


The Mug

by now_a_malec_writer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Anxiety, Dora the Explorer - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Parenthood, mental health, mug - Freeform, parenting, single parent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-17 09:41:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 62,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17557973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/now_a_malec_writer/pseuds/now_a_malec_writer
Summary: Magnus is the owner of a tea store at the mall and, most important, a proud single dad.Alec is a guy dealing with anxiety issues and that believes that love isn't for him.Luckily, a mug will put these two together and change everything, challenging what they knew about themselves and each other.P.S. This story will make you addicted to any "Dora, the Explorer" references you see from now on. Just letting you know.





	1. Dust

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, 
> 
> Thank you for reading this!
> 
> I wrote "The Mug" with the intent to talk about anxiety and mental health in a more honest way, without dramatizing it for the seak of a story. The point here is to show people who are unfamiliar with this how it is to live with anxiety on a daily basis, and how it affects you physically, emotionally and socially. For those who deal with it, I hope you can see this as a fair portrait of a mental issue that must be addressed more often. 
> 
> This story wouldn't be possible without my dear friend Becca (@blogs_by_photography on IG), that not only edited the story but also wrote a few parts with me, so we could have a faithful portrait of life with anxiety. 
> 
> I also wanna thank my dear Kat (@the_kingdom_of_malec on IG) for approving this. Finally, another thank you to Sabrina Dion, another special friend, for showing me I was in the right direction. 
> 
> The story is a bit long, and I'll post gradually here, but it is fully available at my IG acc (@now_a_malec_writer) along with some poems Becca wrote especially for it. There's also a Spotify playlist for this story, if you're interested. 
> 
> I hope you like "The Mug" and that the story resonates with you as much as it did with us. 
> 
> Lots of love, 
> 
> Nat / @now_a_malec_writer

“A pain blooms. I am told that it’s okay to forego details of what happened.  
I am told it doesn’t matter now.  
I want to write sentences for days. I want days to not be a sentence.”  
Natalie Eilbert

 

Among the many different things Magnus Bane liked in his life, one of his favorites was the smell of sandalwood which, as it happened, was the scent that hit his nose the moment he opened his store in the morning. Once he was inside, he would always take a moment to inhale deeply, slowly letting the air out of his lungs. It was a ritual he was happy to perform each day.  
His establishment, “Magnus’ delight”, was a big tea and herb store, with a lot of candles, a myriad of different tea flavors (from all parts of the world), spices, essential oils, and select herbs. The space was cozy – even being a big store – and the half-light helped set the mood inside the place. Magnus was a man that liked peace, quiet and comfort, and he hoped his customers would be able to find all that within his store.  
Magnus was actually kind of an apothecary. Back in the day, a lot of communities around the world didn’t have a proper doctor, and the apothecary would fill in, treating people and making them different medicines. They were doctors, barbers, pharmacists, all in one sometimes. Magnus always liked the idea of helping people and gathering a community that he could get to know.  
So, for him, it was not just about selling chamomile tea or a scented candle. It was about meeting people and connecting with them to give them the best care; to provide them with what they needed. Magnus’ genuine care for others resulted in a very loyal clientele, that sometimes would “consult” with him instead of going to a doctor. He was always glad to help. He listened patiently to his clients’ complaints and knew what could make them feel better. A unique tea blend to drink before meals, a specific essential oil to rub in the temples before bedtime, a scented candle to let burn in the bedroom and so on.  
“Magnus’ delight” was located on the second floor of a relatively known mall. He liked it especially because it was close to his house, allowing him to pick his 5-year-old son, Rafael, from school and have some time with the boy before heading back to work. Eventually, Rafe would ask his dad to spend the rest of the day at the store, “helping” (aka, messing the store up), and Magnus would give in, happy to have his son around.  
Today, however, after a long day of work, Magnus was tired, and he asked Ragnor to close the store for him. He could only wish for a hot bath, a lot of sandalwood around him and some father and son quality time.  
He left his store and was at the escalator when he saw that a new stall was being set up in the large mall corridor. He didn’t pay much attention at the time, because it was a common occurrence. A new store in the mall, what else is new, you know?  
Soon enough, he was heading home. 

***

“Jace, I think I can say for sure this is the dumbest thing we have ever done in our lives. And that says quite a lot about this situation”.  
Alec said to Jace, who did not seem impressed with his opinion.  
“Alec, be positive, bro. There’s no way this can go wrong.”  
“Yeah, like that frozen yogurt place we had because ‘it was such a great business’? And that food truck too? And –“  
“Hey. First of all, how was I supposed to know frozen yogurt was going to appear in that show, The Good Place, as a synonym of hell? That was the thing that hurt our business. The food truck, yeah. Putting Izzy responsible for the food was not very wise, I have to admit that. But you gotta look on the bright side here.”  
“Which is?”  
“I gave up the idea of opening a waxing salon!”  
Alec didn’t know if he should cry or laugh.  
They were at the corridor of this mall, about to start their newest business: selling mugs. Hodge, an old friend, was the previous owner of the company, but he was about to move out of the country, and he was looking for someone to take over his business. Jace saw another irresistible opportunity and voilà.  
Now, they had a small but cute kiosk, and Alec was helping Jace display their merchandise since Alec was good with organization and order. He still couldn’t believe they were doing this.  
See, Jace saw himself as an entrepreneur and was always willing to start a new business. What he had in initiative, he mainly lacked in everything else. He didn’t have a business plan; he didn’t know his competition or the fluctuations of the market he was about to get himself into. He was like someone always ready to skydive from a plane. But he did that on the ground with his and Alec’s money (which wasn’t that much to begin with). Alec always tried to prevent that from happening, but Jace was still a step ahead, with a freaking food truck parked around their house and all. Because of that, Alec decided to join his brother’s next move, even being so challenging for him. Maybe that would prevent them from failing and losing more money. They were so low on cash now that the only thing Jace could start was this lame mug business.  
They had a problem to deal with already (to join the other ones they faced) before the business was even open. The mugs they were planning on selling had different themes on them. Some had cute messages like “Good morning, Love” or “Best Dad in the world”, others had famous movie and tv show characters on them. Others had more childish themes. And you could also customize your own.  
When they received the first box with their mugs and opened it, they were worried instantly. Mickey Mouse had green ears. He looked like a Martian. Sponge Bob Squarepants was gray; he looked like a sponge of cement. Another set of mugs had the inscription “Good moorning” on them. And don’t you even imagine what they did to poor Princess Leia.  
C’mon, people, are you kidding me?  
So they had to return all that crap and wait for the newly corrected ones to arrive and, oh, stress. Jace was always relaxed and confident – and that was maybe because Alec was the tense one, having to deal with Jace’s nonsense. Alec could have an ulcer at any point now. Literally. So naturally, Alec was having a meltdown because of these mugs.  
And his life in general. 

***

Magnus ignored the new kiosk on his way to his store the next morning. He was rested and ready to start his day. He had such a great evening with his son, that always melted him a little bit. Rafe was, by far, his greatest accomplishment. The adoption process was , and things got even worse when, just before the boy went home with Mags, his wife, Camille, filed for a divorce. That bitch. At that stage, he didn’t care about their relationship anymore, as he knew it was broken and nothing could prevent its failure. But that was the worst time ever in the history of worst times for her to do that.  
She did it on purpose, obviously, to set back the adoption process. There was a moment there that he almost lost all hope, because he went from married and stable, to single and, maybe, unreliable. It took him all the strength he had (and a lot of money as well), but in the end, and with the help of Lydia, his friend and kick ass lawyer; he did it. Rafe was his son at last.  
The beginning was tough for both of them. Magnus was dealing with the end of his marriage and with Rafe around, organizing a routine for the boy, taking care of meals, finding a school, spending time together, getting the little boy’s trust in this new chapter of both their lives. Rafe lost his parents and spent some time in this awful foster care, with negligent adults (they shouldn’t be called parents) “taking care of him”. When Magnus first meet the boy, through Lydia, he was scared and would shut down immediately. It took almost a year for Rafe to feel completely comfortable around Magnus at all. When he moved in with Magnus, it was the start of a new adjustment process. Rafe would cry eventually at night, and he reached out to Magnus a lot. Those big brown eyes and those chubby arms were now Magnus’ responsibility. He took it very seriously.  
Magnus never cried as much as he did on the day that, after a long time together with Rafe, the boy called him ‘dad’ for the first time. Those little hands reached out for him, and Magnus was about to pick the boy from the ground when he shyly mumbled: “thank you, dad”. For Magnus, it was the same as if the boy just said: “I love you”. Magnus loves Rafe body and soul, and that made all his effort so worth it.  
Dad.  
Magnus had wanted to be a father his whole life. It was a big deal for him. He had a great relationship with his mom, and after she passed away, he knew the importance of that bond, because he felt empty every day because of it. He wanted to have that again. Camille, his wife at the time, was not happy with the idea of getting pregnant “just for that” (Excuse me?), so Magnus convinced her to adopt, another option he considered more than once. She said yes, only to please him, but she was never on board with the idea. Not really. She just visited Rafe twice before the adoption was completed, and only because Magnus dragged her to see the boy.  
Magnus knew they would eventually split up. They had been married for five years, but they just drifted apart over the years. Camille was always more involved with herself and, to be honest, she hated the sandalwood and all the “mumbo jumbo” Magnus liked so much. That could never be a good sign, you know.  
So now it was just the two of them. The Banes. Magnus and Rafe. The boy now had a real sense of adoration regarding his father, being a loving child. They would go to parks or museums on the weekends when Magnus left his store under Ragnor’s supervision. Magnus got his son a bike that he loved, and they tried to use it as much as possible too. Magnus tried to control the television time and stuff, but Rafe knew how to access the internet through Mags’ phone, using all the connection available to watch videos of “Dora, the Explorer”, his favorite.  
“One day I will be just like Dora, dad.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Aham. I will travel to meet kids and help them as you helped me”. 

***

The first day of “Jace on a cup” (yeah, that was the horrible name Jace picked up for his new business) was not very exciting.  
“Why ‘cup’? We’re selling mugs. We should change the name.”  
“Alec, c’mon. It's so cute! Look at me!”  
Jace said that pointing to their logo: a drawing of a mini Jace waving from the inside of a mug. I mean, you had to be a bit creative to recognize Jace, but it was what they could afford at the time (aka, asked Simon to draw something. Simon was their friend, he knew a bit about computers. Not about drawings, apparently).  
“I almost CAN’T TELL that is you. And that name is wrong –“  
“You know what, you’re right”, Jace said, making Alec to almost gasp. Because that never happens. Never. Was Jace admitting he made a mistake? Alec was suspicious.  
“We should change to Jace and Alec on a cup since you’re doing this with me. And I can ask Simon to draw you too...”  
There. Things were back to normal.  
“Do it, and I divorce you from being my brother, I promise!”  
Jace's eye rolled. “Okay, buddy. I can handle the fame myself.”  
“Jace, what fame, are you crazy? We sold not even ONE mug today.”  
“But the night is still young, Alec”.  
“The mall is about to close, Jace!”  
“Well, maybe we didn’t do great today, but that’s what tomorrows are for, you know?”, Jace said that the same way Buzz Lightyear talked to Woody in Toy Story: holding his shoulders, staring at the horizon.  
He was ridiculous.  
But he was family, and family is almost always a bit ridiculous, right?

*

Alec bent behind the counter right when Magnus was walking past their kiosk. He gave an amused look at the... whole thing. He looked at their logo, the little kid inside the cup was kinda cute. But by the looks of it, the “Magnus’ delight” owner could bet the business would fail within a week. 

*

One week went by, and the kiosk was still there. Alec managed to sell a few mugs; maybe because people were pitying the desperate look at his face, he wasn’t sure.  
Jace was celebrating already.  
“Stop that!”, Alec retorted. He wished his brother was more grounded, but that was Jace, so... not happening.  
It was already late, and Alec wanted to go home and forget about mugs for a while.  
He was again dealing with... mugs, what else, when a little kid approached their counter. The boy had his face glued to the glass. “Dora! Dora! Dora!”, he said pointing to a mug with Dora, the Explorer, printed on it. Alec saw the excitment on the little boy’s face and had to smile at that.  
He was behind the counter and stood up to talk to the boy. “So, do you like Dora?”. “Yes”, the little boy said, not even looking at Alec, which made him smile even more. “Do you wanna see the mug closer?” The boy only nodded. Alec was back behind the counter to get a mug for his costumer. When he turned to the boy again, he almost dropped the mug. A man apparently materialized himself right next to the kid. He had broad shoulders (hmmm), a lot of necklaces and all kinds of things around his neck, his hair pointing to the sky, and oh. The smile. A fond smile on his face. A+ on the smile department, my friend. The man had one hand on the kid’s shoulder.  
The man, on his turn, seemed a little taken aback by Alec’s as well. He actually said “Oh” in a low voice. Alec was, well, not ugly. Like, the opposite of ugly. Beautiful. His eyes pop up against his pale skin. His black and messy hair contrasting with his restrained features. Who knew a mug kiosk would hide this!  
“Hey”, Alec said to the man. Before he could reply, Alec turned to talk to the boy. “Here. Dora.”  
The kid was eager to grab the mug. His little hands were almost shaking from excitement, which lead him to accidentally drop the mug seconds after placed it in his hand. The piece smashed against the marble floor of the mall. The kid was paralyzed, looking in shock to that.  
“I killed Dora!”, he said, immediately crying. Loud. Loud and full of pain only a kid could show, especially about a mug. He was heartbroken and devastated.  
Seeing that happening in front of him, Alec just reacted, hugging the little boy against his chest. “No, no, no, it’s okay. You didn’t kill her. I have another one for you, okay?”  
He was talking and hugging the kid, while Magnus was right next to them, too shocked to move, with a WTF expression on his face. He was used to being alone, as the only one dealing with Rafe for the most part, so that was a total surprise. Alec was soothing the boy rubbing his hand against the kid’s small back. Jace approached them: “There you go, buddy”, and he handled a mug to Alec. Dora was alive again! Alec looked at Jace with a thankful expression. “See, Dora is okay. Here. You can have this one on the house, okay?”. The boy was drying his tears against the sleeve of his shirt. He nodded to Alec and grabbed the mug very carefully. “I’m sorry for killing you, Dora. I’m gonna take care of you now!”. And he held the mug like it was the most precious treasure in the world. Seeing his kid this happy (now) was also a gift to Magnus. He was indeed a bit emotional from all that.  
“Thank you”, the boy said to Alec. “No problem”, he replied, smiling. Magnus noticed that ‘mug guy’ had a great smile too. Not ugly, sweet, great smile. What a combo.  
Rafe grabbed Magnus’ hand, holding Dora’s mug tight with the other one. “C’mon, Dad, let’s go. I gotta take care of Dora”. Magnus was looking at Alec now, but his attention was back at his son fast enough. “Sure, let’s go home”. He looked at Alec again and smiled, thankful. He picked Rafe up in his arms and walked out of the mall. Rafe was talking to his mug.  
“OH MY GOD!”, Jace said when the situation was over.  
“What now?”, asked Alec looking for a broom or something to sweep the pieces of the mug from the floor.  
“That guy was totally checking you out!”  
“What? He was not. He has a kid, I don’t know if you noticed that. He’s probably married or something.”  
“I didn’t see a ring on his finger. I mean, there were like 357 rings on his hands, I don’t know how he could move his fingers. But there wasn’t a wedding ring, I’m sure of it.”  
“Jace, could you... stop, okay? The guy was just thankful I helped his kid. Now he won’t be traumatized about killing Dora and all.”  
“Right. Well, I THINK that he was more than thankful. And he was checking you out. I hope he comes back and, you know, try to put some babies on you or something”, Jace was laughing.  
“JACE!”  
“What? Oh, Alec, c’mon, it’s been too long. I don’t even know if your... equipment is even working anymore.”  
Can they, please, do NOT have this conversation? Here? Or in any other place?  
“I’m... fine, Jace. Everything works, thanks for asking. Now enough with this.”  
“I’m just saying it would be nice, for a change, to see you having fun instead of a heart attack once in a while.”  
“Well, that would be lovely, but apparently anxiety and heart attacks are the only options I have, so...”  
Jace was a bit sad by that. He was an outgoing person, sure. And he knew he was lacking in the “taking his business seriously” department. But he never meant to be a burden to Alec. He was cheering for his brother’s happiness. He wished he could put that man and Alec in the same cup to see what happens.


	2. The constant companion

If Magnus were looking for the definition of pure happiness, he would found it in his son’s smile while dealing with that Dora mug. As soon as they got home, the boy asked Magnus to give him some tea he could drink in his new best friend. Magnus washed the mug first (it was cover in a thin layer of dust) and heated some water for father-son tea time. He gave Rafe a quick bath and put the kid in his Finding Nemo PJs, placing the boy in his bed. He brought them chamomile tea.  
“I see you like your new mug”, Magnus said looking at his son talking to the Dora printed on the mug while he waited for his tea to cool.   
“I love it. Dora is my favorite”, he said looking at the mug, “Sorry again, Dora. It was an accident, and Dad says accidents should always be forgiven because we didn’t mean it. And now I’m gonna take care of you every day”, he said delightedly. “Can I take Dora to school tomorrow to show my friends?”. Magnus laughed at that proposal. “I think it’s safer for Dora to stay inside our house, don’t you think? She can explore here, you know...” Rafe thought about that for a while. “Okay, Dad”.   
Magnus smiled looking at his son. They drank their tea and talked a bit more before Rafe finally fell asleep. Magnus was so so tired. He also took a shower and went to bed. Before sleep, he remembered ‘mug guy’ and how cute he was with Rafe, how he handled the situation well. Magnus was impressed. Maybe he should say thanks the next day, you know, just to be polite.   
Yeah, that seems like a good idea. With that thought in mind, and Alec’s face fading in his memory, he gave in and finally slept. 

***

Jace was the first to notice Magnus walking their way the next day.   
“Okay, don’t look now, but guess who’s coming here?”, Jace said looking at Alec, who had his back to Magnus. “Jace, it could be the Pope, I don’t care. I have a headache, and I think I’ll buy something at the pharmacy and –“  
He turned around, and Magnus was there. In all of his sparkly glory. Alec was looking at the man’s face, wondering if he was wearing makeup yesterday as he was now. Alec only remembered the golden eyes, because he looked at Magnus too quickly since he was worried about the kid. But now he could see the perfect smokey eye, and it suits the man quite well.   
Said man was looking at Alec and smiling at him.   
“Hi again.”  
Alec suddenly remembered that he knew how to talk and said a shy “Hello”.   
“Hmm, so, I just wanted to say thank you for what you did for my son last night. It was really lovely”.  
“Oh, no, no need to thank me. It was nothing. And, is he okay? I hope he’s not upset about ‘killing Dora’”, Alec said a bit amusing with the memory of the kid hugging him.   
“Rafe’s fine. He just can’t shut up about the mug. Dora is his favorite... everything. He talks about her all the time, and now I’m afraid he’s about to propose to that mug”, Magnus said, making himself and Alec laugh.   
“I’m glad he’s happy then”. A moment of silence was there since both men were staring at each other. Alec broke the moment. “I hope you didn’t come all the way here just to thank me.”  
“It’s the least I could do. And, you know, if you need anything you can just come up to my store anytime you like.”  
“Oh, do you work here?”  
“Yes, I have a tea store on the second floor. I mean, I don’t sell just tea, there all sorts of things, it’s like an organized mess, you know?”  
Alec was silent, nodding. Jace, that was pretending to be busy unpacking a few things, came to the rescue. “Actually, we opened a few days ago and hadn’t had the time to walk around and be friendly with our neighbors. I’m Jace, by the way, nice to meet you”.  
“Hi, I’m Magnus, from ‘Magnus’ delight’ upstairs”. They shook hands. Magnus offered his hand to Alec now. “I’m Alec, nice to meet you too”. They were looking at each other again.   
“So, Magnus, it was nice to meet you, but I have to go to the pharmacy now, I’m so sorry, but I have a headache, and I need....”  
“Oh, that’s great!”, Magnus said excitedly.   
Alec was looking at Magnus with a brow almost making a question mark on his forehead. “Excuse me?”  
Oh right, that sounded wrong. “No, I’m sorry, I mean... I can help you with that. Do you mind coming to my store for a second with me?”  
Alec turned now to look at Jace. “No, Alec, you have to stay, and help me deal with this infuriating crowd that wants to buy all of our mugs at once”, Jace said in a serious tone that made Alec laugh. “Okay, I’ll be right back. Please, don’t destroy anything until I’m back”.   
“Bye, Magnus!”, Jace waved as Alec was walking side by side with Magnus to the escalator.   
Alec didn’t dare to look back at Jace once, but he could bet his life Jace was grinning at that point.   
Magnus opened the door of his store and breathed in the scent that was an indication of home and safety. He went inside and turned on the lights. Alec was taken aback for a second. The smell was delicious, and he took a moment to enjoy that as well. But the store itself was incredible. A lot of different teas and herbs were all around, along with candles and even a few items for baths. And spices. And crystals. It seemed a little messy, but also a bit... cozy?   
“So, I see you sell a bit of everything in here”, Alec said walking around. Magnus took off his heavy coat, revealing a kinda violet buttoned up shirt that looked good on him. Alec pretended he didn’t pay attention to that at all.   
“Yeah, you know, each soul is very complex and unique. What might work for you may not work for someone else. I like having options”, Magnus said smiling, approaching Alec, who was nodding (Alec, remember you know how to talk).   
“So all this stuff is not just for relaxing?”  
“Oh no, Sir. I mean, they could be. But they are also compelling elements or ingredients that we can use to heal our bodies and souls, to bring us comfort and peace. I’m here to guide people and help them feel better”, Magnus said seriously. Alec was thinking how the man saw his business as something so noble, and he got a bit sad about his little mug shop. Seems so superficial.   
Magnus interrupted his thoughts, realizing Alec’s sad expression. “As I remember correctly, you have a headache, right?”. Alec nodded. “Let me see, so I think this might help”, Magnus reached for chamomile tea.   
“This is chamomile, it’s completely natural and has no side effects. It helps with migraines, oh, and it’s also good for anxiety”, he explained. “Can I take all of your supply, in that case?”, Alec asked not intended to make it sound like a joke. But it did, and Magnus laughed, making Alec a bit proud of himself. ”Wow, that bad?”  
“I just... I think I’m nervous because of Jace and this new business. It seems a lot to take care sometimes, I get anxious and full of pains all over. My body thinks I’m 85. I sure need all the help I can get”.   
Magnus was analyzing Alec now. The look made Alec feel exposed.   
“Hmmm, right. In that case, you will also take some peppermint tea, that will help your gastrointestinal area to calm down. (Alec gave him a weird look.) Hey, don’t look at me like that. The intestines are our second brain, did you know that? You need to calm everything down, Mister. So, peppermint tea. Also, lavender and sandalwood oil. I recommend that you get one, two drops of the lavender oil and rub it into your temples, like this”.   
He grabbed a small bottle of the oil, opened it and put two drops in his fingers. Next, he was touching and making a slight pressure against Alec’s temples while rubbing them. Alec closed his eyes immediately, lavender scent invading his senses. He didn’t know if it was the oil or Magnus’ fingers on him, but he felt relaxed already. Magnus saw Alec’s expression soften and knew it was working already. They stayed like that a little longer than Magnus used to with other customers (not that Alec knew that) and he stopped the massage, making Alec open his eyes as he has just woken up.   
That was some good oil.   
“I will also give you the sandalwood. This one I think it’s good for you to drop a bit, really, two drops, in a little bowl with water and let it right next to your bed at night. Inhale the smell, let it soothe you, it will certainly calm you down and help you sleep better”.   
“Magnus, I appreciate all this so much. How much do I owe you?”  
“What? This is a gift, Alec. You owe me nothing. You made Rafe so happy yesterday; I will never thank you enough for treating him like that, with that... care. This is the least I could do, trust me”.   
Alec was smiling now. “If that’s the case, then okay. Maybe I can buy you lunch some other day to make it up...”  
Magnus was about to say that that was no need, but he thought again. Magnus, are you stupid? Say yes!  
“Sounds great. Definitely, let’s do that”.   
“Great”.   
To avoid another session of awkward silence, Magnus went to grab everything he needed to give Alec. He put all his products in a bag and handed it over to Alec, who was now heading to the door.   
“Well, Magnus, it was very nice to meet you. Thank you so much for all this, I’ll try all of it and tell you later how it went...”  
“Good. And thanks again for last night.”  
“It was my pleasure. If Rafe, right? (Magnus nodded), needs another Dora mug, I know some people, tell him I can make that happen”, and he laughed a little.   
“Noted.”  
Crap, the awkward silence was there again.   
“Okay, so, bye, Magnus”, Alec said rubbing his hand against his neck.   
“Bye, Alexander”.   
Alec was leaving and then stopped, facing Magnus again. Magnus just said, “What? I don’t think you’re Alec because your name is William. Is it okay to call you that?”  
Honestly, he could call Alec whatever he wanted.   
“Sure. I like it” (he hated it, but Magnus didn’t know that.)  
Alec smiled and went away. 

*

“That took a while”, Jace said when Alec was back.   
“Can you shut up? He basically gave me tea”. But Jace wasn’t having it. He went close to Alec and smelled something. “Wait, what’s that?”  
“That what?”  
“The smell. It’s coming from you.”  
“Oh. Hmmm. It’s lavender oil. For my temples”, Alec was blushing.   
Jace didn’t need to say another word. He just smiled and crossed his arms in front of his chest.   
“Can you shut up?”  
“I was literally silent! Do I have to say something?”  
“Jace, Magnus is just being nice. That’s it. I don’t know what his... deal is. Let’s leave it at that, okay?”  
“Up to you, buddy. Up to you”. 

*

After that, Magnus would wave at them or even stop to exchange a few words with Jace and Alec on his way to his store. Things were amicable, which was fine with Alec. He was taking the chamomile tea frequently and using the oils, which helped him relaxed a little.   
That morning, after another week working at the mall, Magnus went to greet the Lightwoods. “So, as I recall, you invited me to lunch a few days ago. How does today sound to you?”, he asked Alec.   
Jace, again, was faster: “Sure, that would be great! Alec likes... food. And I can handle things here while he’s gone”, he said tapping Alec’s back.  
“Good. I’ll come back at 1pm, okay?”  
Alec nodded, and Magnus went to the escalator.   
“Jace, are you my pimp now or something?”  
“Me? I thought he was only your friend or whatever. I mean, you barely know the guy, that would be a great opportunity to make a new friend. Make a friend. Make out. You choose.”  
“Jace! Cut it out, seriously.”   
“I swear I don’t get you. You always look miserable, but when the opportunity presents itself to you, you know, to get some action, you avoid it.”  
“Jace, the guy has a kid. A child! Of course I will avoid that. He’s not available for a fling. And you know things are difficult... already. So yeah, I will keep it to myself, thank you”.   
“But that means that you do... fancy him”.  
“Jace, I’m not blind. He’s... not bad.”  
“NOT BAD? Are you kidding me? I would totally hook up with him if I were gay. I mean, have you looked at his-“  
“Yes.”  
“You don’t know what I was going to say.”  
“Believe me, Jace, whatever it was, I looked. Trust me.”  
Jace was laughing. Alec usually was not like that. He was frustrated, desperate or feeling bad almost all the time, but he avoided talking about it. Magnus must be getting to him.   
“Well, so go on your lunch today and befriend him. It’d better than nothing, I suppose.”  
“Yeah, better than nothing”, and Alec sighed. 

***

Magnus was in front of “Jace on a cup”precisely at 1pm. Alec and Jace were talking to a few customers, so Magnus had to wait.   
Five minutes later, Alec was free to go. They were walking side by side. “There’s this little restaurant here in the mall that is my favorite, we can eat there if you like”, Magnus said.   
Alec accepted the offer, and a few minutes later they were in his modern restaurant, with the menu written in the black wall, with chalk. Alec ordered pasta and Magnus, steak with a salad.   
They were waiting for their food to arrive. Magnus started talking:   
“So, let me ask you something. Why... mugs? Do you have an utter appreciation for them? You want to save the world one mug at a time? Did you made a terrible deal at e-Bay and now have all those mugs to get rid of?”  
Alec laughed. “All good hypotheses. But the truth is that Jace is brainless and keeps starting these ridiculous businesses without any experience. Like, any. And he keeps using our money to do that. I’m sick of losing money because of him, so I decided to step in this time, even if it’s not easy for me to do so”.  
Magnus understood that Alec wasn’t ready to clarify what he meant with his last sentence, so he continued:  
“Yeah, you’re right. My e-Bay idea was so much better than your explanation.”  
“Sorry to be a disappointment then”, Alec replied, half smiling.   
“Oh, Alexander, trust me, you’re not”, Magnus said looking right into Alec’s eyes. Okay, maybe his gaze dropped to the other man’s lips, but he recovered himself quickly and smiled.   
Magnus decided to get another doubt out of the way: “Tell me, since you said that it was yours and Jace’s money, I’m assuming you’re... partners?”  
“Oh yes. We have to be, I mean, the man throws himself on the next big thing that appears in front of him. We keep each other’s balance, I think”.  
“Oh”. Hmmm, Mags, maybe you should retreat, don’t you think?  
Alec was oblivious to Magnus expression, but he made things better anyway: “And, obviously, there’s the fact that he’s my brother, so I have to help him, right?”  
“RIGHT!”. Magnus, can you please keep your excitement less noticeable?  
Magnus cleaned his throat. “I mean, I’m a family man myself. I’m always happy seeing supportive people towards family”. Alec was looking at him a bit weird but ended up laughing (“family man”, yeah, Alec, he’s taken, he must have a wife and all. Friends it is.)  
“Speaking of mugs and family, we’ll get new mugs next week. I order another one with Dora on it. Do you think Rafe would like having another one?”  
“Are you serious? He would love that. Thank you so much. You don’t have to do that, you know.”  
“I know. But he seemed so happy... I think it’s worth it.”  
“How do you handle that situation so well, by the way? Do you have kids of your own?”  
“Oh no! I have another brother, a younger one, so I have a lot of experience with kids. But of course, all my siblings were little brats, and Rafe, on the other hand, seems a sweet kid”.  
They stopped talking; their orders arrived. Alec made a sinful sound when he ate the pasta for the first time, and Magnus’ eyes went wilder instantly.   
“Sorry, that’s really good. Do you want some?”, Alec asked, offering his fork to Magnus.   
Yes, Magnus wanted some. All of it. And the pasta as well.   
“No, thanks, I’m good”. Right.   
Magnus picked up the conversation: “Yeah, Rafe is super sweet. We’re close, especially because it’s just the two of us”.   
“How come?”  
So Magnus told Alec, briefly, about the adoption and the divorce. Hmmm, so Magnus was divorced, but straight. Damn it.   
“And now, it’s hard, you know? I have the store and Rafe. It takes almost all my time. And dating being a parent is impossible. I tried to get a date with this guy a while back and as soon as he heard the word ‘kid’ he literally ran away”. Alec was nodding, but internally he registered the most important info of the day: Magnus was, at least, bi. That was something.   
“Well, dating is hard even if you don’t have a kid. I don’t remember the last time I went on a date with a guy as well, truly. And I’m always so tired or anxious, it’s almost impossible...”, Alec replied. Magnus also made a mental note about “date with a guy”. He was a guy. What a wonderful lunch.   
Magnus was now asking about the lavender and all the other stuff he gave Alec. They were helping, and Alec was thankful for that too. He also liked the fact that, before sleep, he would smell sandalwood, bringing Magnus back to his mind. Not that he needed that to remember Magnus. But immediately he also saw Rafe in his mind.   
It doesn’t matter Magnus’ preferences or if he was married or a celibate monk. He had a kid. That was serious. And Alec knew he was also not ‘boyfriend material’.   
Like their meals now, Magnus was off the table. 

***

A few days later, Alec was finishing another sale (people like mugs, which was a surprise to him) when Magnus came to talk to him quickly.   
“Hey, Alexander”.  
“Hey, Magnus! How you’re doing?”  
“Great, thanks for asking. Listen, I’m going to pick Rafe up from school and bring him over to spend some time with me. Do you mind if he wants to come here and say hello to you?”  
“What? Of course not! I would love to talk to him.”  
“Good. Okay, I’ll be right back then”.   
And Magnus was getting out of the mall. Jace, who had left to go to the bathroom, was back.   
“Why are you smiling?”, he asked.   
“I’m not!”, Alec defended himself.   
“But something happened. Did you sell 15 mugs at once?”  
“Magnus was here and-“  
“OH. Really? Magnus? What a surprise. And what did he say?”  
“Man, you’re boring, aren’t you?”  
“No. Answer me.”  
“He just asked me if he could bring Rafe here to say hello. That’s all.”  
“Hmmm. I would say that this is major, but I think it will only spike your anxiety, so, yeah, that’s... nice”.  
Alec took a deep breath. It was just a talk, harmless hello. With a kid. He could handle that.   
Twenty-five minutes later, Magnus was back. With Rafe. The boy had a backpack with him and was talking to his dad. When he saw Alec, he walked a bit faster. Alec smiled when he saw the boy.   
“Hey, you’re back!”  
“Hey”, the boy said shyly. Alec remembered that he hadn’t been formally introduced to the boy. “I don’t think I know your name. I’m Alec”.   
“I’m Rafe”, he said smiling to Alec.   
“How is Dora doing?”  
“Great! Dad brings me tea before I sleep and he reads a story for me. Then she sleeps next to my bed all night because I need to see if she’s okay in the morning.”  
How can this kid be this adorable?   
“I’m glad to know that! I think she is in good hands with you.”  
“Thank you”, the boy said proudly. “Do you also have a favorite mug?”, the boy asked with evident curiosity.   
“Hmmm, I don't think so.”  
“You need one.”  
“Why?”  
“So you can have something to take care of and have company”.   
Alec wanted to bite Rafe. But on second thought, was he so alone that even a kid could see it and was recommending him a mug, so he would have “someone” to bring him company? That was depressing.   
“Yeah, maybe you could help me chose one, what do you think?”  
“Aham. Do you have more with Dora?”  
“Only the same as yours...” The new ones he mentioned to Magnus during their lunch were not there yet. Suppliers!  
“Hmmm. I think it’s okay.”  
“Really? You... don’t mind?”  
“Nope. Dora is the best. She travels with her monkey. And she’s smart and a good friend. And you can take care of her too like I do.”  
Magnus was looking at them completely stunned. Alec was talking to Rafe not from behind the counter but crouched in front of the child. He was making eye contact and speaking directly with Rafe. Magnus was trying not to smile.   
“Dad?”  
“Yeah, Rafe?”  
“Can we give Dora to Alec as a gift?”  
“Oh, you don’t have to do that, Rafe, it’s okay”, Alec said before Magnus could say anything.   
“But Dad told me we should do nice things to nice people. And Dora is the best. Don’t you like her?”, he said looking worried at Alec.   
“No, I like her... Okay, I’ll accept your offer”, Alec said smiling.   
So Magnus went to Alec to pay for the mug. Alec showed Rafe the mug, and he was happy to see Dora again. He wrapped the object and gave it to Rafe. The boy just gave it back to Alec: “This is for you, Alec. Please, don’t kill her, promise?”  
Alec was laughing. “Thank you so much, Rafe. I won’t, I promise”.  
The boy was clearly proud.   
“Are you done spending Dad’s money? Can we go help Ragnor now?”  
“Aham”, Rafe said to his dad. And then to Alec: “We have to go, Alec. Uncle Rag needs us”, and he hugged Alec. “Ready, Dad”.   
Magnus was looking impressed at Alec. “I guess we’ll talk another time...”  
“Yeah. Thank you for the mug. I heard Dora is the best. I’m sure my tea will taste better now”.  
“I bet it will”, Magnus replied laughing. “Bye, Alexander. Jace.”  
And he was on the escalator with Rafe, going up.   
“That was interesting...”, Jace started.   
“Not a word, Jace, a word.”  
“Okay, buddy. Hey, what are you doing?”  
“What? It was a gift. And I promise I would take care of it”, Alec said that placing the mug among his things to take it home with him. 

***

Every time Rafe came to be with his dad, he would stop by to talk to Alec. Actually, he wanted updates on the mug. Was Dora alive? Was she enjoying her time with Alec? He also would tell how the situation with his mug was going. He almost dropped it once, but ufff, Dora is a survivor, she was fine.   
“You should bring your Dora next time to have tea with Dad and me at our store. It smells good in there.”  
“Yeah, I know, I’ve been there once. Your dad helped me with a headache the other day”, Alec explained.   
“Dad helps everybody. He’s pretty cool.”  
Magnus was next to his son, blushing. Alec thought it was adorable. They have a strong bond and Rafe admired his Dad (and Dora, just a reminder) to no end.   
So they set up a day for Alec to have tea with them at the store. He brought Dora back from his house that day. He was using that mug for everything. At first, he felt a bit ridiculous, but the mug was the perfect size for his tea, so... He was using it every day. He started to think mugs could be nice – maybe their business wasn’t as stupid as he initially thought.   
At the time established, Magnus was there with Rafe. The boy was holding his mug. “Did you bring it?”, he asked Alec. The man showed him his own Dora mug. “Nice”. They went to ‘Magnus’ delight’ together. Jace once again was quiet, because Alec was nervous and sensitive, and he wanted to help his brother. But his tongue was tingling. He texted Izzy.   
Magnus always had tea ready to serve his customers. Today it was hibiscus (it has anti-depression properties and it’ good for blood pressure). He served Rafe and Alec and poured a cup of tea for himself. “I think you should have a mug too, Dad. Oh, it could be the same as mine and Alec’s, and we could be mug friends!”  
Alec was laughing, of course. “I can get your Dad a mug. That’s not a problem!”  
“Ohhhhh. Dad, is it okay if we invite Alec to my party? He can give you the mug there.”  
Alec was feeling his heart go from “I’m hanging in there as best as possible” to “I’m gonna make you pass out right now”. He was sweaty automatically, nervous and pale. What party? Magnus noticed how uncomfortable Alec was. “Maybe Alec already has plans, Rafe, I don’...”  
The boy, who was seated in Magnus’ lap, looked straight at Alec. In his eyes. When he spoke, he seemed hurt: “Alec, don’t you wanna come to my birthday party? We are mug friends. You have to come!”  
Right. Alec hated Dora now. Crap, how can you say no to that?  
Answer: you can’t.   
Alec just nodded. He breathed deeply. “Alexander, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to, really. It’s just a small gathering for his friends.”  
“No, it’s okay. I can go, sure. Can I bring Jace with me?”  
“Sure”, Magnus said with a reassuring nod.   
“Yaaaay. It will be so much fun!”, Rafe said.  
Yeah, so much fun. If Alec didn’t die first. 

***

“I can’t believe you’re doing this”, Jace said when they were approaching Magnus’ house.   
“I know, I can’t believe it either”, his brother replied. After a while, he said, “Thank you for coming with me”.   
“Sure, bro. What are brothers for?”, Jace said smiling to Alec.   
Soon as Alec got back to their kiosk that day, it was clear he was a bit stressed. He told Jace about the invitation Rafe made him, and how he was on the brink of passing out. Jace calmed him down and got him tea from the coffee shop near ‘Jace on a cup’.   
“Would you come with me?”, Alec asked with uncertainty in his voice.   
“You know what, I have to do our business plan for the mug shop, so I think I’ll pass the invitation this time”. Alec just looked at Jace and both of them burst in laughter. Like that’s going to happen. “Of course, buddy! I love free food”, Jace replied smiling like an idiot. “When is it?”  
“Next weekend”.   
“Good”, Jace said, “We just need to find a good gift then. We can be there for like 30 minutes, you know, go there, give the gift to Rafe, and come back home to be miserable again!”  
Alec felt good about the idea. “Sounds like a plan to me!”  
So, the following Saturday, they were both headed to Magnus’. Alec was carrying their gift. “I hope Magnus won’t get mad with us. I never asked him if it was okay. Do you think he’ll get mad at us? Should we leave? I think it’s better for us to leave, yeah...”  
“Alec!”  
“Yes?”  
“Stop overthinking. He will be happy because Rafe will be happy, okay? It will be fine, buddy. And if he doesn’t like it, we can go home instead, okay?”  
“Uhum”.  
Alec rang the bell. Magnus opened the door and smiled when he saw the Lightwoods.   
“Heeey, you’re here. Welcome to the Bane’s”.  
Alec was a little more at ease as soon as he saw Magnus. Jace was suspecting that it wasn’t just the fact that his brother saw a familiar face that calmed him down a little, but rather the fact that the familiar face was Magnus’ made all difference.   
Alec was about to return the greeting when a tiny person came running in his direction. “Alec, you came!”, Rafe said in a cheerful tone, hugging Alec’s leg. The man couldn’t stop his own laughter. “Hey, happy birthday, Rafe! And of course I came. We’re mug friends, I couldn’t miss it”. The boy nodded happily.   
“So, Jace and I brought you a birthday gift. But I didn’t check with your Dad first, so, if he doesn’t like it we’ll have to figure out what to do, alright?”  
The boy went silent. He was all expectation. Alec delicately put the gift on the ground. It was like a cage of some sort. Rafe went closer to inspect, and then he saw it, “Oh” was the only thing he said. Alec grabbed the animal that was inside of it and handed it over to Rafe. The tiny kitty started purring between the hands of the kid, who made a little bed for the kitty with his palms, close to his chest.   
He was whispering to avoid bothering the cat. “Dad, look. A kitty!”  
“Yeah, I see that”, he said looking at Alec now. Alec had reached another spike in his anxiety and was beginning to sweat a little. Magnus noticed that, as he always noticed those subtle changes in people, and said with a calming voice to his son:  
“Do you think you’re ready to take care of it? It’s not like taking care of Dora. It’s much more work.”  
“I can do it, Dad! Can I keep it?”  
Magnus looked at his kid. How could he say no to Rafe... and Alec?  
“Of couse you can!”  
Rafe was over the moon, but try to be calm to keep the kitty quiet in his arms. “Yay, I’m gonna show Clary and Uncle Rag and everyone”. Rafe was about to run when his father stopped him: “And what do we say when someone does something nice for us?”  
“Thank you, Alec”, the boy said with honesty. Alec melted a little and felt it was all worth it. He was happy. “You’re welcome, Rafe”.   
And the boy ran away.   
Jace and Alec were now inside Magnus’ house. The place screamed Magnus all over. The walls were white and red, rugs were everywhere, as were a variety of crystals and different ornaments. The house itself wasn’t enormous or anything, but it had a backyard, with plenty of room for Rafe to play. A table with a birthday cake and lots of candies was set up there. Kids were playing, running and screaming. Alec and Jace only knew Magnus, so naturally, Alec was a bit apprehensive.   
“That was very sweet of you, I mean, of you two. My boy seems quite happy with your gift, thank you”, Magnus said to Alec but looking into the direction where Rafe was, showing the kitty to a redheaded girl. “It was nothing. I thought it might soothe you both”, Alec clarified. “So, do you want a tour?”, Magnus said pointing to the room in front of them. “Sure”. Jace clearly hasn’t been invited, and he was okay with that, he was there only to support Alec.   
The redhead came in his direction.   
“Hey, I’m Clary, Rafe’s sitter, nice to meet you”, she said offering her hand to Jace. They shook hands. “I’m Jace, Alec’s brother”.   
“Oh, Alec is the tall guy that came with you?”. Jace only nodded.   
“It was sweet of you to give the cat. Rafe’s ecstatic about it. And I bet Magnus, being Magnus, didn’t mind that gift one bit”.   
“No, I guess not”, Jace said.   
“So, hmmm... How do you know Magnus?”  
“We work at the mall too”.  
“Really? That’s the first time I’m meeting anyone that works there, except for Ragnor, but he is practically family”, the girl said impressed.   
“Well, Rafe invited Alec, and I came along to see if he would be okay and-“  
“Why wouldn’t he be? Especially being around Magnus. The man is practically a warlock or something. He can cure you of almost anything, I swear”.   
“Yeah, I don’t know how much he can help Alec to be honest...”  
“Why not? What’s wrong with him?”  
“Nothing. I mean, he’s... hmmm, nervous? Anxious? About to have a meltdown? Yeah, I think all of those at the same time, if that’s possible”. Clary was silent, so Jace kept talking. Why he was so open to a total stranger, was something that he didn’t bother thinking about at the time. She seemed genuinely interested, and he just wanted someone to talk to.   
“You see, we are a big family, four siblings. It’s not easy to grow up like that. Especially when you’re the oldest and your parents treat you like you were another parent to your other siblings. Alec had to do a lot around the house and with all of us, as you can imagine. My mom stayed at home to take care of us while our Dad worked. That was all he did, he worked. He maintained two jobs, and didn’t have the time for us, but really, with four children, I could never blame him. Everything in our house was... enough. He couldn’t afford to over expend or anything like that. And then one day our Dad was fired, and our world collapsed. It was tough for all of us, but somehow Alec became that one person in which all of us rely on. He would comfort my Mom while she was cooking and started crying. My Dad wasn’t the most affectionate person ever as well. And there was all three of us to take care of. We ran out of money and, well, my Mom would share all her doubts and fears with Alec and, you know, he was still just a kid. That affected him. One day, after months without paying rent, we were about to lose our house. Alec was desperate. He started having nightmares about it, thinking of his siblings homeless. Izzy and I, oh, Izzy is our sister, we knew nothing about it because Alec would spare us from knowing. But we could see that he was anxious. Different, you know? He was almost so... alert. So tired and so stressed. Thankfully Dad got another job, and things were better. But never the same. Mom pressured Alec so much, you know, to help her and share the burden of the family with her, I think in a way it broke him. He felt like he was about to lose everything and that he wasn’t doing enough, I think. So the anxiety never left. That, I don’t know what to call it, fear, I guess, was always there now. He couldn’t shake it off. He doesn’t like to do anything too risky or to expose himself or anything like that. And obviously, he needed to have a brother that keeps developing failed businesses and putting him on edge every day”, Jace said with a bittersweet expression on his face.  
To be honest, that was only part of the problem. Yes, Alec got worse after all that, but he was always... like that, even as a kid. His family situation only made it all worse, in a way that extrapolated what was already there in the first place.   
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s too much for anyone to bear, let alone a kid”, she said touching Jace’s arm. He put his hand on top of hers and squeezed lightly.   
“Yeah, you know, it’s ok. We worked hard to gather some money and move in together to do things differently. But I feel like I can’t really help him, you know? He is so... closed off”, and Clary could sense he was apprehensive now.   
“I can guarantee that if there’s someone that can help him, that person is Magnus Bane”, she said in a comforting tone.   
“I honestly hope you’re right”. 

*

Alec and Magnus were walking side by side. Magnus had already showed Alec the kitchen, the living room; they were now going to Rafe’s room.   
“Oh God, it’s so cool in here! I grew up with three siblings, I could never have a room like this. Rafe is so lucky”, Alec said sitting in the boy’s bed.   
“Well, he went through a lot, and he’s my son, it’s the least I can do. I love him, and he deserves the best I can provide!”  
“Like I said, lucky kid”, Alec said shyly. They were looking at each other, Magnus was leaning against the closed door, keeping a safe distance. Alec looked away. “So, he doesn’t want a brother or a sister?”  
“Well, if he can afford one, then, sure, he can bring them home”, Magnus laughed. “But you know, being a single parent is really tough. I’m lucky to have Ragnor and Clary, that help me and all, but in the end, it’s just the two of us. It is lonely sometimes; I won’t lie. I get tired. Dealing with everything by myself is difficult. I don’t get a lot of ‘me time’. I am worried about him constantly too.”  
“I get what you mean. I don’t have kids at all, but I helped raise my siblings, and that was tough. It can be a bit traumatic...”  
Magnus was laughing a little. He went to sit next to Alec in the bed.   
“Yeah. But you know, things change when you have your own kid. I think you don’t get... resentful, you know? You just wanna see them happy”. They were looking at each other again. Without realizing, Magnus was facing Alec. Their hands on top of the bed’s blanket were almost touching.   
Alec knew what he wanted to do. Magnus was just... so nice. So calming, so relaxing. To him, Magnus was like a freaking Buda, someone that had reached illumination already and was there among mundanes like himself only to help them. Magnus seemed to know a secret, he knew a way of living that was good and better and was so comforting. Alec wanted to get lost in all the goodness Magnus emanated. And damn, those eyes. And those shoulders. Okay, maybe the shoulders were not so calming, but they were pretty good to look at.   
Alec was checking Magnus out, so the man had to make a sound with his throat. “What?”, Alec asked, looking again at Magnus. “I said that for me to have another kid, I would have to find the right person, you know?” Wait, was Magnus leaning closer? Oh God. Alec, do not engage! Do not engage. He’s talking about having another kid; you can barely deal with yourself. Don’t do it. Does he smell like heaven? Yes. Does he look like a gift from the sky itself? Obviously. But are you prepared to be that person? The person this family needs?  
All those thoughts were running through Alec’s mind and he was panicking again.  
Magnus was closer now, his breath palpable all over Alec...  
Before Magnus’ lips could reach his, Alec suddenly stood up.   
“I think I need to go to the bathroom, sorry”.   
He opened the door and left, leaving Magnus alone. 

Alec was lucky enough to open the door that led to the bathroom. He immediately went to the sink and splashed some cold water on his face. He was breathing heavily. He unbuttoned his shirt a bit; he felt like he was suffocating. His heart was racing. He needed to get out of there now. Quickly. He needed Jace.   
But instead of leaving the bathroom, Alec laid on the floor, flexing his legs and letting the coldness of the ground hit his back, calming him.   
He had entered so quickly that he didn’t think to lock the door. His closed his eyes, trying to breathe. But he heard the door open, and a voice came to him.   
“Alexander? Are you o... Oh God, are you okay?”  
He opened his eyes. Magnus was there. Obviously. Alec was feeling embarrassed. And guilty. The problem with anxiety is, among a bunch of other things, the guilt. You want to do things, go out, see people, enjoy life, but it was always so damn hard. So demanding. And there’s still the guilt of not being able to do things in a normal way. There’s this guilt of letting people worry all the time. Of letting them down. He hated it. He hated all of it. He wanted to go home. Go home and hide forever and never see Magnus again.   
Instead, the man was right next to him. He put his hand on top of Alec’s chest.   
“It’s okay. Just breathe, okay? Close your eyes, focus on my voice, everything is okay. Breathe in... Yes, that’s it. Hold it. Now release it. Slowly. Yes. Again, breathe in. Yes, there you go... Hold it in. And release... See, you can do it. One more time, Alexander, can you breathe like that one more time for me?”  
Alec nodded. He had his hand on top of Magnus’ now. To ground him.   
He breathed once more, and open his eyes slowly.   
“Do you want to sit up?”  
Another nod. Magnus helped him. Alec was now with his back against the bathroom wall; Magnus kneeled next to him. Alec was still breathing heavily. Magnus touched Alec cheek, soothing the man, and let his hand rest there. Alec tilted his head a bit, embracing the touch.   
“Are you feeling better, Alexander?”  
Nod. Alec could only nod. He was embarrassed.   
“I’m... sorry, Alexander”.   
Alec looked at Magnus confused. Why was he saying this?  
“Why?”, was the only thing he managed to say.   
“I think I... behaved in a way that made you feel uncomfortable and that was never my intention. I’m so sorry about that”, Magnus was really sad and worried now, Alec could tell.  
“No, Magnus, I swear, it’s not you. I just... Uffff, I’m so sorry. I just... I have... It’s not easy for me. This is not your fault at all. On the contrary, you’re one of the few people that apparently can make me feel a bit better about myself, so... you don’t need to apologize. I’m the one that keeps embarrassing myself in front of everyone”.   
“Hey”, Magnus said emphatically, looking at Alec’s eyes. They were close again, their faces inches apart. But Alec had his guard down this time. Honestly, he was exhausted. He was so tired of everything.   
“Don’t.” Magnus said that in the most loving way possible, showing care. Alec gave him a half smile as a response. Magnus was still with his hand on Alec’s face and, once again, Alec put his own hand on top of Mags’.   
He closed his eyes again. “Thank you, Magnus”.   
Magnus said nothing. He was about to move, to let Alec stand up and leave the cold floor when Alec made a move himself. It didn’t take much since they were so close. It was an impulse, a subtle one, and they were kissing.   
It wasn’t a crazy, breathtaking kiss. It was gentle and straightforward, but tender. Alec placed his other hand on Magnus’ neck. Their lips were just touching, getting to know each other, exchanging heat. Alec was not able to think. He just wanted to stay there. It was too fast and not fast enough.   
The moment was interrupted by a knock on the door, that made Alec jumped a bit. They were looking at each other again, Magnus trying to show Alec it was all okay.   
“Magnus, are you there? I think it’s time to cut the cake. The kids are impatient; they will destroy your house”.   
“Yeah, I’m coming, Rag. Give me a minute”.   
They heard footsteps walking away.   
Alec was breathing again; they were not touching each other anymore.   
“I think I should go...”, Alec finally said. Magnus grabbed his hand. “Don’t you wanna stay for cake? You could at least sing Happy Birthday and all...”.  
“Okay. Happy Birthday and then I’m gone.”  
“Deal”.   
Magnus helped Alec stand up now. He left the bathroom, giving time for Alec to recover. He was confused. That wasn’t supposed to happen. At all. Alec knew he wasn’t the person Magnus needed now. The man had a kid already. He doesn’t need more worries in his life, right?  
He threw more water on his face.   
Breathed a couple of times.   
When he reached the backyard, Jace was there talking to Clary but went straight to him when they made eye contact.   
“Are you okay, Alec? I thought you left for a moment...”  
“No, I’m good. But I told Magnus we would leave after this, is that okay?”  
“Of course. I’ve eaten so much already I could explode”.   
Magnus was holding Rafe, and the boy was holding his new cat. Everyone sang Happy Birthday, scaring the cat, that then ran away inside the house. Rafe laughed. He made a wish and blew the candles out. Magnus cut the cake and gave it to Rafe, who was pleased.   
They were now cutting the cake. Alec just waved at Magnus, who had a sad look at his face, quickly replaced by a forced smile. Rafe was walking inside the house to look for his cat.   
“Hey, Rafe, we have to go, buddy, I’m so sorry... But that was the best birthday party ever. Thank you for inviting us”, Alec said crouching in front of the boy.  
“Thank you for my cat, Alec, I’ll take care of him too, I promise”, Rafe answered back, hugging Alec. Magnus saw everything from a short distance. His heart was aching a bit.   
Alec’s heart was the same, but for a different reason.   
Jace said his goodbye (to Clary as well), and they left.


	3. Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. The Yoga part is dedicated to my friend Purvi. ;D  
> 2\. This Jace (called Mug!Jace) is one of my favorite characters here. I hope you enjoy him as the story progresses.

Magnus had been staring at his cold coffee for more than 30 minutes. That Sunday morning he was thinking about Rafe’s party and how the boy had fun and... how he had fun as well. He kept running the images in his head over and over. How he and Alec were talking in Rafe’s room. Magnus tried to make a move, and he thought he ruined everything. He cursed himself and went after Alec in the bathroom, finding the man hardly breathing on the floor. He didn’t have time to panic himself, he was immediately next to Alec, helping him get up. Suddenly he was touching Alec. And a while after that, he was entirely taken by surprise when the man kissed him. Alec, who seems to be ready to pass out in his bathroom, Alec, who ran away when Magnus tried to do that himself, was kissing him.

It wasn’t a kiss like in the movies or any of that. But it was honest, careful, and full of want. Magnus saw it as a victory. He knew by now how hard it was for Alec to do that.

He was also wondering when they would do that again. He never tasted Alec’s tongue, he wanted to know how it would be against his own, how it would move inside his mouth, which noises would Alec make when Magnus-

All those lovely questions were interrupted by an overly excited Rafe, who was now ready to go to a pet shop to buy all the things Chairman Meow needed (Magnus was surprised that the cat was not named after Dora). The cat slept in the boy’s room, in a corner, and Rafe said that the animal deserved a bed to sleep on properly (naturally the cat would sleep anywhere BUT the bed, but Rafe didn’t know that yet).

Magnus was pretty tired, to be honest. Don’t get him wrong; he wanted to be a parent more than anything, but oh, how that was hard sometimes. Raising a kid was not easy, don’t believe those Pampers adds - kids cry a lot, they make a scene if things don’t go the way they wanted, they exhaust you and drain all your remaining energy. Kids could be excellent and cheerful and a real-life miracle to look at and to contemplate, but they are humans too. And sometimes humans... well, they suck. Sometimes Magnus was exhausted on a level that he never thought possible. Rafe demanded almost of all his attention – but he still had to look after his business as well.

Being Rafe’s dad was a blessing, sure, but eventually, he missed having his own identity. Being Magnus and not only ‘Dad’ all the time. He needed some #metime. Maybe #ustime, with Alec. In bed. Or in the shower... perhaps both... he wasn’t picky.

But now Rafe was calling, and he needed to be Dad again. He could wait to talk to Alec tomorrow, see where they... stand? He was excited about that, he had been alone for so long. He hoped Alec was a bit excited as well.

 

***

Alec spent the rest of his weekend at his home with Jace, practicing the exquisite art of freaking out.

Because he kissed Magnus. He did that. He made that move. And now he was sure he could die because of it.

Sunday night Jace finally managed to get something close to an actual conversation from Alec.  
“So, what happened yesterday at the party? Were you okay?”, he started.  
“No, Jace. I... “ and Alec couldn't continue. Jace waited because he knew Alec. He shouldn't pressure his brother.  
Finally, Alec just confessed: “I kissed him”.  
“Oh my g… wait. Should I be happy with this? I mean, I already am, but you know… Can we be happy with this?”  
“Of course not, Jace.”  
“Right. Exactly what I was going to say. And why is that?”  
“Because I embarrassed myself, Jace. I had a freaking anxiety spike and he caught me lain on his bathroom floor. Because I was literally freaking out and he helped me and I kissed him and it was good but he has a kid and I'm such a mess and I can't deal with myself right now and how will I look into his eyes tomorrow?”  
Alec said all that in one breath, no commas, no time to think. He just needed to let it out.  
“Hey, it’s okay, Alec, you kissed him, it’s... not a big deal, right?

Wrong.

“Okay. It’s time.”  
Oh no. Alec knew what was coming his way. Jace likes to call this “Jace’s wisdom time” which usually meant him telling a story with animals and weird endings.  
“You’re right, it’s ‘Jace’s wisdom tiiiiiime’”, he said kinda singing.

Lord, help.

“I have a great story for you today. But please don’t interrupt me. This is important.”  
“I interrupt you because those stories never make sense.”  
“Of course they do. Shut up and listen.”

They were inside of Alec’s bedroom, Jace sitting on his bed, Alec on the floor, where he felt comfortable.

Jace started: “A man was walking and minding his own business when he heard a noise. Like... maybe someone crying? But at the same time, it didn’t sound human. So the-“  
“Was he walking in New York? Because you can’t hear a damn thing here.”  
“No, Alec, so-”  
“Where was he?”  
“Somewhere else. Let me finish. The man was in a city where you could hear things like that. So, he walked in the direction where the sound was coming from and-“  
“Oh God, was he murdered? That’s what happens in movies.”  
“Alec, I swear, shut up goddamn it. Anyway, the guy went near a house and found a dog-”  
“We love dogs.”  
“Right. Jesus, shut up. As I was saying, the guy saw a dog. But the dog was crying in pain. He could tell. The dog had his paw on a nail, in the garden of the house.”  
“That’s awful.”  
“Yeah. So the guy called for the dog's owner, and this other guy appeared. The first man said, ‘Hey, why is your dog like this?’ And the owner said back ‘He put his pawn on the nail and now he won’t move’. The first one replied: ‘And why don’t you help him?’, and the owner replied: ‘He could move if he wants and stop this pain. He just doesn’t want to.’ The end.”

Alec was looking at his moronic brother.

“That story doesn’t make any sense, as usual. The dog would have moved his paw. This is totally ridiculous.”  
“No, it’s pure wisdom. See, the dog can move and end his misery, but he chose not to.”  
“Who does that? Who chooses to be in pain?”  
“Well, my dear brother, sometimes a familiar pain is better than an unknown one. That’s the message here. The dog is in pain, but maybe he’s too scared of what might happen, so he decides to stay there forever. Because he already knows how to deal with that.”  
“So, in this story... I’m the nail, right?”, Alec said in a mocking tone.  
“You’re so right... Of course not, dumbass. You’re the dog. And I’m not saying you choose your... feelings and stuff, but I’m saying that maybe you’re using that to hide and avoid something new.”

“Jace, you know I can’t...”  
“Alec, what’s the worse thing that can happen regarding Magnus and yourself?”

Alec didn’t need to think to answer that: “Magnus might like me. Rafe might like me. And I break their hearts by being myself. Rafe has to go to therapy forever. Magnus will never trust anyone again in his life because I ruined everything...”

The worst-case scenario for Alec was them realizing he’s not enough.

Not enough. Not enough. Never enough.

“Jeeeesus, man. Chill. And no. A worst-case scenario is you genuinely liking Magnus. Because that will be new and you won’t know what to do with it. You will have to be there and open up, you know, you’ll have to live, and you generally avoid that at all costs. It’s not... ‘your style’ (Jace was making air quotes). It would be dealing with the unknown, and, well, that’s not always pleasant. So yeah, people choose a familiar pain.’

Alec sighed. He was tired.

‘So, what do you suggest I should do? Take my paw away from that nail to meet a new pain, is that it?”

“No. Take your paw from the nail... just to see what happens.”

 

***

Alec was nervous (ahahahaha, what a surprise!) that Monday morning. He was looking obsessively at the mall’s entrance, waiting for Mags. That’s incorrect: waiting to run away from Mags.

Because Alec was a grown man and had decided, being a mature person, that he would hide in the bathroom if needed.

Jace was in total disbelief.  
“Dude! Really? Can you be an adult for a second and just act normal? You two kissed, you’re not married with five kids... yet!”  
“Jace! Seriously?”  
“What? Magnus is such a catch! And so are you, I think... Kind of. Anyway, I was polite and didn’t even ask if it was a french kiss and-“

“It wasn’t. Not yet.”  
Magnus. Magnus said that. Because Alec had his back to the spot from where Magnus would appear and apparently Jace tricked him. Oh, if Alec could kill Jace just by looking at him...  
Alec turned fast to look at Magnus.

“Too bad to hear that,” Jace said smiling. “Morning, Magnus!”  
“Hello, Jace! Hi, Alec, how are you?”  
Alec froze. He didn’t know what to do.  
“I... You... I... I have to go to the bathroom, excuse me.”

Crap.  
Magnus was looking confused at Jace, who was pissed now.  
“You know, one of the advantages of you both being men is that you can go after him into the bathroom. I suggest you do that now”, Jace said after a minute. Magnus nodded and went after Alec.

Well, that was not the reaction Magnus was expecting at all.

He opened the bathroom door and saw Alec leaning against the sink, looking down. He looked at Magnus as soon as he entered the room.

“Oh. Hey. Sorry. Sorry about... this”, Alec was embarrassed once again.  
“Is everything okay? I mean, I know we didn’t do much Saturday, but nobody has reacted like that before, I can’t be that bad.”  
Alec was laughing now because the idea of Magnus being bad at anything just sounded ridiculous.  
“Of course not. I... I liked it. I mean, I initiated the whole thing, I really can’t complain. And I’m glad I did it”, he said with a shy smile on his face. Magnus was smiling now.  
“You know, Alexander, we don’t need to rush anything. Or to label this, whatever this is. Honestly, I’m the last person that would label anything. I like spending time with you, and I would like to know if we can do that more often. So, I was thinking... I go to this yoga class sometimes, here, in the mall, at night, before heading home. Would you like to join me?”  
“Like on a date?”  
“No no, like on... us hanging out in tight pants. You know, no labels and all.”

Alec was pondering. Tight pants did sound good. But he was still embarrassed about everything.

“Are you sure? That you want me to go with you?”  
“Yes. And it will be good for you. Yoga can do wonders about your-“  
“Flexibility?”  
Magnus laughed.  
“Well, I haven’t had the chance to test that yet to say if it needs to be better. (Alec was blushing.) I was going to say that it is good for your anxiety. But flexibility works for me.”

“Yeah, hmmm, I mean, seems harmless. It’s just exercise. I think, I think I can do that.”  
“Great. There’s a class tomorrow at 8. I’ll come to your kiosk to pick you up.”

That was sounding like a date, wasn’t it? Magnus saw Alec’s expression and corrected himself:  
“Because you don’t know where the class is. I will show you, and after that, you can go anytime you like.”

Right. That was it. Of course.

“Okay. Good. Thanks. Yeah, so see you tomorrow...”  
“See you tomorrow, Alexander, have a great day”, Magnus said, staring at Alec for a bit longer than necessary before leaving the bathroom.

Yoga. Yoga will be good. And Alec had just the right pants to use in this occasion.

***

“Are you excited for your non-date with Magnus?”, Jace asked. It was 7.30 pm, and Alec was ready. He was wearing his beloved zebra leggings and loose shorts on top of that.  
“Well, I put my zebra leggings, so, I think we can say yes”.  
When Izzy gave him those leggings he thought they were the most ridiculous thing ever. Where would he wear those? But he finds himself wearing them more and more, even at home, just because it was a gift from his sister and gifts were not something he was used to.

Magnus was there at 7.45 pm. He was wearing sweatpants. A bit tight, but Alec wasn’t complaining. He was staring at the man’s... pants and Jace was amused by that.  
Magnus noticed and waited a few seconds before getting Alec’s attention (I mean, he had that already, but he wanted Alec to focus on the right body part now, in this case, his face): “Hey, ready?”  
Alec tried to recompose himself. “Sure. Jace, I’ll be back as soon as the class is over. Please, don’t put our kiosk on fire or anything.”  
“Pffff, my own brother doubting my abilities of-“  
Alec just gave him a look.  
“Okay, I promise.”  
“Thank you”.

They were walking side by side now, heading to the Yoga class at the end of the hall.  
“Those shorts are... covering you very well”, Magnus said without looking at Alec, who was laughing now.  
“Well, I don’t know what we will do, I thought it was better to be prepared.”  
“Good idea,” Magnus said in an almost seductive tone.

They arrived at the class, which occupied a spacious and colorful room, with a lot of yoga mattresses on the floor. A man was talking to a few ladies already inside. Magnus was confused. “Hi, sorry, where is Tara?”  
“Oh”, the man said, “She’s sick. I’m covering for her today. I’m Mike, nice to meet you.”  
Magnus and Alec introduced themselves, and Magnus noticed that Mike was looking a bit too much at Alec.  
Maybe that wasn’t the best idea after all.

They took their places inside the room, standing side by side.

Mike, the yoga instructor, greeted the class and started with a few breathing exercises to calm everybody. Instrumental music was playing, and Alec was feeling more relaxed by the minute.

They started moving, slowly, getting to the downward dog position. Man, those names, am I right? Alec was managing. He looked at Magnus, who resembled a freaking ballerina moving graciously on that mattress. Alec breathed and focused on his own position.

They did a plank pose after that and, in the sequence, they had to put one leg next to their arms and raise their upper body. Uh, Alec almost lost his balance but luckily Mike was there. Mike was there, and Magnus was not so relaxed in yoga class anymore. They did the warrior pose, and Mike assisted Alec the whole time, with one hand on Alec’s stomach and the other in his back. Magnus was honestly so grateful for those loose shorts Alec was wearing because the instructor seems to be developing x-ray vision to check Alec’s ass. Hey, Mister!

It was not like Magnus was Alec’s... anything. Yeah, they kissed. Once. Briefly. And this was not a date, right? So Magnus wasn’t in any position to be jealous, correct?

But he was. He was, and he didn’t know what to do about it. Mike, can you do the ‘play dead pose’ and take your hands OFF of Alec, please?

That was not happening. They did the tree pose; Mike has holding Alec by his sides. Magnus was so upset he didn’t even move.

“Magnus, do you need help with this pose?” Mike asked (still with his hands on Alec). Magnus, to be honest, could teach this whole class because he had been practicing yoga for a long time now – it helped him calm down during the divorce. But he did the only mature thing he could at that moment. He lied.

“Yes, I do need help. Can you correct me here?”, he said, making Mike leave Alec for a bit.

He was relieved.

But obviously, things were about to get worse. They were doing the bridge pose, where you project your hips in the air while laying down. Mike was looking at Alec as if he was about to... well, cross that bridge.

Magnus was beyond irritated now.

But Alec wasn’t paying attention to any of this. He was more focused on doing the poses correctly or looking at Magnus from time to time to see those tight sweatpants working... Magnus filled those pants really well.

Alec remembered the kiss they shared because that was the perfect time to do that. And he was wondering if he would ever taste Magnus. Like, his mouth, and other things as well. And damn, why did Magnus have to look so... flexible? Suddenly, Alec was worried, he was giving “the bridge pose” a new meaning. Oh, Lord. He put himself on the ground and sat up immediately. Mike was right next to him. “Hey, are you okay? Did you feel something?”

Yes.

Hmmm.

“No, I’m...”  
“He’s okay, Mike, you don’t have to worry, I’ve got him. Right, Alexander?”

That was not helping his bridge situation. Magnus got him. He breathed.

“Yeah, Mike, thank you, I’m fine. Magnus is right, I’m fine”, he said looking now at Magnus, who seemed upset.

They finished the class after saluting the sun and having a relaxing moment just laid on the mattress. Magnus couldn’t leave the room fast enough, he barely spoke with Mike before heading out. Alec thanked the guy, and they talked for a bit, while Magnus waited for him outside the room.

They met and walked next to each other.

“So, that was fun”, Alec said teasing Magnus.  
“Maybe for you, since you just got yourself a boyfriend and all.”  
Magnus, don’t be bitter. Be an adult.  
Alec laughed loudly now. “Well, in fact, he gave me his number, so... Maybe you’re right.”  
“What?”  
Really, what?  
Alec showed him the paper with Mike’s number on it. Magnus tried to seemed not affected by that.  
“Hmmm. Nice for you. You both can do different yoga poses and fit together perfectly.”  
Alec was having too much fun to stop now. He never expected this from Magnus.  
“Yeah, maybe we will. He can teach me privately, you know, work on my flexibility, make me stretch like never before and all.”  
Alec was impressed with himself. He usually did not behave like this. But this was Magnus and maybe, next to him, he was able to develop this new dynamic, be more bold, less afraid. He could breathe more, let things flow.  
And Magnus’ face was too priceless not to give this a try.

“Oh, that’s... good for you.”  
Magnus seemed so sad now. Alec was astonished. Magnus could not be like this because of him, right?  
“Hey”, Alec said looking at Magnus, “I’m joking. Were you really afraid I was going to call him or something?”  
“Pffffff, no”.

Right.

“But we are not on a date, so... I don’t know, I just...”, Magnus started to say, and he stopped because Alec was holding his hand.  
“Yeah. Best non-date I’ve ever been on”, he said laughing. They passed by a trash can and Alec tossed Mike’s number into it.  
They were almost at the mug kiosk now. There was a comfortable silence between them. Once again, this hand-holding thing was not planned or something Alec was expecting to do at all. But Magnus just made him act like that. He felt like he was always between panicking and at complete ease with Magnus. Or because of him. Alec didn’t know. Again, he just wanted to enjoy this now and freak out later.

So he did.

Magnus stopped a little distant from the kiosk to say his goodbye. Alec never let him say the first word, he stood in front of Magnus and kissed him. Just like that. He started slow, just lips touching, but this time he wanted to do more, so he licked Magnus’ lips and, in response, he felt Magnus’ tongue against his own for the first time. Magnus was surprised about Alec’s initiative, but he decided he needed to enjoy it as much as he could, while he could. He was kissing Alec back with clear desire, just as much as Alec was kissing him with. They were breathing each other, getting closer and closer to each other as well. Their mouths were colliding and clashing, with hunger.

Magnus was amazed by how much he missed that kind of contact as well. It was much needed for both of them.

When Alec couldn’t breathe anymore (finally, now, for a good reason), he broke the kiss.

“Like I said, best non-date. Thank you for the class, Mags, I enjoyed it. You did your yoga sweatpants justice.” Magnus giggled. What was happening? “Well, have a good night, I have to go back to Jace...”, Alec said almost sad now.  
“Yeah yeah, I have to go too. Thank you for tonight, it was better than I expected.”  
“Honestly, for me too.”

Alec smiled.

Only then did he release Magnus’ hand, and went to his brother. Magnus passed by them, looking at Alec (he ignored Jace, not on purpose, it just happened), heading to the escalator.

***

“Okay? That’s it? Okay? That’s all you have to say?”  
“Yes. That’s all you’ll get from me.”  
“Oh, for God’s sake, Alec. You came back almost glowing from that class, and I bet it wasn’t because of the exercises.”  
“Well, FYI, the yoga instructor hit on me!”  
“WHAT? Since when are you the hottest piece of ass around?”  
“Honestly, I was thinking the same thing. But Magnus noticed way before I did, I only realized when the guy gave me his number.”  
“Obviously. I wouldn’t expect anything different from you.”  
“Thank you, Jace. Anyway, Magnus was not happy about it. I think he was jealous.”  
“Oh, if you’re saying this, things were out of control!”  
“I know. They were! Magnus was talking like I was about to move in with this guy, it was hilarious. I don’t know, I felt weird. I was joking, but he became sad all of a sudden and that was too much. So I-“  
“Kissed him and opened his shirt and licked his-“  
“I HELD HIS HAND. Jace!”  
“What? A brother can dream. Go on. You, in the most not exciting way, held his hand. And?”  
“And after that I... kinda kissed him again!”  
“I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT, don’t you do that to me again, buddy!”  
Alec was enjoying this, just because Jace cared about him and his happiness. He was a bit invested in this ‘whatever thing’ he had with Magnus.  
Were they... having a thing? He didn’t know.  
“See, those mugs are powerful and magical. They are getting you to make out with a hot guy! Made this business worth it already.”  
Jace was caring, Alec couldn’t deny that.

“So, what does it mean?”  
“What?”  
“You, kissing Magnus. Hanging out and checking him out, you know... What does that mean? Will you go on a real date with him? Will you be Papa now?”

Jace was saying a lot of other things. Alec was not listening, because he was panicking. Really, what did he decide before? To not get involved with anyone. What did he do instead? He got involved with someone. Someone that was also a parent. Alec, you’re really something. They need to stop this, no? Because Alec wasn’t ready to be a Papa or whatever. He never asked for that. He needed help to go by day by day, how he could be involved in some kid’s life? He would ruin everything; he knew that. What if he had an episode in front of Rafe and freaked the boy out? He felt so unsuitable; so unqualified.

The problem this time was not Alec. No. It was Magnus. Alec barely knew the guy and was already falling for him like a freaking teenager. Not that he was falling for Magnus. He was just... obsessively thinking about the guy. And that sucks. Things were better and simpler when Alec had no one to be daydreaming about. When he didn’t have a kid to consider too.

This beautiful memory of himself kissing Magnus and being bold and brave like he always hoped he would be was quickly fading away, replaced by fear.

Alec wasn’t the type to play with someone else’s feelings. He wasn’t going to start now.  
He needed to end this. For his and Magnus’ sake.

***

“I think we need to talk”, Alec said inside ‘Magnus’ delight’. Oh, that smell again. Magnus’. Everything Magnus was involved with had his clear and distinctive print on it.

Alec just got there, and Magnus already gave him a cup of tea to make Alec feel welcome. Alec didn't know how to behave when he saw Magnus. He was going to say hi without touching the man, but Magnus had other plans and when to kiss him immediately. It was brief, but Alec felt goosebumps. That made him happy. And sad seconds later. He was there to end “things”. Were they having a thing?, he kept thinking about that. Whatever it was, he needed to end it. He was sure now.

He breathed, because Magnus was like that, all… caring. It made it all confusing.

He drank his tea. Damn it, even the tea was good. Today was lemon with honey (lemon balm helps with brain activity and, look at that, anxiety levels. Was Magnus a clairvoyant or something?)

Whatever, the decision was made. Alec needed peace. Peace to freak out. Peace to feel miserable. To doubt himself. You know, normal life.

“I think we need to talk”, Alec said again.  
“Yeah, I agree”.  
Alec wasn't expecting that.  
“You do?”  
“Yes. I was thinking… that non-date thing was nice, but a bit…”  
“Silly”, Alec completed.  
“Yeah. So, that's why I was thinking about putting a stop to that…”, Magnus started, and Alec couldn't believe how disappointed he felt. Of course Magnus wouldn't want to be with him, he was a mess, and he saw Alec being ridiculous and vulnerable having his ‘episodes’, but he never thought about how he would feel if Magnus didn’t want him. Alec was lost in thoughts and sorrow already (because those feelings were always so easy to emerge for him, they were just a little below the surface all the time), that he almost missed Magnus next words: “to have a proper date with you”.

Oi? Excuse me?

Alec didn't think when he said: “Yes.”

Noooooo. Alec, what are you doing? You had your mind made up two seconds ago. You were supposed to end this.

But Magnus was there, looking at him like he was precious or something, touching him, touching his face, happy, with damn heart eyes, and Alec wanted to giggle at the sight, and it was all too difficult, so instead of sticking to his plan, he embraced Magnus’ invitation like a lifeline. Crap.

“Good. I'm glad we're on the same page. Rafe will spend the night at his friends’ house next Saturday. What do you think of going to my place? I can cook, and we can talk with no interruptions.”  
Alec wasn't sure about being alone with Mags but said yes once again. Damn it.

“Great!”, Magnus said pleased. He kissed Alec again, deeply, ignoring grumpy Ragnor around them.

What happened to ‘I don’t like labels’? What happened to ‘not doing this’?  
Alec was thinking this over and over: ‘What happened’?

***

“I can’t do this”, Alec said to Jace. It was Saturday night, and he was ready to go to Magnus. He was sitting in his bed now, but he was nervous. He hadn’t slept in two days just thinking about this date. A lot of scenarios popped into his head: sometimes he saw himself and Magnus having a great time, enjoying themselves, laughing, eating, sharing silly stories and memories. He almost believed he could have that.

Seconds later, those lovely images were replaced by other ones: Alec, nervous, acting weird, having palpitations and trouble breathing, Magnus trying to help him (what a waste of energy), all in vain, or worst, Magnus having enough of this and sending Alec away. After all, who wants to be with someone like this?

Alec used to joke that he had a low tolerance to life. Jace and Izzy always laughed at that, but truth to be told, he hated that idea, because it felt so authentic. He cursed himself sometimes; he felt so weird and problematic all the time. And guilty. For feeling weird and problematic. It was an endless cycle of misery. He wished he could act “normal” for once. He hoped he didn’t panic around people or that he could wake up and do things without questioning himself a million times.

“Alec, what are you talking about? You totally can do this. You even have that beautiful denim shirt on; you will rock tonight’, Jace said in the most cheerful tone he could.

But Alec knew better. He had so many reasons not to do this. Liking Magnus wasn’t enough; maybe, there were already too many things at risk. And why would he want to give Magnus something else to worry about? The man was busy already; he didn’t need Alec and his silly problems.

“I think I’ll cancel.”  
“Alec, why?”  
“You know why. I can’t... do that to Magnus.”  
“Do what?”  
“Let him like me, Jace. I can’t do that. And I can’t like him back. This will never work. I’m... too much of a mess to do that.”  
“A mess to do that? To what, live?”  
“YES!”  
His heart was beating faster.

“Alec...”, Jace sat right next to Alec and held his hands, looking straight into his eyes. “You’re my brother, and I love you more than anything, but who you are it’s not the end of the world. It’s okay. Everybody struggles with something. That doesn’t make you unworthy of happiness, you know? I swear it’s okay. But as long as you don’t accept who you are and the way you behave, you will only make things worse for you. The problem is not the anxiety itself; it’s how you’re dealing with it. I told you how many times now, go see a therapist, go do something to make yourself feel better. I know it’s possible, but you have to want this. Move your paw, buddy.”

Alec was just quiet; he had tears in his eyes. He’d had that conversation with Jace, with variations, many times before.

“And about Magnus. I don’t think it’s fair that you decide for him if he should like you or not. It’s not how... life is. Don’t take that away from him.”  
Jace smiled at him to show support and left the room to let Alec finish getting ready.

But Alec was feeling so sad. There was this feeling, almost a real and palpable thing, pressing his chest. He started crying and sobbing, holding his knees against his chest.

He wished he could be different, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know what to do.

He stayed like that for some time, until he remembered to pick his phone and, with great effort, sent a message to Magnus:

_***_

“Dad, why are you so dressed up? You’re wearing your fancy makeup...”  
Magnus laughed because it was true. His son was so smart already. But today it was a special occasion, and he wanted to be at his best.  
They were at Magnus’ bathroom, where Magnus was giving the final touch-ups in his eyeliner. Rafe was sitting on the floor, playing with Chairman Meow, who kept chasing his own tale, to Rafe’s amusement.

“Well, Rafe, a friend is coming over tonight.”  
“What friend?”  
“Alec. Do you remember him?”  
“Yes! He gave me Dora and Chairman.”  
“Exactly.”

Magnus’ attention was back to his own face when Rafe spoke again:  
“I like Alec.”  
Magnus smiled at that.  
“I like Alec too.”  
“Will you play together?”  
Magnus laughed now.  
“Hmmm... maybe? If I’m lucky?”  
“You can play with my legos if you want...”  
“Thank you, son; I’m sure we’ll find some pieces to put together when the time is right.”  
He was laughing again.

“Is everything ready for you to be at Paul’s tonight?”  
“Yes, Daddy... Are you sure Chairman can’t come with me?”  
“I’m sure, Rafe. Cats like to be at their own homes; they have their routine. But he’ll be fine. Alec and I will take care of him tonight, okay?”  
“Do you promise?”  
“I promise.”  
“Oh! And ask him to bring your mug. He forgot to bring it to you at my party. You need your Dora mug to be our mug friend too.”  
“Am I not your friend, Rafe?”  
“Not my mug friend, no”, and the boy laughed seeing his Dad’s face.

“Paul’s mom will be here any minute now. Okay, how do I look?”  
Magnus bent a bit so his son could evaluate him and his work. Rafe looked intensely at Magnus, turning his face to the left and then to the right, careful, to see everything. “You look really pretty, Daddy.”  
“Thank you, Son.”

They heard the door.   
“Okay, that’s for you. Remember, you can call Dad anytime or if anything happens, okay? Just ask Paul’s mom.”  
“Right.”  
“Hey, did you get Dora with you?”  
Magnus was asking about the mug.  
“Yes, she’s in my backpack. I promised Alec I would take care of her. Like you will with Chairman, right, Dad?”  
“Yes. Now, give me a big hug.”  
Rafe hugged his Dad as tight as he could. He went to his room to pick up his backpack while Magnus was answering the door. A few moments later, Rafe was ready to go.  
“I can’t find Chairman, tell him I love him.”  
“And what about me?”  
“I love you too, Dad”, Rafe said laughing. He kissed his father on the cheek, careful not to ruin his make up, and went to the car where his friend Paul was waiting for him.

Magnus had a free night! Uhuuuuul. He made a dance to celebrate that because that was rare. Like, raaaaare. And he was excited. He expected Alec to pass out when he asked him to have this date. But Alec said yes, and now he only had to enjoy his time. He prepared everything, realizing there was so much about Alec he didn’t know yet. Does he like wine? Beer? Italian soda? What was his favorite dish? His favorite song? His favorite position? Magnus’ head was exploding with the anticipation. To be honest, he hadn’t felt like this in quite a while. Excited about someone. Even during his marriage, things were a bit cold with Camille. After the divorce, his energy was all in Rafe – and in getting rid of his ex. And now he was a dad, and that was time and energy consuming enough. The few dates that he tried were all in vain as soon as the topic ‘Rafe’ was brought up. But Alec seems to like Rafe, which was his first concern. And he seems to like Magnus as well, his second concern. I mean, you don’t kiss someone the way Alec kissed him if he doesn’t have feelings (well, something, at least) for the other person, right? And Alec was nice. He was a bit uptight and difficult to read sometimes, he was someone that needs to rely on you to open up, but Magnus could wait. They could know each other, see where this could go.

He was finishing setting up the table when he got a message.

He kept looking at the screen of his phone.  
That was it? Really? He was so mad now, so frustrated. Alec “wasn’t making it?” What the hell did that mean? Maybe something happened... Should he call to check? If it was something serious, Alec would let him know.

Magnus went to his fridge, grabbed the wine bottle and a glass, and sat on the couch, drinking and staring at that stupid message.

All for nothing.

Not only he was sad and frustrated, but he also had to explain to Rafe, the next morning, that Alec couldn’t come. And Rafe did what he didn’t have to as 5-year-old. He consoled his dad, hugging him tightly.

“It’s okay to be sad, Dad, remember? You can cry if you feel like. Paul keeps saying it is a girl’s thing to do, but I told him you taught me it’s okay to be sad and cry, even being a boy.”

That precious kid.

“Thank you, son; I think your hug will be enough to make me feel better.”

So they hugged and had tea in the morning.

On Monday, Magnus went straight to his store, not even giving a glance at the mug kiosk. That’s why he didn’t notice Alec’s absence that day.

***

Eventually, on Wednesday, Magnus was sick of the silent treatment and went to the mug kiosk at his lunch break. Jace was cleaning a few mugs before displaying them.   
“Hey, Jace.”  
“Hey, Magnus, what’s up?”  
“Not much. I want to speak with Alexander, is he in the bathroom or something?”  
“Oh. Actually, Alec’s at home. He’s been there since the weekend”, Jace said with a worried expression.  
So, something did happen. Magnus cursed himself for not calling Alec on Saturday to check on him.  
“Is everything alright?”  
“I don’t know, Magnus. Alec is... more nervous than normal if that is possible. Maybe you should talk to him.”  
“Yeah, I’ll do that. Were do you live?”  
“What? I meant to call him, not busting into our house!”  
“Jace. Address. Now.”

Crap, Alec was going to kill him, Jace knew it. The last thing his brother needed was Magnus showing up at his door. But Magnus was looking at him like he was about to kill him as well, so he just gave the address and hoped for the best.

*

Alec heard a knock on the door. He was in the living room, still in his pajamas, not feeling well enough to move. But he made an effort and regretted it immediately once he saw Magnus there. Magnus looked at Alec a bit shocked.   
“Jesus, Alexander, what happened to you?”  
He was looking like crap.  
“What are you doing here?”, he answered with a tired tone.  
Not the warm welcome Magnus was expecting.  
“I came by to see how are you and...”  
“Well, I’m fine, thanks. You can go now.”  
Magnus was sick of this.  
“You know what, Alexander, you think you can do this to me? Play with me like this? Because you can’t. You can’t kiss me one day and not come to our date the next. And you didn’t even bother to explain to me why! Do you know how hard it is for me to have a night off, to have someone to look after Rafe for me? You don’t. This is serious, Alexander. It’s not just about me-“  
“I KNOW. Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think it’s killing me because I like you and I’m such a mess, and I can’t screw this up because it’s not only you, it’s Rafe as well, and I don’t feel like I can do this-“  
“You like me?”  
Alec was now looking at Magnus’ face. Of everything he said, that was the thing Magnus paid attention to?  
“Yes. But I don’t-“  
“Shut up”, Magnus said, moving forward and meeting his lips against Alec’s. Alec was surprised, but he let the man kiss him like he wanted to do as well.

They were kissing fervently. Alec was enjoying having a break from himself to dive into Magnus. That sandalwood smell was all over him, and he liked it, he felt warm. He didn’t know how, but they were both laying on the couch now, Magnus on top of him, still kissing. Magnus was now a bit more adventurous and was kissing and licking Alec’s neck. He was enjoying this, but they needed to stop. Like now.

“Magnus.”  
“Hmmm?”  
“I think we should stop.”

Magnus looked at him right away, worried.   
“Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, it’s just... if we keep going like this, I don’t think we will stop later. And I don’t think it’s time... yet.”  
Yet. He said yet. So there was hope, no?

Magnus only nodded and left Alec’s... body on the couch, standing up himself.   
“I think you’re probably right, sorry about that. I think I was just worried when Jace told me you were here the whole weekend.”  
“No, it’s okay, I just... wasn’t feeling great. I’m sorry about our date. I really wanted to go.”  
“It’s fine. We can have our date right now.”  
“Magnus, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m still in my pajamas.”  
“And no underwear. Believe me, I noticed. (Alec was red all over) Now, let me order some food for us. You can see if you have something for us to drink, how about that?”  
Alec only nodded and went to the kitchen. Magnus ordered some food on his cell phone. “Do you like Asian? And yes, that is a trick question.”

Alec laughed at that. “Apparently, I do.”  
“Good answer.”

Alec only had cheap wine and water. They tried the wine and stuck with water. Thirty minutes later, the food arrived. They ate and talked, sitting on the couch of Alec and Jace’s living room.

The place itself wasn’t fancy. It was quite simple, not a lot of furniture, white walls, a few pictures of Alec and Jace with a brunette and a younger male were the only decorative item in the living room. The couch was the big and comfy, the single item they seemed to have spent more money on. Oh, and the tv. Other than that...

“So, why didn’t you show up on Saturday?”, Magnus asked.  
“I... Don’t know. I really wanted to, but I just couldn’t. I was afraid to mess things up, I guess.”  
“And because of that, you end up messing things up.”  
They both smiled at each other.  
“Apparently, yes. I’m sorry about that. Everything is just confusing right now. I mean, I like you, but I’m scared. I don’t think I should be doing this.”  
“This... what?”  
“Liking you.”  
“Ohhh. And why not?”  
“Magnus, things are... complicated. With me. I don’t think this will be a good idea. And there’s Rafe...”  
“Well, let ME be the one worried about my kid.”  
“No, sorry, I didn’t mean...”, Alec was getting nervous again, he was breathing with a bit of a difficulty.  
“Hey, it’s okay. I know what you meant. And I’m telling you I know what I’m doing. I want this.”

Alec only nodded. This was crazy and unexpected.

They finished their meals and talked some more. Alec was yawning, because he hasn’t slept so well in the past few days. He was panicking and feeling miserable for himself, and that can keep you busy.

Magnus stood up and offer his hand to Alec. “C’mon”.  
“Where?”  
“To your room.”  
“Magnus, I don’t think we...”  
“To sleep. You need to rest. Come. Show me where it is.”

So Alec did. He was inside his room now, next to Magnus.   
“This room is pretty... empty”, Magnus said almost sadly. He also felt the faint aroma of sandalwood oil in the air (apparently Alec was using the one Magnus gave him, and that made the man smile a little).  
“Yeah, I don’t have much. And I need space to lay on the floor sometimes”, Alec said in a low voice, aware of how much he was sharing with Magnus now. But Magnus only said:  
“Okay. Now, bed. Lay down.”

Alec was a bit nervous but did as Magnus said.   
“Good. Now, close your eyes.”  
Alec was about to do that when he said: “Are you leaving?”  
“Yes. Why? Do you want me to stay with you for a while?”  
“I think so, yes.”

Magnus was bewildered with that. He took off his boots and his jacket and lay next to Alec.  
“Are you okay?”, he asked.  
“Uhum”, Alec said closing his eyes.

The bed wasn’t that big and soon enough, whether because of the lack of space, the tiredness, or something else, they were both sleeping, their legs intertwined, Magnus’ hand on top of Alec’s chest. During sleep, Alec put his hand on top of Magnus’ as well.


	4. The courage that overcome our fears

Maryse Lightwood had what most of us would call “a difficult childhood”. She came from a troubled and dysfunction family, that was in no condition to look after a child. Much less to raise one.

Her father left her mother when Maryse was a toddler, and her mom was in no condition to support her in any way, especially while dealing with depression. She gave Maryse away.

Naturally, what Maryse wanted more than anything in the world was to start her own perfect and loving family. She wanted it all – the white picket fence, the big house, a lot of children, a husband. After she met Robert, she thought she finally would be able to have all that.

The beginning was difficult for both of them since neither came from a wealthy family. They had to struggle, to hustle, to make their way up. Maryse had two jobs to save money for their small wedding and their house. The few friends they had helped them any way they could at the time.

After one year of marriage, came the first child. A boy. Robert was so proud of himself. He always wanted a boy. Maryse stopped working after Alec was born, she wanted to be a full-time mom and a housewife. She was happy. ‘Tireless’ Jace, ‘Smart’ Izzy and ‘Curious’ Maxie came after, to make the family complete, the way Maryse always pictured. The way she always prayed for in the evenings, before bed, when Robert was brushing his teeth, and she knew he couldn’t hear her: “Please, God, give me a family, give me children to love, I will take care of them the best I can”.

But it was hard to give what you didn’t have. Or what you didn’t know.

Maryse tried her best, and she loved her kids with all her heart, but she didn’t know how to handle them. She relied on them to showed her how to do things; she was (without realizing it) seeking their approval all the time; seeking their support. To encourage her and tell her things were good.

Of course you can count on your family, but Maryse didn’t understand what it meant to be a responsible parent. Parents need to protect their kids. To guide them. To comfort them. But she was playing this in reverse, expecting her children to do that for her. In her mind, in her heart, she was still a rejected kid wanting to be loved and accepted. Like so many of us.

Her behavior weighed down on her family, especially on the eldest. Alec, over time, became the support Maryse seek every day, the refuge she needed when things were bad. After Robert was fired, things only got worst, as expected.

Alec and Jace were like two different sides of the same coin and, somehow, even being so different, they worked together. It was with no surprise that, when older, they decided to move out of their parents’ house and live together. Actually, it was no surprise for Robert. Maryse was devastated. She never prepared her kids to face the world. She prepared them to stick around and to be with her forever. A family. A unit. An eternal bond.

They left, and things were never the same. Her relationship with Alec faced a big turn when she stopped calling him and talking to him at all. She was broken. She felt betrayed and abandoned, once again. She didn’t understand this process of growing up. Of dealing with life. Or of being responsible for your own happiness.

Alec was crushed with that. He had already given her so much, and he had so much to deal with himself. Jace kept saying to people that his family problems caused Alec's anxiety, but really, that situation only made it worse for him.

He knew he had felt inadequate since a young age, how school was a nightmare because of his fear of failure. He was afraid people would find out what a fraud he was, how he was not smart, not bright. Not enough. So he put that extra work on his assignments and studied more than the others to prove his self-worth. He needed to do that to help his mom, to not be a burden to her, to show her that ‘he got this’. Being responsible for someone’s happiness was not a light or easy task.

Now, as an adult, he questioned himself: was he a bad son? Was he wrong in trying to live this life, to find a better environment? To seek a place where he could breathe?

Mother and son were still not talking, that’s why Alec was so apprehensive tonight. Izzy managed to invite her siblings to dinner; a family dinner. With their parents. At their house.

“Do you think it’s a good idea for us to be there? I don’t know how mom will be”, Alec said, clearly worried and uncertain, to Jace.  
“It will be fine. Izzy will be there. And Maxie. And free food. It will be wonderful, I have no doubt”.

Jace was the only one without doubts about this.

***

Jace rang the bell. Alec was holding a bottle of wine, next to him. They were wearing suits, and Alec felt too formal already, even with his shirt unbuttoned a little. Jace was trying to cheer him up when the door opened, suddenly, and Maryse Lightwood was in front of them. Smiling.

If it was a forced smile, Alec couldn’t tell right away.

She hugged her kids, grabbed the wine bottle and let them in.

They headed to the living room, finding Izzy in a gorgeous red dress and an enthusiastic Maxie next to her. He came up to hug them immediately, followed by Izzy. Even being a family, the bond the Lightwood kids have was something to behold. Maybe that’s what happens when everything around you is in a constant state of madness. You find your people and stick with them. Your real people. Alec, Jace, Izzy, and Max were the true meaning of family – at least to Alec now.

Alec went to talk to Robert. “Father.” Robert shook his son’s hand, doing the same with Jace.

Maryse disappeared in the kitchen. “I offered to help, but she said it was best if I didn’t”, Izzy told them disappointed. Her siblings laughed a little. Alec went to give her another hug; he was so happy to see her.

“Dinner is ready”, Maryse said a few minutes after, interrupting the conversation between her kids.

They sat around the table, the smell of the food making Jace smile from ear to ear.

“So... Izzy told me you two are now... selling... what was it? Plates?”  
“Mugs, Dad”, Jace corrected Robert.  
“Right. Mugs. How... interesting.”

Alec was just eating. He was not in the mood.

“It is. People like our product. We have mugs with different messages and images; they are a great gift. And you can customize them as well, to, I don’t know, give to a loved one and stuff. It’s pretty nice. The other day this pregnant lady asked me to-“  
“Is the meat okay?”, Maryse interrupted Jace. Her children were now just looking at her.  
“It’s fine, mom. You were saying, Jace?”, Izzy tried to get back to the conversation.  
“Yeah, so, she wanted to tell her husband she was pregnant, so I came up with-“  
“The secret is honey. You put a bit of honey, and the meat tastes like this. Isn’t it good?”, Maryse said again, smiling and nodding her head. No one said anything.

They were just eating again. Robert gave it another try.

“So, Alec... how are you... you know, feeling?”  
Oh, right. Besides all that great situation with Maryse, there was Alec’s anxiety. That was a taboo around the house. No one (meaning, his parents) call it what it was. Usually, when he was still living with them, they just asked “How are you feeling?” or “Did you feel... that... thing again?”

“That thing.”

So comforting.

“Yeah, I’m great, thanks for asking.”  
“In fact, Alec now has a friend that is helping him with-“  
“And the salad is also good, right? I made this special sauce for tonight”. Maryse one more time, preventing Jace to talk. Alec just took a deep breath. He wasn’t nervous now; he was pissed. Can she behave like a grown up just once? Jace was in no better mood. He was about to talk again when his mother just started rambling:

“Yeah, so your father and I... we are thinking about going on a trip, maybe spend a few days at the beach, you know? Get some fresh air, get some rest. We’ve been stuck in the house for so long; I think it will do us good.”

And she went on and on about this trip that all of them knew wasn’t going to happen at all. Never. But Maryse was like this. Not precisely a dreamer, but an “escapist”. That’s what she was doing now. She was escaping, as always. Alec let her. When he was younger, he was the one that brought her back to reality, but now he was just too done with this shit, to be honest, to deal with it. She could drown in her fantasy beach; he didn’t care. He just wanted to get out of there.

Which was exactly what he did 30 minutes after the end of the meal.

“Well, that was... interesting. But we gotta go. I have my “thing” to deal with, right Jace?”, he responded saying his goodbye to Max, and Izzy after that. He promised to invite them to have a proper and fun dinner at their place next week.

Alec said goodbye to his father and, finally, to Maryse.

“Are you okay, mom?” He just... he needed to know. Was she okay?  
“I’m great. Life can’t be better. Did I tell you about the renovation I wanna do in our bathroom?” She was doing it again. Avoiding... everything. Reality. Avoiding her son.  
“Well, that’s great, mom, but I gotta go, I have to meet my boyfriend early tomorrow, so, I guess you will tell me more about this some other time”, he said only to her. He kissed her cheek and left the house, waiting for Jace outside.

“Are you okay? What did you say to mom, she looks like she’s about to faint or something.”  
“Well, that makes two of us. I think I just came out to her.”

*

Oh yeah. There was this other subject as well that Alec couldn’t find a break to talk about with his parents. He suspected that they knew he was gay because he never had a girlfriend or showed the slightest interest in the opposite sex, unlike Jace, that maybe needed a leash to walk outside the house when he was a teenager.  
But Alec never said anything clearly about it. He thought it was a heavy burden for his mother to deal with. He felt he needed to spare her.

Which is ridiculous. Perhaps he was sparing himself from that conversation.

But that night, after that awful dinner, he was feeling so bad, so unwanted in that house, with his mother so absent. And he was so angry, so frustrated, the words just came out of his mouth. Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

They were echoing in his mind. The words were dancing inside his head. He was a bit dizzy.

He came back to his house with Jace, both of them in silence. “I need some tea”, Alec said the minute he walked inside his living room. He went to the kitchen, to realize he already drank all the tea Magnus had given him. Crap.

“Alec, Alec, hey, look at me. Sit down here and look at me. It’s okay, buddy, I’m with you, alright? Just breathe.”

Alec was not having an episode or anything like that. He was too astounded to have an episode now.

He sat next to Jace, drinking a glass of water.

“Why did you say it? I don’t get it. You held that for so long with you. And now... You just said it.”  
“I know! I... pfff, I don’t know, it just... She was getting on my nerves, I guess. And I wanted to give her a reality check, maybe? You think I did the wrong thing?”  
“Buddy, being honest with people about yourself is never wrong. Never. Maybe it wasn’t ideal... But at least now they know, and I’m glad about that. How are you feeling?”  
“Weird.”  
Jace laughed. “I bet. So... you said to her that you have a boyfriend. Right?”  
Oh, Alec knew where this conversation was going.  
“And?”  
“And... I wanna know if you were thinking in a particular person when you said that.”  
“No, not really.”  
Alec was such a bad liar. They both knew who was he thinking about.  
“Right, right, of course. So... are you going to tell him?”  
“Tell what?”  
“See! I didn’t need to explain who was I talking about. Alec, you’re too easy, honestly.”  
“Jace, why do you like to annoy me so much?”  
“Because I love you, buddy. And love is just a big license to annoy people, you know that.”  
Alec's eye rolled. He almost broke his neck, but he eye rolled for good, ufff.  
“Well, Alec, are you going to tell him you two are boyfriends?”  
“No.”  
“Why?”  
“Because we’re not. I just said that to give Mom a message.”  
“A message? That you’re dating and falling for the guy and-”  
“I’m not. Jace, please, stop, don’t do this, okay? I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to have something real and concrete with him. I don’t know if I have it in me.”  
“Buddy...”  
“I mean it. I like him, of course, he’s fun, and beautiful, and so caring and, crap, he smells so good, Jace, why? He could at least be smelly all the time, don’t you think? It is disrespectful. He should at least stink.”  
Jace was so amused.  
“You are worst than I thought.”  
“I know.”  
“Look”, Jace said seriously. “I think you should allow yourself to be happy, just for a change. We already know how it is to feel like dying, let’s try something different.”  
“You know it doesn’t work like that, Jace.”  
“I do. But if you don’t give yourself that chance, Alec, you will be like this forever. Is that what you want? I already told you this; you can have a life. A good and happy one; as long as you want one. Do you?”

Silence. Alec was on the verge of tears. That night was quickly becoming too much to handle.

“Besides, you should be together with him. I need Clary’s number, you know...”

E.Y.E.R.O.L.L.

***

Alec was nervous, but it was a good feeling, for a change. Like butterflies had just found a new home in his stomach, making it twist and turn pleasantly. He was heading to Magnus’ house, to have dinner with him and Rafe.

As friends? As something else?

Alec still didn’t know what to do with that “boyfriend” thing he said. And Magnus didn’t have to know, right?

Jace was left alone in the kiosk, and Alec was avoiding seeing the place on fire or something in his mind. He had a lot to deal with already.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by Rafe almost immediately. “Alec, you’re here! Hello!”

“Hi, Rafe, how are you?”  
“I’m good. Come in; you gotta see Chairman!”

Magnus told Rafe Alec would come today and the boy was excited already, eager to show Alec how he was taking care of Dora and Chairman very well. The boy just offered his hand to Alec and brought the man inside.

“Dad is getting ready. He’s spending more time with his makeup than with food, but don’t tell him I told you that”, the kid said.  
“Ok, I won’t”, Alec promised.  
“Also... tell him he looks nice. Because he does, but it’s good when people say it to us, right?”  
“Sure thing, Rafe. I’ll tell that to your Dad.”  
“Good. Now, I’ll find Chairman, I’ll be back in a minute”, and the boy ran away to his room, leaving Alec alone in the living room. He took off his jacket and put the wine bottle on top of the dinner table, already set up for dinner.  
Alec knew Magnus was close because of the sandalwood smell that impregnated... everything. All his senses. He turned around in time to see Magnus pronounce his name:  
“Alexander, hello. I’m so glad you’re here.”  
“Wooow....”  
Alec said that forgetting his manners and scanning Magnus up and down. The purple shirt he was wearing matched his eye shadow and he looked divine.  
“I mean, hmmm, hi. Hi, Magnus. Thank you for having me.”  
Magnus was smiling a bit.  
“Rafe asked me to tell you that you look really... good.”  
“I think you’ve already done that, but thanks anyway”, Magnus said playfully, winking at Alec and thanking him for the wine after, putting the bottle in the fridge for “after Rafe’s in bed”.

Right. Cool. Cool cool cool.

“Oh, before I forget, I got you something.”  
“For me?”  
“Yes, Magnus, for you. It’s supposed to bring you luck and protection...”  
“Really?”  
“No, it’s just a mug”, Alec was laughing now, “but I promised Rafe I would give you one, so we can be mug friends, remember?” And Alec gave Magnus a little carbon box. Magnus reached out for it, brushing his fingers onto Alec’s, making Alec look at Magnus’ eyes immediately. He breathed heavier than necessary. Magnus was smiling fondly. He opened the box to expose a mug of Dora, in all of its glory. Another Dora.

“Oh, right. Dora. You know, you personalize these things, you could have given me something a little more interesting to look at. Like a picture of you, for example. That way, when my tea spills I would have to lick your-“  
“Here he is!”, Rafe screamed to Alec, showing him the cat he was holding.  
Thank God for children sometimes, you know. Alec wished he could say anything about the cat he had given Rafe as a birthday gift, but his head stopped processing information the moment he put Magnus, himself and the act of licking altogether, creating a scenario he quite wished was real right now.  
He swallowed with difficulty.  
“Nice... animal.”  
“His name is Chairman, Alec. Remember?”, Rafe asked a bit confused.  
“Yeah, yeah, sure, sorry, how is he? Is Chairman a good cat?”  
“The best!” and Rafe and Alec talked about the cat while Magnus finished the food.

*

“Dinner is ready, guys, wash your hands and let’s eat.”

Alec and Rafe obey, going to the bathroom. Alec was a bit uncomfortable going in there again, flashbacks of himself on the ground, of Magnus holding him, of the kiss.

“You know, Rafe, I brought the mug I promised your dad. Now he has a Dora mug as well, and we can be mug friends just like we wanted”, Alec said in a way to occupy his mind.  
“That is so cooool, thank you, Alec. Did Dad like it?”  
Alec was thinking again of what Magnus said...  
“Hmmm. I think... yes”, he replied smiling like an idiot.  
Rafe smiled and ran out of the bathroom to talk to his father and see the new mug in the family.

Dinner was quite enjoyable. Rafe was so happy to have someone there he just wouldn’t shut up. Magnus had to ask his son to slow down and eat; otherwise he would choke on the food. Alec thought the whole father-son dynamic was incredible to watch. Magnus had this different approach to his kid, something unfamiliar to Alec, but that he valued deeply. Rafe didn’t know how lucky he was to have Magnus in his life. That thought was replaced by the idea of Alec himself having Magnus in his life. The corner of his mouth was up in a shy smile because of it.

“Alec?”  
“What? Yeah?”  
“Rafe was asking if you would like some tea...”  
“Oh, yes, sounds good. I don’t have any tea left at my place; I need to get more with you tomorrow.”  
“Nonsense, I have plenty here, you can have some and take it with you. I think I’ll help Rafe with his shower for a moment, do you mind taking care of tea for a second? I’ll be right back to help you.”

Alec agreed, and Rafe excused himself to go to his room. Magnus followed him, while Alec went to the kitchen, where he found an electric kettle. He poured water in it and started cleaning the table and handling the dirty dishes. He heard Rafe laughing with Magnus in the bathroom, and he felt good to be there, a part of a happy domestic and cozy reality he never experienced.

A while later, Magnus was back in the kitchen. “I’m about to read him a story; otherwise he won’t sleep. Do you want to join us? It’s our tea time here...”  
Alec agreed, they arranged mugs and tea for the three of them and headed to the boy’s room. Alec was near the door, drinking his tea and watching Magnus do what he did best in life, expressing his love — being caring and affectionate towards his son. Alec felt like he was invading something private, something maybe he wasn’t allowed to witness, but he couldn’t look away. He was so happy.

Magnus was reading Rafe a story, they were laughing, and Rafe was holding his mug, an identical copy now in Magnus’ hands as well.

“Ok, little boy, enough for today, time to sleep”, Magnus said to Rafe, almost falling asleep at this point.  
Magnus took his mug and put it in the table next to the bed, kissed him and told him how much he loved the boy, while they were hugging. But Rafe was... waiting? He was looking at Alec.  
“Alec, won’t you wish me good night, too?”

Oh, right.

Alec walked towards Rafe’s bed, placed his mug own in the near table. Rafe opened his arms to welcome Alec. “Thank you for a wonderful night, Rafe. Have a good night, sleep well.”  
“You too, Alec.”

Rafe let go and was now ready to sleep. Chairman was near the boy, now sleeping behind Rafe’s knees, purring.

“You know, aside from Clary and Ragnor, you’re the first adult who has done that...”  
“Done what?”  
“Helped me put Rafe in bed and all. That was a nightmare before, he hated bedtime. His previous... so-called ‘caregivers’ used to hit him occasionally. It was awful, and he was scared of that prospect for a long time.”  
“Oh. I’m so sorry, Mags.”  
“It’s okay... now. We handle that together, as a family. Anyway, I’m impressed with how much he likes you.”  
“I gotta say I am too. He’s such a good kid. Even after everything he went through.”  
“Sometimes the ones that witness hate the most are the ones with more love to share”, Magnus replied.

They were now in the living room, sitting on the couch, just talking. After the tea, they opened the wine bottle Alec brought for the night. It was another private moment in their evening, but a different one. Alec felt like it was just the two of them in the world. He felt at ease.

“So, you mentioned you had dinner with your parents, how that go?”  
“Oh, was great. Super great, yeah. The meat was good, the secret was honey, according to my mom. Oh, and obviously, there was the moment I came out to her.”  
Magnus almost spilled his wine.  
“You did what? They didn’t know?”

Alec started to explain more about his family background to Magnus since he previously avoided the subject as much as he could. Maybe it was time to try something new, something better like Jace suggested. So he was opening up to Mags. Moving his paw at last.

“Alexander, I’m so sorry it went like this. How are you feeling?”  
“I don’t know. I never meant for it to be like this. But I’m also relieved. I was tired of hiding this. I was never ashamed, it just... felt too much for my mom to handle.”  
“And by taking care of her, you were putting yourself last. That’s no way to live.”  
“Yeah, maybe not...”  
Magnus reached out and held Alec’s hand, giving a light squeeze, just to show sympathy.  
They were looking into each other’s eyes again.

“And how did you tell her, exactly? Was it too harsh?”  
Hmmm. About that...  
“I told her I had a boyfriend.”  
Magnus almost spilled his wine for the second time.  
“Oh. How... interesting.”  
“Yeah.”  
Things were awkward immediately because Alec was stupid enough not to complete the information: ‘You. I was thinking of you, Magnus.’

He was not even looking at Magnus now; he let go of the other man’s hand. Maybe he should go, right?

Before he could move, Magnus just asked:  
“Did you have someone in mind when you told her that?”  
“Yes”, he answered without hesitation.  
“And do you want that situation to be real with that person?”  
“Yes”.

Alec! Stop.

“So why don’t you ask him?”  
“Because it’s complicated.”  
“You know, Alec, there will always be “complicated”. There’s always something in the way. Family. Work. Time. Whatever. There’s always something. The question is, how much you want this. Your own happiness. If you want it, go after that. You might be surprised.”

Alec was silent.

“I think it’s late and I should go. Jace must have broken all the mugs in our stock by now.”  
“Right”. Man, Magnus was not even trying not to look disappointed.

Alec stood up suddenly and was heading to the door. He grabbed his jacket. “It was a lovely night, Magnus. Tell Rafe I had fun tonight.”  
“I will”. Magnus wasn’t able to smile.

Alec just nodded and, without even hugging Magnus or anything, he left.

Why was Magnus even trying? Was Alec really interested? Magnus didn’t know anymore. Was he seeing someone else? Probably not, Alec doesn’t seem to be able to handle that much mess right now.

Magnus just went to his room, and then to his bathroom, to take off his makeup. He had his eyes completely makeup free when he heard a knock on the front door. He wasn’t expecting anyone. Did Alec forget his wallet or something before bursting out like that?

He opened the door and there was Alec.  
“Alex-“  
“I’ve been here, in front of your door since I left, because I’m stupid and insecure and I have a lot of issues, Magnus. I’m not promising you easy and flawless happiness. I have bad days, and I feel like crap and like I’m unable to live and deal with my own life. You’re not the problem, I am. I’m a mess; you have no idea. I can’t breathe or leave my bed for days sometimes. I can’t deal with crowds very well; I hate talking on the phone because I feel pressured and most days I take medicine to face that damn mall because that place is full of people and it’s too much. Sometimes I’m too much, Mags. And I wish I was different and had something better than this to offer but I-  
“Alexander, what are you saying?”  
“Magnus, do you wanna be my boyfriend?”


	5. Life can be good

“Is this real life?”  
“I know. I’m nervous, too.”  
“Alec, your ‘being nervous’ and 'alive’ are like synonyms.”  
“Hey! Respect, please.”  
“Sorry. But you know. You have a boyfriend now. And you’ll introduce him to Iz and Maxie. I’m almost shitting in my pants and-“  
“JACE!”  
Jace was laughing. “What? I’m excited. Can I be excited about my brother? I’m so happy you’re doing this.”  
“Yeah, me too.”  
“And, honestly, who would’ve thought you would get someone like Magnus! You know? I mean, the man is fiiiiiiiiiine...”  
“I know, Jace. I’ve seen him. Thanks.”  
“No, I mean, he’s hot. He makes me question my own sexuality sometimes and-“  
“JACE! I swear. Stop looking at Magnus like that”, he said finally laughing. “Can you stop being so... you for a minute?”  
“Hmmmm... nope. And you know I’m right! Have you already checked his merchandise?”  
Alec was in shock after hearing this, but he got lucky (not that kind of lucky, wink) because they heard a knock on the door. 

Izzy and Maxie were there, to have dinner with their siblings. Alec was so excited about this. But also nervous. In truth, he never told them about Magnus. Or himself. Even knowing that Izzy, like Jace, knew it for a long time, he never said out loud that he is gay. But now he was Magnus’ boyfriend, and he told his boyfriend about this dinner at his and Jace’s place, and his boyfriend asked to join to be introduced. How can he say no to his boyfriend, right?

How many times can he say or think of the word boyfriend, Jeez!

Izzy was gorgeous as always, and Max was walking around the house, talking to Jace about a few movies he saw last week. 

“I’m so glad you two could make it, Iz. I was worried.”  
“I know, Alec. But things are... fine, I think.”  
“How is our mother?”  
“Why?”

The doorbell rang again. 

“Are you waiting for someone else?”, Izzy asked.  
“Actually, yeah. I want you and Max to meet someone... important.”  
She was in disbelief. But she had an idea of who that person might be. 

Alec went to the door and saw a dazzling Magnus. Unlike Jace, Alec wasn’t questioning his sexuality, only getting a strong confirmation of it the moment he saw his beautiful boyfriend standing at his door, a welcoming smile on his face.   
“Hello, Alexander, sorry for being late. Clary wasn’t there on time to watch Rafe, I had to wait for her”, and before Alec could say anything, Magnus kissed him. Izzy was about to faint. 

“OMG, Alec. Since when do you date? And a hot guy? How? Hi, I’m Izzy, nice to meet you.”  
Izzy almost threw herself in the middle of them to introduce herself.   
Let's be honest, she knew about Magnus already. Alec could be silent about it, but Jace wasn’t. He was updating her as much as he could about the situation. Tonight she decided to play it cool – until she saw Magnus for the first time, and DAMN. Again, D.A.M.N. Alec was okay, but how did he get this guy?  
“Hi, dear, very nice to meet you. I’m Magnus, Alec’s boyfriend.”  
“Fancy!”

Jace and Max were there, in the living room, back from Jace’s bedroom.   
“Hi, I’m Magnus, Alec’s boyfriend.”  
“Oh. Really? Cool. I’m Max, his brother. The good looking one.”  
“Hey!”, Jace pretended to be offended. 

Alec was looking at all this like a horror movie’s plot was developing in from of him, because he thought he would end up stabbed or dead by this point. This wasn’t a “big step” for him. This was jumping. Completely. With no parachute. No safety net. Into the void of the unfamiliar. What if his siblings didn’t like Magnus? Or worse, what if they didn’t approve of him and who he was?

But, of course, he was wrong – most of the time, with anxiety, he was just worried about things that usually never happen in real life. His head just liked to play tricks on him. False alarms everywhere. 

“You okay, Alec?”, Jace saw his brother’s expression and decided to check.   
“Yeah, yeah, all good. Thanks.”

Magnus was now talking to Max and showing photos of Rafe. Magnus was good with kids. He was good with everybody. Alec was impressed. Then he looked at Izzy, and they had a “stare conversation”; meaning, they had this massive talk without exchanging a word, just holding each other’s gaze. The conversation went like this:

I: I can’t believe you have a boyfriend and haven’t told me!  
A: I know, Iz, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you.  
I: Wait, have you told mom about it? That’s why she’s cooking like crazy nowadays?  
A: Possibly. Because yeah, I told her. 

Izzy nodded. She looked at Magnus and then back at Alec. Their silent talk continued:  
I: DAAAAAAMN that man.   
A: I know!  
I: How did you manage to get someone like him?  
A: Why is everybody so impressed with that?  
I: No, I’m not. Kidding, I am. Can you handle him? I mean, have you two already...

And Alec looked away.   
“Well, that answers my question”, she said to no one in particular.   
“What question? You were just doing that stupid stare contest with Alec again, like always”, Jace replied.   
“Yeah, Jace, and as always, I won”, she just laughed. 

Dinner was a pleasant family moment. Alec and Jace were way more relaxed without their parents around. They told their siblings about the mug business but, as expected, Magnus was the star of the night. Izzy and Max were behaving like two private investigators bombarding Magnus with questions (Izzy was into ‘Jessica Jones’ now, she was inspired). He was patient and answered them as much as he could, not going into much detail about his personal life – like Camille or his divorce. But he talked about his son a lot. He was a proud Dad after all. 

It was a chilled night. Alec was thankful for his family and for their support, welcoming Magnus like he always belonged there. And welcoming Alec as well. This “new” version of him. Open? Honest? All that. 

He was proud of himself, as he should be. 

For the first time, he thought this could actually work. 

He was hopeful. And not feeling like dying. All good things. 

At the end of the night, Izzy and Maxie went home, after Jace getting them an Uber. Magnus was about to leave too. “I’m sorry I can’t stay longer, Rafe is with Biscuit and-“  
“Who?”, Jace was confused.   
“Clary. I think you met her at Rafe’s birthday party.”  
“Oh, yeah, about that. Can I get her phone number?”  
“Why?”, Magnus asked making Alec laugh.  
“Well, you can choose. You can give me her number... or yours”, Jace said kidding, but Magnus made a disgusted face.   
“Ewwwww. That’s just gross.”  
“Hey! I’m offended”, Jace tried to defend himself.   
“You and I both. Look, I don’t approve this. But I’ll ask her. That’s all I can promise.”  
“Well, I’ll sleep hopefully then! Night, Magnus. I’ll leave you two alone for a minute. Alec, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me”, and Jace went away, leaving Magnus and Alec near the door. 

“I had a fun night.”  
“Yeah, me too, Alexander. Too bad I can’t stay. Maybe next time. But I gotta go, I gotta check on Rafe.”  
“Yeah sure, thanks for coming, Mags.”  
“Thanks for letting me be a part of this, Alexander. You know how much family means to me. I’m glad to feel like I can become part of yours.”

They kissed, and Alec didn’t notice that he was smiling when he closed the door and went to Jace. 

***

Magnus was home later then he expected. Rafe was still up, waiting for him. 

“Biscuit, why is he up?”  
“He said he needed to wait for you and there was NOTHING in this world that would make him sleep before you were here. I tried, I swear.”  
“Yeah, I believe you. Well, thank you anyway, I’ll deal with him now.”  
“Call me if you need anything.”  
“Oh. Hmm, question. Do you remember Alec’s brother-“  
“Yes.”  
“That was fast. So, if he asked me for your phone number, would you permit me to-“  
“Yes.”  
“Jeez, Clary, I thought you had higher standards.”  
“Well, I don’t. Have you seen the guy? Give him my phone number, my home address, make that happen!”  
“I’m slightly disappointed”, Magnus laughed. “Right, I’ll do that tomorrow. Now, off you go. Night, Biscuit.”  
“Night, Mags. Bye, Raaaafe”.  
“Bye, Claaaaaaary...”, the boy replied back, from his room. 

Magnus went there, to see his kid not completely awake, but waiting for him nevertheless.   
“Daddy, you’re back!”  
“Yes, I am, Rafe. How were things with Clary, did you behave?”  
“Yeah, she gave me ice cream.”

Rafe was telling his father about his day, but Magnus knew now he had something also important to talk to the boy. He needed to tell him he was dating Alec. It’s been a week, and Magnus decided to wait before breaking the news. He was so happy that he was together with Alec and they were giving each other a chance, but he was afraid Alec could get scared and give up on the whole thing. He could think it was too much. So Magnus decided to wait, even though he saw Alec almost every day, that the man went to his tea store to pick him up for lunch daily and that they would walk hand in hand as much as they could. Magnus, even not wanting to admit, was skeptical. 

But so far, so good. And tonight Magnus met Alec’s siblings, that was a step in the right direction. Now, he knew, he must let Alec be part of his family as well. a

“So, Rafe, do you remember Alec?”  
“Aham”, the boy replied petting Chairman, lying next to him on the bed.   
“Well, Alec and I are becoming great friends...”  
“Like Paul and I?”  
“I don’t know, how it is your friendship with Paul?”  
“It’s nice. He doesn’t like Dora, but he watches it with me because he knows I like it. Because he’s my friend.”  
Magnus' heart melted a little bit.   
“Well, Paul is really a good friend. Good for you, Rafe. You should appreciate that.”  
“Uhum...”  
“Well, Alec is more than just a good friend to me, Rafe. We are dating now.”  
“You and Alec?”  
“Yes, dear.”  
“Did you two kiss?”  
Magnus had to laugh at that.   
“Yes, Rafe, we did.”  
“Ewwwww, kissing is gross.”  
“Yeah, dear, can you keep thinking like that until you turn 35, please?”  
Rafe looked at his dad making a confused face.   
“Anyway, Rafe, the thing is. Alec will be a lot more around. With us. I want to know if it’s okay with you.”  
“I guess. I like Alec. He likes Dora, too. And he gave me Chairman.”  
“He did.”  
“You should invite him to watch Dora with us.”

Seriously, is Dora a hypnotic show? Magnus was desperate for the "Dora phase" to go away, pleeeease.

“Right, I can do that. Now it’s time to sleep, Mister.”  
“Okay. Dad?”  
“Yes?”  
“If you need help with your makeup to impress Alec, I can help you. All you have to do is ask.”  
Magnus just hugged his kid and kissed his little head full of understanding. He was raising the boy well after all.   
“Thank you, son; I will. I gotta look good, right?”  
“You always do, Daddy.”  
“I love you, Rafe.”  
“Love you too, Dad, good night.”  
“Good night, Son”, Magnus said helping Rafe to get under the covers without disturbing Chairman. 

He went to turn off the lights, giving a final look towards his son. 

Life can be good sometimes, Magnus was more and more sure of that by now.


	6. It’s only slaughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but important chapter. 
> 
> If you can, please listen to "It's Only", by Odesza & Zyra while reading this chapter. 
> 
> ;D

Alec was at Magnus’. The place, full of antiques and toys, could look like a clashing of mess and disorder, uncoordinated things put together – but it wasn’t. Alec was becoming familiar with the red walls and the furry rug and Rafe’s voice echoing through the space. 

He was sitting on the couch of Magnus’ living room, completely relaxed, an unusual feeling. Rafe came running to him and hugged him. 

“Hi, Papa, do you wanna play with me?”  
“What did you call me?”  
“Papa, do you wanna play?”  
Alec was scared now. Since when did Rafe-  
“I’m not your Papa or anything, Rafe, stop that.”

The boy looked at him like Alec just killed Chairman or something. He started crying, releasing himself from the man’s hug.  
“Don’t you love me, Papa?”  
The crying was louder.  
“Stop it. Just stop it.”

Alec stood up, he wanted to leave, something was clearly wrong. But the front door was closed, and he couldn’t open it. He tried and tried, but he seemed to be stuck there. Stuck with... disappointment. Stuck with that pain. 

Magnus was nowhere to be found, only Alec and Rafe. The boy and his endless tears that Alec couldn’t make it stop. He wasn’t even trying to. He was failing. Like he always did. The boy was there to remind him of the constant and permanent failure that Alec was. This little boy, crying in the middle of the living room, because Alec rejected him. Because he wasn’t suited for this, he didn’t fit this life; he knew that. He wished Magnus was there. But he was alone because this was his struggle to face. Alone, as it always seemed.

He was losing. He was desperate. He started slamming the door, screaming for help, for someone to make it stop. 

Nobody came. 

He felt like he was there forever, everlasting suffocation, a perpetual mistake. 

He tried to open the window, but he only saw water outside. Water all around them. A pressure that was starting to hurt. He couldn’t breathe, he was sweating, and that damn cry was deafening and-

Alec woke up from his own screaming. He looked like he bathed in sweat, his pajamas glued to his body, as his hair to his forehead. Jace was there seconds later. 

“Alec, are you okay?”, the worried tone bringing focus to Alec’s mind. 

Of course he was dreaming. A nightmare. Another one. 

He had those occasionally, vivid ones, in different but horrifying scenarios. Most of them ony confirmed his fears – that he was a waste of human being because he couldn’t deal with himself. He hated those. But he couldn’t help it. Usually, he woke up with palpitations, like now, in total desperation, since the dream usually seemed so real. He felt all that. He saw Rafe’s face in front of him, and he started crying, not looking at Jace. 

His brother went to him and hugged him, letting Alec’s sorrows to escape him. They stayed like that for a long time, until Alec was calmer. 

“I’ll bring you tea, okay? I’ll be right back.”  
Alec changed his clothes and went to the bathroom to wash his face. 

He breathed, like Magnus taught him. He put his hand on his chest, remembering the gesture the other man did when he had an episode in front of him. The thought of Magnus made him almost smile for a second. Briefly, then it was gone. 

***

Magnus and Alec were lain on Magnus’ couch, a tangle of indistinct bodies. Rafe was sleeping, and they were just chillin’, listening to some music and having tea. A calm night. They had a lot of those since Mags wanted to be with Rafe as much as possible too. 

Their relationship was going for more than a month now. Alec was so proud; he sincerely thought that was impossible for him. Something he could never have. But there was Magnus, and he was just so happy all the time. And less stressed. 

Alec was almost falling asleep by now.  
“Alexander?”  
“Hum?”  
“How... how it is, for you?”  
“What?”  
“Your... anxiety. How does it work for you?”

Alec felt more awake now. He didn’t like to talk that much about it, although he was trying to be more open to Magnus. Even so, somethings are private. Private on a level that it’s hard even for yourself to look at it. It’s too... painful. Dealing with our flaws and problems can be a challenging thing, a hard exercise to learn and practice. It’s unpleasant - to face our ugliness. 

We like to think of ourselves as beautiful human beings, funny, charming, able to enjoy life and see greatness everywhere. We believe we are soft, cotton, with round edges and nice touches, fluffy souls, cuddly beings, warming smiles, welcoming aromas. 

And we can be. 

But we’re not only that. 

That is half of the story. Sometimes not even that much. 

We can be ugly. Broken. With rough egdes, sharp and unpleasant angles everywhere. We can cut through touch. We can harm. Poison. Sometimes we do that to ourselves. We are lacking. We are evil and mean and bitter and metallic and a crash of awfulness and despair and lamentations and pain and death.  
We rise, and we fall. 

Embracing that, recognizing that, is one of the most challenging things to do as a human being. 

“I don’t know. What do you wanna know?”  
“How do you feel? How do you experience that?”

Alec was quiet for a while. 

“Well, it’s not pleasant. I feel like, like I can’t handle myself. Like I lose control over my body, my mind. Everything. It’s like having this kind of... constant desperation going on inside, and sometimes it emerges. Sometimes it gives me a break. But not entirely, because I know it could come back and wash me away really fast, sometimes over nothing. So I’m always alert. I’m always tired, to be honest. Yeah, I’m always tired. I’m exhausted. Being like this is so exhausting, people have no idea. I get physically tired. I’m fighting against myself all the time.”

Magnus went silent, absorbing everything. 

“You know”, Alec was almost whispering now, like he was telling Magnus something really shameful – which he was. He was ashamed of his truth, “Maybe someday, I really hope that it doesn’t happen, but someday I’ll... I’ll run away from you.”  
“What?”, Magnus sat up now, scared.  
“I just... I know myself too much, Mags. And I don’t wanna sound alarmist or anything, but I just know I will do that. Or at least will try to. This will feel like too much eventually, and I will leave. I’ll get out, while I can.”  
“Can you try to stay?”  
“I will. But I’m just letting you know. And if that day comes, can you promise me something?”  
“Sure, anything.”  
“Can you please not let me do that?”

Magnus smiled and grabbed Alec’s nape, pulling him closer, to kiss him, to seal a vow.

“I’ll do my best.”


	7. To touch you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT ALERT!  
> SMUT ALERT!  
> SMUT ALERT!

“MAGNUS, STOP!”  
“Are you serious? Now?”  
“Now. Or I won’t make it...”  
“Or you will”, and Mags chuckled.

Magnus was about to have a “one on one” with a particular part of Alec’s body that, to be fair, was happily responding to Magnus’ stimulation.  
They were in Alec’s room, making out. Alec wasn’t sure if they were “making out” since neither of them had their shirts on anymore. And Alec’s pants were unzipped And Magnus was on top of him.

Their relationship was great so far, and Alec was feeling very comfortable with the whole thing. They talked to each other every day and saw each other in the mall as much as possible. And they went on dates, which was lovely.

Alec saw Rafe eventually, still a bit preoccupied with the boy, but Magnus reassured him that Rafe was okay with them as a couple. One day Alec was working, selling three mugs (uhuuu) when he heard that familiar and happy voice yell “Aleeeeeeeeeec” still near the mall doors. Rafe came running to him, and he was fast to go into the boy’s direction and grab his little body, swinging the child in the air seconds later. Rafe was laughing loudly, in a way only a kid can do.

Alec was laughing too. Suddenly the boy was hugging Alec, locking himself in the embrace. “Hey, Rafe.”  
Rafe had his eyes closed for a second. “Hey, Alec. Do you wanna have tea with us now?”  
“I’ll have to ask Jace to see if it’s okay to leave him alone.”  
“I’ll ask him”, Rafe said, moving in a way that indicated he wanted to be put on the ground.  
He ran to Jace: “Uncle Jace, can Alec have tea with my Dad and me for just a second, please please please?”  
“Oh, Hi, Rafe. Hmmm. Maybe. What do I win from this?”  
“Dad always says that we should just be happy to help people, not wanting things back.”  
“Really? What a smart-ass is that Dad of yours!”  
“Jace!”, Magnus said laughing. He was close to the kiosk, Alec right next to him. They were holding hands.  
“Okay, go. Fine. I’ll be here, being exploited by capitalism, I guess.”  
“Exactly. I’ll be right back”, Alec said, walking along with Mags, Rafe once again in his arms.

Jace saw them on the escalator, and he had tears in his eyes. For the first time, he saw Alec happy. He glimpsed Alec with this new family, and that made him happy as well.

He glimpsed, finally, the possibility of a future.

*

Magnus and Alec were still in Alec’s room, Alec fixing his clothes.  
“Maybe we should... slow down, Mags.”  
“Alexander, I don’t wanna rush you into anything. I don’t wanna rush you into anything you’re not comfortable with.”  
“I know, I’m sorry. I... I like this, a lot. But maybe we should wait a little bit and-“

A third voice echoed in the air, through the wall:  
“Guys, you can continue. I can’t hear anything.”  
Magnus started laughing. Alec was pale and speechless.

“Thank you for the heads up, Jace!”  
They were now talking through the wall, ‘cause why not.  
“No problem, Mags! “Hey, are you going to drink more of that wine or can I have it?”  
“It’s yours, Jace, enjoy.”  
“Thanks, Mags, you’re the best”, Jace finished, making a sound that indicated that he left his bedroom to go to the kitchen.

Alec was sitting on his bed now, irritated. Magnus was looking at him: “What?”  
“See, we can’t... do it here. Jace won’t give us... privacy.”  
“Alexander, this is not about Jace, is it?”

Deep breaths.

“Maybe.”  
“So, talk to me. Do you want us to wait. We can do that.”  
“Yeah, I just... I want it to be special, and it is important. I mean, I haven’t done it in forever, but I don’t want us to do just because we’re horny, you know?”  
Who wants to do that? Who needs horny? Pfff.  
“Well, then you should stop walking around looking like you.”  
“Me? Why do you have to show up to work wearing all those unbuttoned shirts? Are you allergic to buttons or something?”  
Magnus was laughing; he couldn’t help himself.  
“Well, you could wear something other than those damn grey sweatpants when I’m here to visit you.”  
“And what do you suggest I wear?”  
“Nothing.”

Obviously, they were kissing again, after that response. Magnus’ hand back on... Alec. Wink.  
“Magnus, we can’t. You can’t do this. Jace is in the other room.”  
“So you should be quiet,” Magnus was all flirtation.

Alec was done resisting this.

Magnus was putting his hand under Alec’s boxers. The man moaned at the touch, and Magnus kissed him deeper. He kept kissing Alec while caressing him, to prevent loud moans. Those moans were born on Alec’s throat, floating away to die on Magnus’ lips, on his tongue, on his teeth. Alec laid on the bed, but now Magnus was next to him, kissing his lips... and working on his man’s lower parts. Using only his hand. He stopped for a moment because he needed something to smooth things. He got it in a drawer near them. He continued. Alec was moving his body now, like waves. He grabbed Magnus’ neck, kissing the man like he needed that to survive. He stopped the kisses as soon as he reached his climax all over Magnus’ hand. But Magnus’ mouth was still close enough to welcome his own name escaping from Alec’s lips.

“See”, Magnus said when Alec opened his eyes, still excited. “Harmless fun.”

Alec never said anything. Magnus went out of the room to go to the bathroom and clean himself. He looked around to make sure Jace was back in his room, the door of his room closed – Magnus was still shirtless after all.

When he was back, with a towel for Alec, his boyfriend was putting on a shirt.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Why?”  
“I can still be here for almost half an hour before going back to Rafe. So you better take off that shirt and cuddle me and make good use of my body against yours, am I clear?”  
“100%.”

***

“Hey, dear.”  
Magnus was greeting his boyfriend. It was late, and Alec was exhausted. But he had to stay in “Jace on a cup” all night, since Jace had a date.

With Clary.

“Hey, Mags.”  
They kissed quickly.  
“So, I made you a special blend for your evening tea, to make you feel better and help you relax before bed.”  
Magnus gave him a little bag with a ridiculous amount of tea.  
“Thank you, Mags, that’s so kind of you.  
“Look at you two and all that dirty talk!”, Jace mocked, making a head movement to greet Magnus.  
The store owner laughed.  
“Jace, you can’t handle my dirty talk, sorry.”

The sass.

“I’m sorry, MAGNUS, but I have someone who will be willing to share some dirty talk with me, FYI.”  
“Oh, and who is the poor soul? Lord have mercy on her. Or him... You get me confused sometimes, Jace.”  
“It’s part of my charm”, wink wink, “and tonight the lucky lady is Clary.”  
Magnus’ eyes went wide. “My Clary? Clary as in Biscuit Clary?”  
“Well, I don’t know if she is yours, but sure. The one and only.”  
“Oh God, why did I gave you her number?”  
“Because you’re a smart guy and saw how amazing I-“  
“You won’t survive”, Magnus interrupted and said that in a prophetic tone.  
Jace was about to say something when Magnus continued: “I know Clary far too well to know that she will eat you alive, spit you out and use your heart to clean the floor after you’re gone. You won’t make it.”  
Alec was shocked. Were they talking about the same Clary he knew? That played with Rafe and Chairman? The baby sitter?

Magnus saw their expressions and the silence growing.

“I know what you’re thinking. That she is tiny and cute. Trust me. She is a hurricane, and you don’t stand a chance. It was nice to know you, Jace.”

Alec was about to protest when Jace started grinning like an idiot, in a huge hurry to leave. “OMG, AM I LUCKY OR WHAT? I HOPE SHE KILLS ME!”

“Magnus. Look what you did!”, Alec tried to say that without laughing, which was impossible because his brother was ridiculous.

“Okay, lovebirds, wish me luck. Wish me to wake up crying, half-naked, in the gutter, holding a bottle of scotch.”  
“JESUS, Jace!”  
“I wish that all your dreams come true tonight”, Magnus said very seriously.  
“Thank you, Magnus, you are the best. I have a higher respect for you now.”

Alec rolled his eyes.

Jace went away. Actually, he was running. Maybe his pants were on fire already; Alec wasn’t sure. He turned his attention to Magnus.

“I have to stay here tonight, because of... that”, he was pointing at the door that Jace went through seconds ago.

“It’s quite okay, my dear, I just came to give you the tea. And to ask you something.”  
“Yes?”  
“If I manage to get Rafe to spend the night with his wonderful Uncle Ragnor on the weekend, would you like to spend that time with me?”  
“Oh. Maybe... Maybe... Aham. No. Hmm, perhaps...”  
“Alexander, dear.”  
“Yes?”  
“Do you want time to freak out about this and try to come up with a lame excuse to avoid doing this with me until I persuade you and we ended up doing it anyway?”  
“Hahahaha, yes. Can I just... think about this?”  
“Sure, honey. You let me know, okay?”  
Alec nodded and kissed Magnus.

Going out and showing up to see people weren’t a matter of ‘want’, it was always a matter of ‘can’. Was Alec feeling well enough to go out? That was the right question. Which usually had a ‘no’ as an answer, making it difficult to socialize or to have lots of friends. People don’t get that partying and talking and drinking and exposing yourself isn’t as appealing as it seems at first. To some. To Alec.

So, not only did he had to worry about that, he had to think about the implications that a night with Magnus could bring.

He needed to talk to Jace. He hoped Jace would not wake up tomorrow the way he described earlier...

*

Alec was desperate to talk to Jace next morning.

He got up quickly and went to his brother’s room, knocking on the door.

Nothing.

He knocked again.

Same response.

“Jace, are you up? Can I come in?”

He was sure Jace made a grumpy noise. “I’m coming in.”

The door was unlocked – Jace came back so late Alec was sure he didn’t remember to lock it. He was right.

Jace was seemingly dead in his bed. All covered up with his blanket. Alec thought the scene was odd and decided to force his brother to wake up by pulling out that blanket.  
Bad decision.

Jace complained, but Alec ignored that. Jace was only in his boxers. But his body was full of marks. Purple ones. Hickeys. Everywhere, mapping him. Alec was surprised...

“What the hell happened to you? Did you get attacked by bees or something?”  
“Worse,” he said in a hoarse tone, “Clary”.  
“No way. No way Clary did this to you.”  
“I swear, that woman is a beast and Magnus was right. I won’t make it. I just won’t.”  
“So stop seeing her.”  
“Are you insane???? Look at me! I never felt prouder in my life”. Jace was grinning, awake now, leaving the bed.  
He was going to go to the bathroom when he stopped and look at Alec.  
“Why are you here? You never wake me up.”  
“Oh yeah, sorry, those... things on you are distracting.”  
“They are the proof of a victorious night. Jesus, Alec, that woman is like a demon and when she grabbed my-“  
“I DON’T WANNA KNOW!”  
“Oh, right. So. Why are you here again?”  
“Hmmm, well. Magnus, he... he invited me... to...”  
“See if your engine is working? To see your goods? To see if your wand can-“  
“JACE!... Why do I even bother?”, Alec said leaving his brother’s room. Jace grabbed him by his arm.  
“Sorry, bro. I get carried away. So, Magnus wants to make sweet sweet love to you.”  
Alec had to laugh at his ridiculous brother.  
“Well, he invited me to his house and Rafe won’t be there. I think he’s expecting me to spend the night.”  
“Don’t you wanna? Spend the night?”  
“Yes. But no.”  
“I’m sorry, are all gay men so confusing, or it is just you?”  
“Probably just me”, he said laughing again.  
“I knew it. But really, what’s the matter? Do you think you’ll disappoint him with your performance?”  
“I will murder you and everybody that knows you will be so thankful, honestly.”  
“So tell me what’s the problem. Are you having doubts about being with him?”  
“What? No. No, I mean, so far, I’m doing good, I think. I really like him.”  
Jace made a “well?” face.  
Alec sighed.  
“I want to do this. To perform and all”, both of them laughed a little, “But I’m scared. I mean, this will take things to the next level. And I don’t know. What if I screw this up, like always?”  
“You won’t, Alec. You won’t. I mean, you can. But I don’t think Magnus will let you do that. Oh, but here’s an idea. What if instead of you going there by yourself, I would join you? And Clary? We could have a double date.”  
“Are you serious? I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
“Why not? I’m delightful. And it would be fun. And it would take the pressure off of your shoulders. We could be there and come back home after, what do you say?”  
“Hmmm...”  
“You can come home and wonder about your existence and your almost constant unhappiness. C’mon, it’s an irresistible offer.”  
“Indeed. I hate how well you know me.”  
“So, we have a deal. I’ll text Clary.”

Great.

***

When Magnus opened the door of his house that Saturday night, he went from happy to sad in 0.2 seconds.  
Alec was there. Yay.  
And Jace. No.  
No.  
Noooooooooo.  
Who invited him?  
But Magnus was a gentleman and, most of all, he noticed the discomfort in Alec’s face. He decided to go along and ask about it later.  
“Oh, hello, you two. Welcome! Please come on in.”

Jace was the first, shaking Magnus’ hand. Alec followed him, kissing his boyfriend. “Sorry about this, he just... invited himself to join us.”  
“It’s okay, Alexander. The more, the merrier.”  
“Good to know, because Clary is also coming.”  
“What?”  
“Sorry. Double date, apparently.”  
“Right, right. This will be just the best night ever.”

Clary didn’t take long to join them.  
Alec was a bit in shock. He wasn’t intimate with Clary or anything, but she was a baby sitter, and last time he saw here, she was in a t-shirt, jeans, and a messy bun.  
Not tonight.  
Tonight she looked like she could kill someone just by looking at them. A well-fitted dress was hugging her body perfectly, showing curves Alec was sure wasn’t there before. Her heels were so high Alec could almost see the girl.

Magnus opened the door to her when she arrived. He just gave her a look and whispered when they hugged:  
“He won’t make it like this, you know.”  
“That’s the idea”, she reassured him.  
Magnus just shook his head in amusement.

Alec decided to help Magnus with the food. Jace was trying hard to not look like a creep, but he was mesmerized by Clary. She only let him kiss her on the cheeks.

They all set around the table, the smell of chicken making Alec’s stomach growl.  
“Sorry, I think I’m hungry”.  
Since he didn’t eat much all day, damn right he was hungry.

They were eating, and Alec started drinking the wine Clary brought as soon as he could, a bad idea.

“So, Clary, what are your intentions with my brother?”, Alec asked unceremoniously.  
“The worst possible,” she answered with no hesitation. Jace choked on his food, making Magnus laugh at the situation.  
“Do you plan on breaking his heart?”  
“Not at the moment. But we’ll see how this develops, right?”  
Alec was looking at Magnus, who had a funny expression on his face.

“So... tell me more about yourself. You’re a baby sitter.”  
“Yes. And you sell mugs. Congratulations to us both.”  
This dinner was getting weird. Maybe Alec wasn’t too much in the idea of seeing his brother’s heartbroken. Magnus interfered:  
“Biscuit has been my neighbor for forever. I saw her grow up. I am close to her mother and help them deal with Clary’s father, a... how can I say this?”  
“Abuser? Manipulative bastard? A waste of a human being?”, Clary suggested calmly while eating her peas.  
“Yeah. That. He left after a lot of effort on her mom’s and my part, and we got closer over the years. Clary is like family”, he said squeezing her hand lightly. “And she is Rafe’s sitter more to help me than for any other reason...”  
“I study drama, so... baby sitter is not the end goal here, but how can I resist Rafe, you know?”

Alec and Jace were quiet; they didn’t know any of this. When Jace went out with Clary, they use their mouths for something other than talking. And now even Alec was looking at the girl under a different light.  
It was dessert time, and Magnus brought a homemade carrot cake with chocolate on top. Clary helped him served everyone. Alec was pleased about the chocolate because a respectful dessert must have chocolate involved.

Everyone was eating until Alec looked at Jace’s and saw his brother in distress, his mouth open, his fork full of cake froze in the air. He was going to ask if everything was okay when he heard a low moan and his gaze went to Clary, who was licking the spoon she was using to eat the cake. She closed her eyes savoring the chocolate in a way that, well, made Alec feel sorry for his brother. Magnus, knowing Clary, was biting his lower lip to avoid his laughter.

Clary kept doing that, licking the spoon and making little noises, getting chocolate all over her face.

“Hmmmm, isn’t it delicious, Jace? Don’t you wanna eat only that for the rest of your life?”, she asked trying to clean her face with her tongue.  
“I think we need more wine, I’ll be back”, Jace said in a slightly desperate tone.  
“I’ll help you”, Alec said in a hurry and went after his brother to the kitchen.  
Clary was smiling.

“Jace!”  
“Alec!”  
“Jace!”  
“Alec!!!”  
“Okay, I get it. We know each other’s names. Are you okay?”  
They were in the kitchen, whispering.  
“Magnus was right. I’ll die.”  
Alec was laughing. “Calm down, you’ll be fine.”  
“I need ice, Alec. Help me get it.”  
“Why? To put in the wine?”  
“No, to put inside my pants. I literally need to cool down”. And Alec slapped his brother on the head after that.  
“Jace, get yourself together. She likes spoons, that’s... promising, I guess? But, please, can you behave tonight? I need you to come home with me after this.”  
“I don’t know if that will happen, buddy.”  
“No, Jace, don’t do this to me. You promised to help.”  
“That was before I regretted the decision of bringing Clary along. I think I’m in love, Alec”.  
Another slap.

“Can you stop being absurd for a minute, please? You’re thinking with the wrong head. Help me!”  
“Alec, he’s your boyfriend. You shouldn’t avoid being with him, you know? Stop being you and grab your man, damn it.”  
“Are you two okay?”, Magnus asked from the kitchen door. Both of them look at him immediately, wide eyes.

“Sure”, they said at the same time.  
“Good. And what about that wine?”  
“Right, the wine. Sorry”, Alec replied opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle.

They went back to the living room.  
Half an hour later, Clary decided to live, and Alec’s traitor brother went with her.  
Traitor.

“I hope you can stay a little longer...”, Magnus said.  
“Just a while, I think it won’t hurt...”. That was not Alec talking. It was the wine.  
Magnus opened another bottle of wine, and they kept talking (Alec had more cake) lazily on the couch.  
Alec was dizzy at this point since he wasn’t used to that amount of alcohol. And he was yawning already.

“Do you wanna lay down, Alec?”  
“Five minutes. Just for five minutes and I’m good to go home.”  
“Right.”

Alec was about to lay down on the couch when Magnus forced his boyfriend to rest in the bedroom. Alec passed out as soon as his body hit the mattress.  
Magnus was sad to see how the night, AGAIN, turned out different from what he expected, but suddenly he realized Alec was in his bed, sleeping, like it wasn’t a big deal, and he had to smile at that.  
He undressed Alec and placed a glass of water and painkillers on the nightstand, in case he needed during the night. He covered the man with a fluffy blanket and went to the bathroom to take off his makeup and brush his teeth. He put on a comfortable pair of pajama pants and went to bed, sleeping next to Alec.

***

Everything hurt and spun.  
There was an awful taste in his mouth.  
His head was unbearable.  
He was... next to Magnus.  
Sleeping Magnus. Really-good-looking-even-sleeping Magnus.  
That was just offensive.

He didn’t know how he ended up in that bed. With Mags. He just remembered the wine. Lots of wine. And talking. And feeling happy and warm.  
And dizzy.

Magnus had his arm around Alec’s waist. He disentangled himself and grabbed the painkillers that were thankfully waiting for him. Water. He felt a bit better already. He got up slowly, went to the bathroom and, once in the bedroom again, picked up his clothes, folded carefully on top of a chair. He put his shoes, closed the bedroom’s door and silently walked out of Magnus’ house.

*

Magnus woke up later than usual that Sunday morning. He was eager to see Alec in the morning laying next to him, but the bed was empty. Man, he needed to be patient or what?

At least they slept together. Literally. But it was a good start, no? It was something.

Magnus was about to stay in bed when he reached out for his cell phone and saw the time. Ragnor must have brought Rafe back by now. Crap, he was late.  
Worst dad award, here we go.

When he opened the door of his room, the smell of food hit his nose and he made a questioning face. He went to the living room to find the most shocking scene ever: Alec was there. Watching Tv. With Rafe.

They were watching Dora. Rafe was having tea, apparently the same as Alec, and they were eating bagels and toast with jam.

“I don’t get this, Rafe. Who pays for Dora’s travels? Because that can cost a lot of money, you know. A trip to South America isn’t cheap.”  
Rafe was laughing so much.  
“I don’t know, Alec. I’ll ask Dad when he wakes up. He’ll know.”  
Now it was Alec’s turn to laugh.  
“Good idea. Your Dad is a smart person. He must know all about Dora.”  
“Yeah. Too bad you didn’t bring your mug today.”  
“I know, buddy, next time I will, I promise.”  
“Good. I don’t think Dad will be mad that you’re using his.”  
“I don’t think that either.”

Magnus heard right: “next time”.

Magnus was watching the scene before him in astonishment.

He was sure Alec was gone – and for a moment, he thought it was for good. The fact that the man was still there, in his house, was a miracle enough already.

But things went better than expected. Alec was with Rafe like it was the most natural thing in the world. Magnus’ heart was about to burst.

To be honest, it was tough to be a single parent, not only because of the juggling involved in raising a kid by yourself but also because you have to be extra protective about who you let it in. You have to be careful about letting anyone in at all.  
It was a difficult task since Magnus was single, but he wasn’t alone, free or independent. He had his son to look after. He was a package – a father and a 5-year-old. A smart, caring, funny, loving kid, but still. That was too much to ask of anyone.

That’s why dating was almost an “impossible mission”. After his divorce, Magnus felt hopeful about one woman, once. But she avoided Rafe like he was a disease. She wanted only Magnus, and, let’s be real, it was impossible. Once Magnus realized the lady wasn’t happy about his a fatherly status, he ended things. Rafe never knew his dad dated the woman for a brief period. It wasn’t worth it.

The situation was tough because he could deal with the deception of a love disillusion, but what about Rafe? What if the boy liked the person Magnus was with and suddenly that person walked away?

And how would that affect a boy that knew pain already, and knew it could come from the ones he was supposed to trust the most? Magnus couldn’t take any changes about that.

But the first interaction that Alec had with Rafe was already a complete and unexpected success. He was kind, caring, sweet. He comforted Rafe and made the boy feel okay, safe. Isn’t that the dream?

The interactions kept getting better. Alec was never disrespectful; he never lost his temper with Rafe. He always listened. He paid attention. He was treating Rafe not as a “dumb kid”, as most people do, but as a person. A person that deserved to be taken into consideration. And Rafe responded so well. He wasn’t the most outgoing kid ever, but somehow Alec and Rafe connected and found a comfortable common ground.

They liked each other.

Magnus was wondering if that behavior was the first thing that drew him to Alec. Well, the guy was gorgeous, so maybe it was a tie?

*

Magnus was now realizing that maybe he was developing stronger feelings towards his boyfriend.

Sure, they weren’t together for that long, but they got close pretty fast. The fact that Alec was making an effort to be in this relationship was remarkable. Some people might think that was horrible that the person had to “make an effort” to be with you, but Magnus knew now how unfair that statement was and how Alec’s situation wasn’t something to be taken carelessly. It was serious, and he knew Alec navigated through waters in his own way, sometimes sailing, sometimes drowning.

And he knew Alec liked him. He wasn’t a person that verbalized such things a lot, but he would show him. He showed his affection through actions. Helping Magnus with the dishes to allow his boyfriend to be with his kid at bedtime; complementing him not only for looking good but for being such a good dad, something Alec admired about Magnus to no end. How he brushed his thumb against Magnus’ cheek after they kiss. How they walked holding hands whenever they were out, even with people staring at them in an unfriendly way.

When Alec had good days, he was more adventurous and brave than he could have ever seemed at first.

Above all, Magnus could see that even with dealing with all the difficulties in the world, Alec wanted this. Alec wanted to be with him. He was trying and committed in his particular way. It was a way Magnus sometimes had to learn how to read, how to decipher. But he was willing to do so.

Because for the first time in a long time he considered he had someone by his side that was worth it. He fondly reminded of his mom. Magnus’ mom was someone tiny, but with all the knowledge in the world inside of her. And she always told him: “Maggie, dear, remember, always. If there’s one lesson I want you to take with you is that people treat us the way we let them treat us. So never settle for less. Go for that person who will treat you the best.”

How the hell he ended up marrying Camille was a mystery sometimes, although he knew pretty well why that happened. In a way, he was glad his mom was dead. She wouldn’t have to see that mistake unfold in front of her. She would be infuriated. He could hear her clearly: “Magnus! Was that what I have taught you? Why did I waste all that saliva on you, kid?” and she would probably hit him with her walking stick.

Oh, the happy memories.

Magnus’ thoughts were far away, but his attention was brought back to reality by Rafe’s laughter. There’s a reason not to be happy about his mom’s death. She never met Rafe.

The idea once again made him sad, so he decided to join Alec and Rafe in the living room.

He went closer to them. “Good morning, you two!”  
“Daaaaad, you’re up. Good morning!” Rafe said leaving Alec’s embrace on the couch to go to his father’s arms.  
“Hey, son, how was your night?”  
“Super fun! We watched cartoons and had pizza.”  
“Pizza is always good!”  
“Aham. Do you want tea, Dad? Alec made us breakfast.”  
“Oh, really?” Magnus said looking at Alec, that was blushing now, staring at Magnus back.  
“Uncle Rag and I were getting home when we saw Alec coming here too. He said he came here to make us breakfast and he had bagels. So I said he could come in.”  
“Wow, Rafe, you let anyone in for bagels?”  
“But Alec is my mug friend. He can come in, can’t he?”  
“Yeah, can’t I? I brought bagels for this family, C'mon,” Alec said with a fake irritated tone.  
“Okaaay, I guess. You did good, Rafe. Now, where are those bagels I hear so much about?”  
“Here, I’ll show you. Rafe, you can finish your tea,” Alec said while leaving the couch.

“Hey,” Magnus said when Alec came closer. They kissed.  
“Hey yourself,” Alec replied.  
“So... you didn’t leave me after all.”  
“Nope, instead I was trying to feed you. To thank you for taking care of me last night. You didn’t have to.”  
“Of course I did, are you kidding? In this house we take care about the ones we...”, and Magnus stopped, looking at Alec, “date”.

Oh. That almost took a wrong direction.

“I hope that doesn’t happen often,” Alec said playfully.  
“Actually we’re starting this now, so... you’re the first.”  
“Good to know. Come, have breakfast with us.” Alec invited Magnus like having that scenario was the most natural thing ever.

“Oh, I’m using your Dora mug. You’re gonna have to use an ugly, regular and boring one, sorry.”  
“Someone’s protective about their product.”  
“Always”, Alec laughed. He gave Magnus tea in a golden mug he found in the kitchen cabinet and two bagels. A kiss followed that.  
“Alec, come here to see this. Dora is about to do something you won’t belieeeeve,” Rafe warned him.  
“I doubt that,” he whispered to Magnus and went to the couch, to sit next to Rafe again. The boy got cozy, and Alec put an arm around him.

Magnus thought that could be one of those moments that could have brought tears to his eyes.

Instead, he joined them on the couch, Dora being adventurous on the screen in front of them.

***

It was a Thursday night. Alec was tired as hell after work, and it was pretty late, but Jace needed help, so there he was, in Jace’s room.

To help.

With fashion advice.

“Why can’t you help me? I thought you were supposed to be good at this.”  
“Yeah, right, Jace, because I’m the gay cliché. I’m also good at interior design; I never told you that?”  
“I don’t need that attitude, you know? I’m nervous already.”  
“Sorry, the gay in me keeps manifesting. It’s so difficult to hold him back.”

Alec was laughing a bit. His face was hit by a shirt just seconds later.

“Damn it, Alec. What is Magnus doing to you?”  
“Well...”  
“I don’t wanna know. That was rhetorical.”  
“Okay, Jace, before I die of boredom. What are your options?”

And Jace showed him two shirts: one red, one maroon? How was he supposed to choose from that?

“Jace, they are exactly the same.”  
“They’re not. Alec, pay attention, they are completely different. It’s too late to call Izzy; you’re my last resort.”  
“Why are you trying so hard to impress Clary? I thought you two were just having fun.”  
“We are. I just want this fun time never to end.”

Wow.

“Are you serious? You were telling me yesterday that she almost chewed... you... off... By the way, don’t ever talk about that with me at work. Or any other place, for that matter.”  
“Look, not my fault that those 10-year-old siblings were at our kiosk at the exact moment we were talking, and I was so descriptive.”  
“Right.”

The embarrassment was so real.

“Point is. She seems nice, and cute, and possessed by a demon, that’s a winning combo! How can I resist?”  
“Yeah... How?”, Alec said ironically. “And how do you know if she’s nice? You’re only telling me you had sex with her. Did you ever talk?”  
“Talk? Well, we say stuff”, and Jace laughed in a way that made Alec disgusted.  
“But do you have a conversation? A dialogue?”  
“Kinda.”  
“About?”  
“Our place or hers.”  
“Jace. Before giving your... self to her, you should think about talking to her and getting to know her. See if she can say something interesting.”  
“But her mouth does so many interesting things already!”  
“I’m gonna punch you.”  
“So, help me pick a shirt. Which one?”  
“Okay, do either of them have holes?”  
“What? No, of course not.”  
“Damn it. That was all the criteria I had, sorry.”  
“You know what, I think I can do this by myself, thank you.”  
“No, Jace, really, thank you. I need to sleep. Have a good night.”  
“I will, I’m sure of it.”

Alec went to bed, thinking about Jace. Not about Jace, but about how he wanted to have that “quality time” with his boyfriend, as Jace was having with Clary. He was in bed, thinking of Mags.

And without realizing, he was picturing... them together, almost like Magnus was there. He was seeing... their skin touching, legs intertwined, mouths exploring, hands gliding and grabbing, the hips... would they work in harmony or would it be messy? How would it be to taste the salt on Magnus’ skin? Would Magnus be into some dirty talk? How would Alec behave once he felt Magnus’ naked weight on top of him? How would the man breathe once he was undone? Would the smell around them be intoxicating as well?

Alec didn’t know when he started touching himself, but now he needed to get himself clean. He also needed to do something about that with Magnus, ASAP.

***

Magnus managed to get Rafe to spend the night at Paul’s again. Luckily for him, Paul’s mom was a lovely woman, and the boys were best friends (Rafe asked if Alec could give Paul a mug too, the theme yet to be decided), so it was not a problem to ask for this. She gladly said yes.

Tonight he invited Alec again to have dinner and watch a movie. They’d been together for over two months now. If you ask Magnus if he was okay with just that, he would say yes. But, being honest, he was ready for more. He was tired of releasing his desires and needs in the shower, thinking of Alec.

He hoped Alec would be ready too.

Tonight he decided to order a pizza, he was lazy, sue him. Alec would bring the wine, and hopefully, only that.

Magnus didn’t want to cause pressure, but he spent a bit more time doing his makeup and choosing the right pants for this occasion. Just in case, he decided golden sheets for his bed. Candles were everywhere (Chairman wasn’t very smart and tried to smell the flames, melting half of his whiskers in the process. He was now hiding in Rafe’s room, under his covers).

He heard the door and went (almost ran) to get it. Alec did not disappoint. He was wearing a suit with a maroon buttoned up shirt (yes, he got inspired by Jace’s choice from the other night). That was impressive. Maybe he was willing to make some effort as well.

“Hey, Alexander, I’m so glad you’re here.”  
Alec smiled and stepped forward, kissing his man. “I’m glad to be here. You look stunning.”  
“Oh, this old thing?”, Magnus said waving at his clothes. Alec kissed him again.  
Magnus let the man in. The pizza was there a few minutes later. Alec poured them the white wine he brought (he wasn’t much of a drinker, it didn’t help his situation usually, but he could handle one glass here and there, right?).

They talked about their day and ate on the couch, no formalities. Magnus chose a movie, and they tried to watch it after eating. But Magnus seemed to be distracted. Looking at Alec. Staring. Not even trying to hide it.

“We’re supposed to be watching this.”  
“I am watching!”  
“Tell me what’s happening in the story?”  
“There’s a bunch of people... talking and walking around.”  
“Mags! Now there’s literally no one on screen. It’s just landscapes and silence.”  
“What a boring movie.”  
“You chose this!”  
“I know, but I have something better to watch now, sorry. And to do”, Magnus replied, immediately reaching out to Alec to kiss him. He responded. Eagerly.

Alec knew what was happening tonight. And man, he wanted it. He needed it. He was dating this freaking gorgeous man, who wanted him back. Why can’t he enjoy this, right? So he made the decision. TONIGHT!

They were kissing, and Magnus laid Alec on the couch. They were making out, tongues colliding, body parts acknowledging each other...

“Why do you have all these clothes?”, Magnus managed to say between kisses.  
“I tried to look nice for you.”  
“I bet you look better naked”, he replied, standing up from the couch. Alec did the same. “Come”, he said offering his hand to Alec, who look at him suspiciously. “I need to see if my theory is correct”, Magnus said, looking like he was about to eat Alec.

Which he was.

Alec was now laying on Magnus’ bed, in his room, Magnus on top of him, kissing his neck, but he was nervous. Excited, but nervous. He wanted this to be good, to be right, to be amazing. And he was just so good dealing with pressure, you know?

Magnus noticed.  
He got close to the man’s ear and whispered: “Alexander, close your eyes, okay? Can you do that for me?”.  
Alec took a deep breath and did as Magnus asked.  
“Now, you will focus only on my voice, alright? You have nothing to worry about, listen to me and focus on the things I will ask you, okay?”  
“Uhum”.  
“I will kiss your neck now, and you will tell me if you like that”.  
“Uhum”.

So Magnus did. He started kissing Alec’s neck gently, changing to a few bites and licks. He went to Alec’s earlobe and suck it a bit as well. The sensation of Magnus’ tongue against his skin was great, but he was still stiff on the bed.  
Magnus started to kiss him more, with Alec giving him more space to work. He suddenly went back to Alec’s lips, making Alec open his eyes. He smiled looking at Magnus.  
“Eyes closed, please”.  
Alec nodded. He obeyed.  
Magnus bent and kissed him, Alec letting his tongue in again. It was a funny feeling. He could feel the battle unfolding inside himself. He wanted to give in, to enjoy this, but it was still a bit difficult, because of the worries in his head screaming at him. He was trying to get lost in the sensation of being with Magnus. Of tasting him. Alec was not touching Magnus at all, his hands almost glued to his sides. He was about to place one of them on Magnus’ nape, when the man stopped the kiss and lifted a bit from Alec, now caressing Alec’s chest and abs over his shirt. They were still dressed. Magnus was now kissing the other mans upper body, and even though the fabric of Alec’s clothes was between them, Alec started to shiver a bit. Magnus was glad about the result.  
“Do you like this?”, Magnus asked.  
Alec was able to say a simple “Yes”.

Magnus was even lower. He lifted the hem of Alec’s shirt, just a little bit, to see his hip bones and kiss there. Alec gasped at that. Magnus’ mouth was so hot, so warm, so willing to... investigate him. To bring him along in this experience. He could feel that Magnus was invested in making him enjoy this. That touched him. And, quite literally, because Magnus was licking his hip bones and his belly, really close to his lower parts.  
Breathe, Alec, breathe, it’s okay. You can enjoy this, right? You can handle th-  
He stopped thinking. Magnus was now rubbing himself against Alec. Ohhhhhhhh.

Why were they still dressed?

“Do you like this, Alexander?”  
They were still in their pants, but the joy and the anticipation of all this were now clear and evident for both of them. Alec was grabbing the sheets beneath him now. He was moaning softly, little whispers escaping his mouth unwantedly.  
“Mags, I...”  
“Yes?”  
And he finally gave in.  
“I need... I want... off.”

Magnus was smiling, especially because it was a hard situation for him as well (no puns here).  
“As you wish. Can I take this off?”, he asked shaking Alec’s belt to show the other man what he meant.  
“Please”.  
So Magnus did. He took off Alec’s pants and his own. He didn’t know how comfortable Alec was with everything, so he maintained their boxers. Magnus was back laying on top of Alec, making him moan again. They were kissing, and Alec finally reached out and kissed Magnus, pulling him closer with his hands, now placed on Magnus’ neck and cheeks. The kiss was intense, and Magnus finally felt like Alec was there with him.  
Alec was tired of resisting. So, for now, he decided to have a little happiness and contentment. To be with Magnus.

His senses were overloaded, but unlike usual, it wasn’t because of the sensation of his incapacity to deal with life and with himself. Magnus was there, in his mind, filling all the spaces that previously only had doubts and questions with a soothing sensation, a warm feeling. It was like he was breathing freely. Finally. He was full of the purest air.

While they were kissing, Alec started to try to take Magnus’ shirt off. He was shaking a bit, so Magnus helped him, sitting on top of Alec, revealing his gorgeous skin. Alec left his hand in the air, unsure if he could touch him. Magnus placed that hand on top of his own chest.  
“You can feel me, Alexander, it’s okay”.  
Another nod.  
Alec felt Magnus’ skin against his own and it was all too much again. He was exploring the other man as well, both hands now, leading to Magnus to close his eyes this time. Alec smiled at that.  
“You’re so beautiful”, Alec said.  
Magnus opened his eyes and stared at Alec now. He was looking at Alec in the most tender way possible. Taking that as encouragement, Alec started unbuttoning his own shirt, revealing himself as well. Alec didn’t have time to be unsure about it; Magnus just looked at it and went back to kissing Alec on the mouth. There was a desire now that wasn’t there before; a lust, a need. They were devouring each other, savoring, their bodies touching everywhere, no space between them. Their breaths heavy, difficult. The craving completely real.

When Magnus took off his own boxers, Alec couldn’t stop himself.  
“Oh, shit”.  
Before he could panic, Magnus put his hand on the other man’s chest.  
“Alexander, are you still with me?”.  
Nod.  
That was really happening. And he wanted it to happen. Fuck. Literally!  
“Can I take off yours now?”  
“Pleeease”.  
The fact that Alec was still alive and responding in any way was a victory in and of itself. Magnus understood that; he didn’t pressure Alec. He didn’t pressure Alec when they stayed a bit longer just kissing and making out and rubbing and licking. Alec was a mess already, but so was he. He waited until Alec was ready to go further. When Alec was on edge, Magnus asked if he was okay with this and how he would like to do it.  
“Do you want me to fuck you?”, he whispered in Alec’s ear, making the man react immediately, a deep moan escaping him.  
Oh, damn it. If people think asking for consenting is a mood killer, seriously, they are doing this all wrong. How can something be sexier than this?  
“Yes. Now.”

Alec was so turned on; he seemed like a different person. He kissed Magnus deeply like he wanted to print Magnus on himself.  
After all that encouragement, Magnus did as Alec asked, always gentle and taking his time. This was about pleasure after all. About feeling good.

But it was also about being vulnerable, and open and letting all your fears be on display as well. And this could describe them both. Magnus hadn’t been with anyone in such a long time; he was all about his son and his store and about helping others. But Alec was there because he wanted to do this with Magnus. Because of Magnus. It is something to cherish and to feel special about. He needed that night as much as Alec did. He knew that.

Magnus was slow and thoughtful, and then a bit rough when Alec asked him to be. Little moans were echoing in the air, their breaths now in one rhythm. Alec tried to keep his eyes open the whole time, to see that gorgeous man and admire him. Magnus didn’t take long to come. Alec enjoyed the feeling. And the sight. Magnus was entirely his at that moment. They were sharing something full of lust, but also unique, delicate and tender.

Magnus maintained one of his hands on top of Alec’s chest the whole time. Alec put his hand on top of Magnus’.

Alec was on edge, but he didn’t come immediately; Magnus was glad to help with that.  
“Do you want me to touch you?”.  
“Yes”.

They were kissing again, and Alec felt like Magnus was everywhere, his hand at the right place, giving the right pressure, making him lose it again. He closed his eyes for a bit and remembered the scene he witnessed just a few minutes ago: Magnus completely surrendered to him. He came too, loudly, overwhelmed and free. Magnus was happy and kissed him on his forehead before heading to the bathroom to get something to clean them up.

When he was back, Alec was a bit emotional. It may sound ridiculous, but all that was so difficult for him. And he felt so accepted. He didn’t feel like there was something wrong with him. He felt embraced and welcomed.  
“Are you okay?”, Magnus said looking at him with a funny look on his face.  
“Yeah, I just... hmmm, thank you.”  
“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever got a thank you for having sex with someone before”, he said laughing.  
Alec was a bit embarrassed. “I’m sorry, was that weird? It’s just that... it was... different. I... really liked it.”  
“In that case, thank you to you, too, I liked it as well”.  
They kissed again, and Magnus offered Alec his bathroom to take a shower. He did, followed by Mags.  
“So, hmmm, do you mind sleeping here tonight?”  
Alec was hesitant, but he was so damn tired, and – to be honest, he did want to stay. Instead of answering his boyfriend, he just went under the sheets. Magnus was smiling. He laid next to Alec, grabbed a blanket and threw on top of them, to keep them warm.  
They were staring at each other and fell asleep soon after.  
They ended up holding each other until the morning.

***

There was a mall-wide sale in process, which meant one thing; havoc. Crazy times, lots of people, kids screaming and running around. All that Alec needed now. Because all that made him feel so comfortable. Right. He needed to take some extra meds to function. Crowds were not his thing.

He needed to see Magnus. But even “Jace on a cup” was on fire that day (not literally, thankfully), selling mugs like water. Alec hadn’t had lunch that day, nor had Jace. It was all chaos.

But to be honest, he wasn’t as worried as he thought, because the image of Magnus was still so fresh in his head.

It was Monday, and he had spent Sunday morning with Mags. He had woken up and gone to the bathroom inside Magnus’ suite. He heard the bell and Magnus wasn’t near waking up. So he got decent and went to the door.

Rafe. Oh, he forgot. He forgot about the boy.

“Alec, you’re here! Did you get us bagels?”  
“Morning, Rafe, come on in...”

Alec talked a bit with Paul’s mom, who was there to drop Rafe off. They were there early because Rafe wanted to have breakfast with his Dad. And now, Alec. She was gone after a little small talk, and it was only Rafe and Alec.

Should Alec tell Rafe what was he doing there so early? Maybe not, he could leave that to Magnus, right? Yeah. So, instead of an awkward conversation, he just said: “let's get us some bagels, are you in?”  
“I’m in!”

So they did just like last time: tea, bagels, Dora. Magnus was there later.

Alec stayed for lunch too, Ragnor also making a last minute appearance to join them and get some free food. After that, Alec went home, to get ready for work. He was feeling reinvigorated.

At night, Magnus decided to talk to Rafe, after Alec sent him a few worried messages. During their tea time, Magnus addressed the situation the best he could:  
“So, Rafe, did you noticed Alec was here when you got home, right?”  
“Aham.”  
“And do you know why was he here?”  
“Hmmm... Breakfast?”  
“I think that too. But Alec is Dad’s boyfriend...”  
“Oh. He was here to kiss you, ewwww.”

That was one way to describe it.

“Yes. He is my boyfriend, and we kiss (that wasn’t a lie!). And, from now on, I think he will be here, with us, more. Maybe he’ll spend the night at our house.”  
“Like I do with Paul.”

Magnus was hoping that NOT REALLY like Rafe and Paul.

“Yeah, kind of. Which means sometimes he’ll be here a lot. Are you okay with that?”  
“I guess so. You seem happy, Daddy.”  
“I think I am, Rafe. Well, will you tell me if anything gets you uncomfortable or upset?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good boy. Okay, time to sleep.”

Magnus was one happy man indeed.

***

It was another Sunday and Alec was at the Banes once again, as he was every Sunday now. It could be said that they had a routine at this point. Sometimes Alec would go with Magnus to his home after their shift at the mall on Saturday nights. Alec would do something child-friendly with Rafe and something not so child-friendly with Mags, once Rafe was sleeping. In the morning he usually woke up first to get bagels and prepare their breakfast. Magnus wasn’t a morning person.

Other times, when Alec felt like Magnus and Rafe needed father-son time or when he missed spending time with Jace (which he regretted in 5 minutes, since Jace only talked about Clary now and how she was draining the life out of him), he would go home. But Sunday mornings were sacred, and he would be at Magnus’ home, with bagels, tea, Rafe and Dora.

He was a bit tired of Dora, but Rafe wasn’t. Never. It was a miracle.

They waited for Magnus to be up to join them.

That morning, the sun was shining, and Rafe asked to go to the playground near his house.

“Hmmm, I think it’s okay, but you gotta convince your Dad, can you do that?”  
“I got this.”

Rafe sometimes was a mini Magnus.

The boy ran to his dad’s room, Chairman right next to him. Magnus was not sleeping; he was knocked-out, to be honest. Rafe didn’t think twice. He saw his dad and climbed up the bed, literally jumping on Magnus’ stomach, making the man to lose his breath immediately. He felt like dying and woke up instantly, trying to scream.

“Rafe, are you trying to kill me?”  
“Sorry, Dad, I thought you were awake”, he said with the most innocent smile he could provide.   
Magnus wasn’t having it. “Son, I need my sleep, dad is tired. Come back later, like... tomorrow.”  
And he turned around to go back to sleep.

“No, Dad, Alec and I want to go to the playground. Come with us.”

Really? Are you serious? How about ‘no, thanks’? What happened to Dora, is she dead or something?

“Give Dad a few minutes, I’ll be right there.”

A few minutes turned into half an hour, but grumpy Magnus was among them.

“Here, I made you tea. You can take it with you”, Alec gave him the cup while kissing Magnus in the cheek. Maybe Magnus was 5% better now.

The trio headed to the playground. Since Magnus was in no condition to act like a parent (or a human being, he was so tired, Alec was more and more adventurous and confident with Mags and, boy, they were enjoying their “quality time together”), Alec was there with Rafe. The boy seated on the swing, Alec pushing him, making the boy scream.

Magnus was looking on quietly like he was witnessing a parallel universe unfold in front of him or something. Alec was having fun with Rafe; they were... happy together.

He grabbed his cell phone, which until then had sat inside the pocket of his pants, and took a few pictures of them. Rafe noticed that and asked Alec to stop pushing him so he could go to his Dad.

“Did you take pictures, Dad? Can we draw-“  
“Yes, Rafe, I can put Dora in here later.”  
“Yay!”

Jeez, that kid.

“We should have a picture of the three of us!”, Rafe was excited. Magnus and Alec just exchanged a look. “I don’t think we have one. Alec missed the photos at my party, remember, Dad?”

Magnus was looking at Alec, trying to ask if it was okay to take that photo. It would be another step in the direction of them as something... concrete.

“Yeah, one photo. Come here”, Alec said it. Yes, Alec said that, sitting next to Magnus and holding the boy in his arms. Magnus was quiet again. He just raised his phone in front of them and took a few pictures.

They looked at them together, and suddenly Rafe said “This one”, pointing to a photo where Alec and himself were looking straight to the camera, smiling bright, and Magnus was looking at them, a proud expression on his face.

“That one it is”, Magnus acknowledge, deleting the rest of them. 


	8. Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a special chapter. It was written by Becca and I and it is our attempt to show you all how anxiety is and how affects us. 
> 
> This is very important to us and it was our way to bring a bit of awareness to a difficult situation we are so familiar with. 
> 
> I hope you like it. ;D

If Alec could describe how anxiety affected him, he would say that he saw everything... Orange. Or at least that’s how he felt inside. Everything was fluctuating between orange and yellow. Yellow for worrying, but still good days. When he was having what he now called “an episode”, it was all red. It was red and hot, although he would be dead cold if you touched him in those moments. But he always felt hot, bubbling, boiling. There were too many things happening at once inside of him, making it harder to focus, to make decisions, to breathe even. 

And there are, on some occasions, periods when things were green, or, at their best, blue. Alec was calm (as much as he could be) and he could enjoy himself and others. 

People think being nervous and being anxious (in dealing with anxiety) are the same thing. 

They’re not. 

Being nervous is something that all of us experience at some point. Sometimes it has to do with a lot of firsts: the first ‘I love you’ you’ve ever said to someone, the first day at your new job, the first night at your new house, facing the adult world. Other times, it has to do with lasts: the last conversation to end things, the last day living with mom and dad, the last time you let someone treat you unfairly or unkindly. Finally, there are all those moments in between: a lecture you have to give, that third date you hope still goes well. All those situations have one thing in common: you can identify the source of your distress. And after that source is gone, you feel better; you calm down. 

That doesn’t happen when you deal with anxiety. 

In that case, anything can trigger you. Sometimes you’re feeling okay, and right before bed, even being so tired, you can’t sleep. Because thoughts are there; clouding everything, showing you the worst scenarios possible, showing you how unable you are. Alec always felt like that: unable. 

Unable to breathe.   
Unable to think. 

It was the little things that caused the most damage. The inability to form words and collate sentences, to take steps - the literal and the metaphorical. Even merely, to understand why. Why? Why was there a trigger, and more importantly, what was it? Because that’s the issue; the source. Lack thereof. 

The anxiety could come over at what seems like silliest of situations to other people: getting into that crowded bus — asking for information. Leaving your room. (Working in a mall was a nightmare Alec couldn’t even begin to describe.)

It was as if there was a wave, caught behind the edges of all the orange, waiting to wash over you at a moment’s flash of red. Was it a flood? Icy and chilling, causing your blood to thin and your brain to stall. A drowning. Maybe it was fire, lapping its way from its unknown accelerant. Its source unidentifiable but so clearly evident, as the wall of fire fell upon you. Meeting you with anguish so violent, it shocked your senses. The thin, boiling blood. The sensitive nerves. The sensory overload. The lack of brain function. The shock, in all manners. Whatever it was, and whyever it was, one thing was certain; it was suffocating. 

Alec was always impressed with the ability many people had just to live. To get up in the morning and deal with life. It wasn’t as much about facing adversities, it was about the simple fact that they were up, they put on their clothes, and they were ready to “go get it” because those activities weren’t the real problem or obstacle to deal with. People questioned themselves, but not to the extent that makes them paralyzed. The simple idea of doing something - significant or not - didn’t steal air from their lungs, giving them the notion they were drowning inside themselves. It did with Alec. 

People wonder what it’s like to live with anxiety. Plainly, it is exhausting. That’s what is never adequately acknowledged. It is so exhausting. Physically. Mentally. It is living in a constant state of exhaustion, knowing something isn’t quite right. Something within you feels wrong. You are NOT broken, but you never feel entirely right. 

You see, the human body is incredible; identifying situations and initiating the fight or flight response – inducing fear and adrenaline. A chemical imbalance causing a behavioral shift, for one reason: survival.

In those of us experiencing anxiety, this function is not absolute. We experience triggers which falsely activate these responses. The fear, the adrenaline rush. While it’s nice to know your body has your back (literally), trying to protect you from your surroundings, trying to allow survival, this continuous influx of panic is unnerving and often unnecessary. 

That’s anxiety.

And then the symptoms occur. The actual physical stress acting upon you as your body initiates “fight or flight” mode can wreck your body. You aren’t superhuman. You aren’t meant to undergo these stresses, this panic. So your body reacts. Migraines; but sensory overload can only be coped with for so long. Stomach pains; that feeling of unease and nausea is never fun. Dizziness; how does one focus? And what on, when everything is pulsing a violent orange and red? Sensitive nerves and weak muscles from being tensed from that adrenaline rush, ready to flee for survival, but your body don’t know where is safe anymore. Lack of sleep; how do you calm down enough? 

Each body reacts differently to its protective mechanisms. There are, of course, the common elements in everyone’s experience though.

One of them is the struggle to breathe. People say “just remember to breathe” as if it’s that simple – it’s not, but you try anyway. You have to. Physiologically, it works. Your body is reacting to fear, pumping adrenaline, increasing the heartbeat and blood flow. Ready to run. To flee. To get out. So you breathe, quickly; too fast, drowning in the race. Slow breaths, slow pace. Trying to reduce the fuel to the fire. Suffocate the suffocator by reducing the oxygen. It’s odd really, that you limit the oxygen to calm the feeling of a lack of air. “Just breathe”. You do. Alec does. The water stills, the flames retreat, and you are left. Muscles twitching on a still frozen body. The energy of the moment dies down, and you are left, again, void of your energy. 

And then it comes the second common aspect of anxiety to most people: the tiredness. The complete exhaustion. The body is not made for these repeated intense moments. It needs time to repair, and any remaining energy you are left with is sapped from existence – used up to regain your composure and carry on with life. Alec is often left asking himself what’s the point? There is always a point. Always. But that exhaustion is too prominent, too permanent. So no, Alec does not have the energy to be sorry for his lack of party habits when compared to the average person because he has a balance to refind, energy to regain. 

He was trying, constantly.

He was so tired. Sometimes he didn’t leave the house and, for a while, Jace thought he was depressed. People confuse these things sometimes. But they can both occur simultaneously. In Alec’s case, he was just so freaking worn-out, and he didn’t know how to relax or feel better for long periods after those waves hit him, leaving a wracked body on the shore. Episodes became marathons. 

Anxiety was like having a fire alarm in your house. One that is broken and goes off now and then, unnecessarily, pissing you off. For some reason, you can’t fix the alarm - and, in fact, you still need it. You need to learn how to live with it. With a lot of misleading signs. 

Anxiety was part of Alec’s life. Something that he needed to accept. Not to villainize within himself, not to depreciate himself because of it. But to accept. Because that’s the only way - through acceptance and love, especially love for yourself - that you can make the real changes you need. 

But Alec didn’t get this. He was still angry - with himself. 

He was still drifting. 

Deep down, he knew sooner or later it would be all red again. 

And now it was about to be.


	9. Unsteady waters

The relationship was better than Alec expected. 

They were trying not to be only at Magnus’ place. Meaning, they would go to yoga classes during the week too, sometimes during lunch break. 

Magnus was trying different tea blends for Alec as well, mastering his art, evoking the knowledge his mom taught him over the years. 

To be fair, Magnus was making an effort in this relationship, letting Alec be more and more a part of their lives like he was there to stay. He saw Rafe trusting more and more of Alec, relying on him, waiting, having tea time together on Saturday nights... It was a gamble, and Alec was placing bets. Every day was a new victory like he always had the right ticket in hand. 

The whole situation was working, but it didn’t mean Alec wasn’t freaking out occasionally, he just felt like he could deal with things a bit better now. 

He was doing a bit of meditation and yoga at the mall (Magnus said it was okay after Tara was back giving classes and not Mike). Drinking tea and using those oils Magnus kept sending his way. Anxiety isn’t something a few cups of tea can make go away, but in a way, they helped — not every day. But Alec was trying to put his worries and those voices inside him at ease. 

After all, they were together for almost four months now. That was an accomplishment. Alec never dated anyone for that long. He was impressed. 

And he was afraid because he knew sooner or later he could destroy that. 

He was hoping nothing would set him off, because he was enjoying this, but he was at the edge. He knew himself. He needed everything to be familiar and known and steady and straightforward. He had the routines: Magnus, Rafe, tea, oils. Dora even. But with routine comes expectation. Commitment.

Suffocation. 

He needed steady. He needed simple. And he also knew that was impossible. It was the same as fighting against life itself, asking for seasons not to come, trying to stop the rain. You just can’t. One of the steady things about life it is change itself. Something Alec never learned how to cope with. And that Sunday morning, when he woke up a little later than usual and Rafe said, innocently, “I was waiting for you to have our breakfast”, he knew he was doomed. 

What happened the next week only released the storm.  
And it brought a flood. 

***

That was a tough week for Alec. Rafe was waiting for him. Why? Because Alec was there every weekend. A routine, yes. But also, a constant part of Magnus’ life. Of Rafe’s. He was someone expected. Someone other people were counting on. A presence to be considered. To be acknowledged. That wasn’t too good for him, he was feeling uncomfortable. 

Jace noticed that right away. They didn’t talk about it; Jace only said one day to him, when they were eating at home:

“Don’t.”  
“Don’t what?”  
“You know. I know you. Alec, just for once, don’t, okay? Don’t.”

Easier said than done. 

He wasn’t sleeping very well. He was becoming that tired self he knew so well. 

The following weekend he thought about staying in bed a while longer next to Magnus, to calm himself down. Rafe walked into the room and dragged him out of bed. They went together get those traditional Sunday morning bagels. They had tea and watched an absurd amount of Dora.

Still no Magnus. 

Alec left Rafe in the living room and was heading to Mags’ bedroom. The door was not completely closed (he left slightly open in a hurry to take Rafe out with him), which was why he accidentally overheard the phone conversation Magnus was in the middle of. 

“No, Rag, stop calling him that. He’s not Prince Charming. Stop teasing.”  
Brief silence.   
“Yes, I’ll ask him. I bet he’ll say yes. Yes, Rafe as well.”  
Another quick break.   
“Aham... Yeah, I mean... I love having him around, and he likes Rafe. And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but... I think... I think I love him. Is it too soon? It’s been so long I don’t even know anymore. And I suspect he could be a great father to Rafe too, yeah, you should’ve seen them at the playground the other day-“

Alec didn’t listen to the rest of that. 

“I think I love him”.   
No.   
That was his first reaction. No. No, Magnus, please, don’t change things. Don’t do this. 

He went back to the living room, passing by Rafe.   
“Alec, where are you going?”  
“I need to go.”  
“Are you okay? Do you want me to-”

Alec was out of the door already, leaving Rafe talking to himself. The boy was confused. 

But Alec didn’t have the time to think about that. About anything. His mind was talking now, occupying everything. 

I need to go.   
I need to go. Because I can’t be your father.   
I need to go. Because I can’t call this my family.   
I need to go. Because I can’t be happy.   
I need to go. Because I can’t stay here anymore. 

I need to go. And not come back. 

***

Rafe went to Magnus and told him Alec left, and he seemed weird. Magnus’ heart dropped. Oh crap, did Alec hear any of the things he said to Ragnor? Rafe explained that Alec went to their bedroom and then, he was out of the house. He didn’t finish the episode they were watching, and he needed to see the end of that. 

Shit. Magnus knew what that meant. 

He thought about calling Alec, but he knew he wasn’t going to answer that. He also knew now that Alec needed time and that he could be in a bad place. 

Isn’t it great when the person you love discovers your feelings towards them and has a meltdown? Boi, that’s a way to feel appreciated. 

Magnus, don’t be a jerk. It’s not like Alec chose to behave like this. He wasn’t in control of this. 

“It’s okay, Rafe, Alec had an emergency and needed to go. I guess it will be only the two of us for the rest of the day”, and he placed a kiss in his boy’s forehead.   
“Do you wanna have lunch at Uncle Rag today?” We can go there before Dad heads to work, how does that sound?”  
“Yaaay.”  
At least someone was happy. 

*

Alec went home, to find an empty house. Jace must be with Clary. Apparently, his brother loves being tortured. Every time Alec was with Mags, Jace was with this girl. They seem to be surviving, and Clary wasn’t tired of Jace yet. 

Alec was still waiting for the moment Jace would end up in the gutter because of her. 

But that was not his worry now. Now he needed to lay down. Go to his room and never leave. He was panicking. 

The ride back home in that Uber was torture. He lay in the back seat.   
“Are you okay, man?”  
“Yeah, just drive as fast as you can...”

He went to his room and stripped down his clothes. He sat on his bed. Magnus loves him. That man loves Alec. LOVE. 

Fuck. 

He felt his heart trying to run an imaginary race. Running, running, running. Running for Alec’s life. He felt a migraine starting behind his left eye like a sting. Many times he wondered if shoving a fork in his eye would be better – it would make that pain to stop, right?

He was slightly nauseous and his head was heavy. The pain spread, now on the right side of his head, like a hammer in constant motion. 

Could he die from this? From this inability to be alive? Wasn’t that the same? Not to feel alive while you were was a death of some sort, no? 

He couldn’t.   
He couldn’t. 

He was on the floor now, trying to breathe. Trying to make the world stop, trying to make that pain to go away. But now it was too late; those feelings were everywhere. Encasing him with their fervent orange fire. He felt horrible. He felt sick. He felt bad. 

He felt bad for Rafe.   
For Magnus. 

For himself. 

Silently, he started crying.


	10. If you’re looking for hell, just try looking inside

Again, three days. No word from Alec.  
Magnus was worried. And hurt. He wasn’t pleased with the response his feelings had on Alec.

He decided to go to “Jace on a cup”, to check on things. Rafe was asking about Alec too, so maybe it was time.

Jace was alone in the kiosk, selling a mug to a mother with her daughter attached to her. Magnus remembered the day he was there with Rafe. His heart got a bit smaller with that memory.

He approached the counter. He was hesitant. Magnus, who was always so calm and secure of himself, at least on the outside, was hesitant.

“Hey, Jace.”

Jace knew this would happen. When he found Alec on the floor when he got home, before heading to the mall, he knew something was up. He knew it before Alec could say anything. He didn’t have to.

To be fair, Jace was impressed with this relationship between his brother and Magnus, because Alec never really gave this scenario any real chance before. He tried once with this other guy, but it didn’t last a month. Alec just thought “it was too much trouble” and the situation wasn’t worth his stress.

So when Magnus was in the picture, Jace wasn’t hopeful. And Magnus had a complicator: Rafe. I mean, a cute complicator, but still, something he knew would make Alec consider this a hundred times more because it was serious on another level.

But the way things developed were good. Alec liked the kid. And he liked Magnus. And their relationship was slowly growing. Alec kissed the guy. To Alec’s usual standards, it was the same as proposing already. It was a breakthrough. Jace was so happy for his brother. Finally, he was allowing himself some happiness.

Jace tried to be as supportive as possible, knowing a little how to handle things to help Alec, but it was always tricky because he could have an episode for something completely random. Or he could be so shut off he refused any help, diving into those feelings of suffocation and desperation. Alec sometimes was trapped inside himself, and there was nothing Jace could do rather than wait. Wait until Alec could get out of there, step by step. He was always so broken after those situations, and watching his brother go through that over and over was a sick and perverse thing to witness. Jace hated it.

So, that Sunday, when he found Alec on the floor, crying and fighting against his feelings, he knew it had happened again. He went to his brother and made Alec rest against his chest.

“I can’t, Jace, I can’t”, was all Alec kept saying, ashamed and embarrassed.  
“It’s okay, Alec, it’s okay”, Jace said it back, repeating that over and over like it would wash away all of the pain in the room.

It didn’t.

***

“Hey, Magnus.”  
Jace felt a weight in his heart.

“Hmmm... Jace, I-“  
“Magnus, sorry, he’s... he’s not okay. He’s... I don’t even know, it’s so difficult. I think you should give him some space now.”  
“But I wanna help him. Be there for him.”  
“I know. I want that too, but Alec has been dealing with this for a long time, I mean, I’ve been dealing with this for a long time too, so trust me, I think it’s best for you to give him time, to let him fight this for a while, to see how he feels after.”

Magnus was quiet. He seemed melancholic.

“By the way, I know this is a stupid question, but... did something happen? And I know it’s stupid because sometimes it seems like nothing happened and he still gets like this.”  
“No. Nothing happened.”  
“I thought so. Well, give him a few days, maybe after that, you two can talk and sort this out.”  
“Right. Thanks, Jace.”  
“Sure.”

Magnus was back at his store. He knew he didn’t have one single tea, oil or candle that could help him with the pain he was feeling.

*

The next week, on Monday, Alec was back at the kiosk. It was a calmer day; he decided to start slow and easy.

Those last few days were like torture. Alec was alternating. He felt fine for a while, functioning, cooking, eating, going out for quick walks around the block... And suddenly it hit him. That wave. It was like he was running and suddenly his face went straight against a wall that wasn’t there before. It was like a flood. He was flooding inside, and he just wanted to cry desperately.

He was alternating like that for days.

Izzy went to see him after Jace called her. She spent two nights with them, Thursday and Friday. Finally, Alec told them what happened at Magnus’.

Oh.

“So, what are you going to do?”  
“Izzy, you know what I have to do.”  
“You don’t HAVE to do anything other than be honest with Magnus.”  
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

Of course, “be honest with Magnus” meant different things to Izzy and Alec.

*

That Monday, Alec knew he would see Magnus. He never reached out to talk to Mags that week, although his boyfriend sent him a few messages. He ignored them.

But that day it was inevitable. When Magnus was heading to the escalator, he was surprised to see Alec in the kiosk. He was happy, and seconds later, sad, realizing Alec never tried to talk to him or to tell him he would be back at work.  
Alec saw him too. Magnus was looking at him while going up and away. Alec recognized the sadness in those eyes, and he couldn’t deal with them anymore.

At his lunch break, Magnus was at the kiosk. He felt like a puppy always chasing his owner. But he needed answers. He asked Alec if they could talk, and Alec nodded. “We can go to my storage; we’ll be alone.”

Magnus headed back to his store, Alec followed.

They never touched each other while going there.

*

“So, how are you feeling?”  
That seemed like a reasonable question, right?  
Actually, no. It was a dumb question, both knew it. But Magnus didn’t know how to start this.

They were surrounded by boxes and bags and all sorts of products. The sandalwood smell mixed with so different aromas. A weird blend. Alec missed the sandalwood. He wasn’t using the oil for a few days now; it felt useless at this point.  
The place was a bit dusty, a bit dry in a way.

“I’m... better. I think”  
“Hmmm, that’s good.”  
“Yeah.”

Alec had his arms crossed in front of his chest. He was looking down, barely making eye contact with Magnus.

“So... Do you want to come over, Rafe misses you.’  
Wrong move, Mags.

“No.”  
“Oh.”  
“I mean, I want to. I just can’t.”  
“Why?”  
“Mags...”

Magnus was looking for a chance, for hope anywhere. He felt he was in a battle and he was losing. He was losing because his opponent wasn’t even willing to fight.

“What? Alec, explain this to me. Because I don’t get it. Is it because of what you heard me say to Ragnor? That I lo-“  
“Don’t say it.”

A punch in the face.

“Don’t say that again. I just...”

How can Alec explain this? There were no words. The imensitude of everything was too much to describe. It was like trying to contain the ocean with words and adjectives or restrain the stars with your fingertips. It was like saving your heart in your pocket.

You couldn't.

Alec wasn’t ready. He wanted to. He wanted so badly. To be able to be that person. The person who hears a statement like that and feel joy and gives joy by answering back.

Today he wasn't.

He wasn’t even able to talk properly to Magnus. He had so much to say that he ended up saying nothing at all.

“Alec.”

What? What? What do you want, Magnus?

You want something I can’t give. We both know that.

“Yeah?”  
“Can you talk to me?”  
“Magnus, I...”  
“I can help. I can help you. I’m here for you; it’s okay. We can talk. We can try different teas and blends and do more yoga and relaxing exercises if you want to try them.”  
“Magnus, please.”

It was getting harder to breathe by the minute, and Alec just wanted to get out of there.

“I did a bit of research online and-“  
“And what? Now you’re an expert because you googled this and read three articles about it?”  
“That’s not what I meant; I thought that-“  
“I don’t need your help. I don’t need you to save me. I need you to stop.”

Magnus’ mouth opened, but he didn’t speak.

Unworthy love.

“Sorry, Magnus, I... I told you before, remember? I’m not fit for this; I can’t... do it.”  
“But you asked me not to let that happen, remember that? We can face this together.”  
“And why would you wanna do that? You don’t need this. This... thing – Alec said pointing to himself – is a burden you don’t need. Go be happy with someone else, Magnus. I can’t... I can’t....”

And Alec was crying. They were facing each other, still no touch. Magnus thought about reaching out and comfort Alec. But he didn’t. He didn’t move.

What are intentions without actions to follow them?

A deep sigh from Alec caught Magnus’ attention again.

Alec moved. He distanced himself from the shelf he was leaning in and went closer to Magnus. He grabbed the man’s hand and gave it a little kiss. He looked at Magnus’ eyes, wishing Magnus could read his soul and understand his reasons. His flaws. His... impossibilities.

He was an amalgam of impossibilities.

“I’m so sorry. I... I am truly sorry for all this.”

Another kiss in the back of the hand and Alec was gone.

No.

Magnus didn’t say anything. He didn’t do anything because he didn’t know what to do in the first place.

He was only intentions at this point.

***

That night it was safe to say that Magnus wasn’t in control of his own emotions. He just wished he could be alone. Alone. I mean, he wished he could be with Alec, but since that wasn’t an alternative, he went to plan B: drink his sorrow away until he was completely numb.

But he was a Dad. Rafe was there. Clary was looking after the boy when Magnus got home. They exchanged a few words, and she was gone:  
“Thank you, Biscuit, I got it from here”, he said in an exhausted tone.  
No. It was defeat.  
He felt defeated. He felt rejected.  
His unrequited love still there for him to deal with.  
Basically, he felt like shit.

But he was a Dad. Could he just have one night off?  
Magnus was one of those people that always saw himself as a parent. Some people hate the idea. Some people aren’t born with any parental skills. Some people want to be parents more than anything in the world. Magnus was in the last category. He knew he had it, and that he would be a great dad.

When he married to Camille, in all that rush because they thought she was pregnant and he was so excited to see his dream come true that he get down on his knee and proposed, it was heartbreaking to see a false alarm confirmed shortly after. But the question had already been asked, the decision made. And he was sure they would get other opportunities, new chances.

Except she didn’t want it. She didn’t want any of that. Camille was an aspiring model at the time, the idea of doing anything to “ruin her perfect figure for a brat”, in her words, was outrageous. That was the same as putting a knife into Magnus’ heart and twisting. But he still loved her, so he stayed by her side.

Man, that woman was difficult to live with. And year after year she showed how little she thought not only of this ‘let’s be parents’ idea, but of Magnus himself. He had a relatively successful company before, dealing with e-commerce. But he was miserable. He decided to drop everything to open ‘Magnus’ delight’ and leave an impact in the world and on people. His mom had taught him so much, and he had that natural disposition to help and to heal.

He tried to heal himself.

So he came up with the idea of adopting a child. Camille pretended to be interested. She was such a lousy actress. Magnus saw things clearly day by day. This was never going to work. When she filed for divorce, already involved with some photographer, he wasn’t surprised.

His focus was all Rafe at that stage. Rafe and the family they would be. The Banes. Inseparable. Father and son.

But, damn, being a parent is not always a ride in the park. Now, for example, Magnus wished Rafe would go to bed and let him be. Let him cry.

Rafe was oblivious to all that because Magnus was not the kind of irresponsible person that poured out his sorrows to a kid. But he was hanging in there just enough.

“So, is Alec okay, Dad?”

Magnus was in the kitchen, making tea. Well, he was staring at those stupid Dora mugs. Eventually, he would make tea.

“Rafe, sorry, buddy, can we talk about Alec some other time?”  
“Why? Is he sick?”

Rafe, please. Not now.

“Rafe, go to bed, we’ll talk tomorrow.”  
“Okay. Should we call Alec to see if he’s okay and wish him good night?”  
Oh yeah, they did that a few times during the week, when Alec wasn’t around. Rafe was attached to him, so sometimes he asked to call Alec and tell about his day and wish him good night.

Another thing to remember. Worse, another thing to explain to Rafe later. How the hell was he going to explain to his kid that Alec may be gone for good? That he was out of their lives? More pain to deal with.

It was rough to break Magnus’ heart, but he was an adult. It was so unfair to see his kid’s heartbreak in the middle of that mess as well.

Damn it.

He held his tears. Don’t cry, Magnus. Just put Rafe in his bed and deal with yourself later. Focus.

“No, sweet pea, I think it’s best to leave Alec alone for a while.”  
“Why? We can visit him and bring him tea. Or soup.”

No, Rafe, stop talking about Damn Alec. Stop. Just give me a break, could you? Can you shut up?

“Son, please, go to your room. Sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.”  
“But Dad, I just want to know if Alec-“  
“I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM. NOW!”.

And Magnus moved his hand pointing to Rafe's room, but he was angry and agitated. His hand hit one of the mugs that were near the sink. The piece fell into it, immediately smashing and breaking in two.

Magnus never yelled at his son. And now he did more than that.

He murdered Dora. In front of his kid.

Why does Dora keep dying, goddamn?

Rafe had tears in his eyes, now running down his face, staining his pajamas. His look held disappointment and pain that Magnus had never seen before. Rafe was crushed, like his mug.

The boy ran to his room and closed the door.

***

There’s something else people don’t tell you about having kids.

The guilt.

People don’t tell you about the guilt.

You know, the guilt of saying no, even when it’s needed. Or of saying yes to your kid, when you know it is the wrong choice, but you know it will bring a smile to you in return.  
You would do anything for that. For that smile. Anything.

There’s also the worst guilt of all: the guilt of failure. Because parents are grown up people who have no clue what they’re doing, they always try their best, but it was hard. They’re human. Meaning they get tired too. Irritated. Exhausted. Frustrated. They forget things. They didn’t want to see that damn movie about princesses in the snow again. It was easy for them to let it go, no?

A parent doesn’t have that option.

A parent must be there all the time. There’s this internal pressure: to provide, to give love, to be understanding, to be available, to teach and educate, to share, to listen, to feed, to be patient.

An endless list. A list hard to deal with sometimes.

That night, when Magnus saw Rafe’s eyes full of sadness, he added a new sense of guilt to his list.

For the first time since - he wasn’t sure how long -, well, for the first time in a long time they didn’t have tea time together. Rafe didn’t kiss him or say how much he loves Magnus. There’s no bed story to tell.

That night he had already told a story to Rafe.

He was so done. He needed someone to hold him instead, for a change. He was sick of being in charge. If you’re taking care of everybody around you, who is taking care of you? Sometimes being strong was the hardest thing to do. Magnus was so sick of this. He was sick of Alec shutting him down. He was sick of feeling like his desires were wrong and misplaced.

He wanted to be loved.  
He wanted a family with the man he loves.  
He wanted to hear Alec saying that he loves Magnus back.  
He wanted... to feel like he wasn’t fighting against the world all the time.

He wished he could feel like he was right. Like the world was on his side just this once.

But right now, he just wished he could be better and endure this because he doubted he would survive that day.

***

The next morning, Rafe was ready to go to school. He didn’t wait for Magnus to come to his room to wake him up. He put on his clothes already and was waiting for his dad in the living room. His chubby hands were playing with his backpack. Chairman was next to him like he sensed something was wrong with the boy. The cat started purring and rubbing himself against Rafe’s leg. The boy, sitting on the couch, didn’t move.

Magnus went to Rafe’s room, finding it odd to not see his kid there. Magnus was so tired. He hadn’t slept at all.

He found his son, and for the first time, he didn’t know what do to.

He went closer.

“Morning, Rafe.”

The boy didn’t answer.

Magnus walked and eliminated the small distance between them. He crouched in front of Rafe.

“Rafe”, he said, making his son to look at him.  
The boy had tears in his eyes but was clearly trying not to cry. Magnus had to use all his inner strength to talk.

“Rafe, son... I’m sorry. Daddy was sad and mad last night, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”  
Rafe was quiet, but the tears were running free.  
“It was not your fault and Dad is truly sorry. Do you believe me?”  
Rafe nodded, just a small movement.  
“Can you forgive me, son?”  
Rafe was crying openly now. Sometimes Magnus forgot that that tiny little body had already dealt with so much pain and sorrow at such a young age. It was so unfair. It was even worse to know that he was the one provoking all those tears and sobbings he was witnessing.

What a crappy dad.

He hugged Rafe’s body against his own, letting his tears fall too. He was comforting his kid and, in a way, being soothed back.

“I’m so sorry, Rafe. Daddy makes mistakes too, you know?”  
The boy, until now with his arms in front of his chest, slowly started to open them, hugging his father back.

“Uhum” was all Rafe said.

They stayed like that, forgiving each other, supporting each other, healing each other. Like the family they were.

*

“Okay, so, do you wanna spend the day with Daddy? I know I shouldn’t, but I’ll let you skip school if you want.”  
“Okay.”

See, a wrong yes. But parenting is not always about doing the right thing. It’s about doing what it was necessary too.

And Magnus needed to feel the extra love today; he needed to be okay with his kid.

They ended up having breakfast out, in the place Alec got them those Sunday morning bagels near their place. Oh, Alec. Right. Today Magnus wasn’t going to think about that. Today was about Rafe. Father and son bonding.

That plan was good until they went to the mall. And who was there?

Rafe was holding Magnus’ hand but released that immediately and went running in the direction of the mug kiosk, screaming.

Alec turned around as soon as he heard that familiar voice. Crap.

Rafe came running to him, and Alec left the counter to grab the kid and throw him a little in the air like he always did.

Always did. Right.

He was holding Rafe in his arms. Magnus kept his distance like he needed to protect himself from Alec physically. The man had bags under his eyes, Mags noticed but didn’t address that.

“Alec, are you okay?”  
“Yeah, Rafe, I’m... okay.”  
“You missed our breakfast.”  
Rafe was talking about past Sunday when, for the first time in a while, Alec wasn’t there with him, sharing bagels.  
“Yeah, sorry, I was busy.”  
“Were you sick?”  
“No, Rafe. Hmmm... I was busy.”  
“I asked Dad if we could call you but he said it was best if we didn’t.”  
Well, Magnus was right about that.

“Yeah. I couldn’t talk anyway.”  
“Alec?”  
“Yeah, Rafe?”  
“Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?”

Oh, fuck. That. That just proved Alec why he couldn’t do this. He was doing that to Rafe.

“What? Oh, Rafe, no, why would you say that? You’re... my mug friend, remember?”  
“Oh, about that. Dad broke my mug.”  
“He did what?”

Alec was now looking at Magnus with angry eyes.

“It was an accident” was all Magnus explained about that.

“Oh, Rafe, I’m so sorry. I’m also sorry you thought I was mad at you. I could never. Here, choose another mug”, and Alec placed the boy on the ground after hugging him tightly.

Apparently, apologizing to a 5-year-old was the order of that day.

Rafe went through a lot of mugs, inspecting them. Finally, he chose one.  
“That one? Are you sure?”  
“Uhum.”  
“But Rafe...”  
“That one is fine.”

It was a plain, white mug. No Dora, no cartoons, no pictures, nothing. An ordinary mug.

Alec felt like he could cry while wrapping that mug. It was one of the saddest moments he saw. Something in that boy had changed. And he wasn’t sure if it was a good thing. He wished he could hold the boy and reassure him, tell him how much he missed their breakfast, how he missed being around that family, how even annoying Dora was slightly cool now. How much he... loves Rafe’s Dad.

“Here.”  
“Thank you.”  
“No problem.”

Rafe walked again to his father’s direction, and they went to the escalator.

He gave a quick look back at Alec and waved. Alec waved back.

He was going to miss that kid.

***

If Alec was feeling not so great, Jace, on the other hand, was on cloud nine. Things were moving forward with Clary, to Jace’s surprise. Everyone was surprised, but no one was more impressed than Jace himself.

Clary was a handful to handle, true. But Jace was more than willing to be the challenge to her... needs.

He was concerned, because he was developing feelings for her, and that wasn’t part of the plan. The plan initially included a lot of steamy sex and that glorious end holding a scotch bottle. Now Jace was betraying himself by asking Clary to go with him on that stupid dinner at his parents’ house.

Clary has never been invited to meet a guy’s family before. Cautiously, she said yes.

She went to Magnus the next night, to ask for advice. Fashion advice.

“Magnus, you gotta help me. I don’t know which outfit to pick. What do you think of this?”  
She showed him an inappropriate dress.  
“Hmmm, depends, are you going to greet his parents with your boobs? Because in that case, this is perfect.”  
“Magnus! Okay, what about this one?”  
That dress was so short, and tight it would be a tank top at its best.  
“Depends. Are you going to greet his parents with your…?” and he pointed loosely between her legs.  
“MAGNUS BANE! What happened to you?”

Magnus helped Clary in situations like that before. Usually, he would tell her how to dress to go on a date, and she would ignore all the recommendations because she was not interested in them. She just wanted to have a fun night and do not worry about anything. Jace was the first guy she was invested in for real. So, for the first time also, she needed Magnus’ words of wisdom.

He wasn’t in a good mood.

“Sorry, Biscuit. I don’t think my head is in the right place right now.”  
“Did something happen? Are you and Alec okay?”  
“I think we’re over.”  
“Over? Why? Rafe loves him. He can’t shut up about two topics now, Dora and Alec. Although, he’s not even talking about Dora that much these days…”  
“Well, yeah. I don’t even know how I’m going to tell him. How do you break a 5-year- old’s heart?”  
“How is your heart going?”

She placed her hand on top of his, squeezing lightly.

“I think I’m confused. He heard me say some stuff on the phone and it kinda scared him away.”  
“Stuff? Like what, phone sex with someone else?”, she joked.  
“I think he would have handled it better. But no, I was stupid and told Ragnor that I love him.”  
“Oh.”  
“Yeah.”  
“That’s… something. That’s a little more than ‘stuff’”, she made air quotes.  
“It doesn’t matter. I was stupid, and he didn’t reciprocate.”  
“Hey, you’re not stupid. Feeling that for someone is never stupid. And saying that should be a blessing. I’m sorry if he was a jerk.”  
“He…” Magnus was about to defend Alec because he knew things were more complicated than that, but he decided to drop the subject.  
“I’ve been through worse; this is nothing. Okay, let’s get back to your outfit situation. Honestly, your clothes are the size of a napkin. I think you should get something… new. Longer. Something that doesn’t let me know the size of your panties, for example.”

She usually wore the loosest and unfitting clothes ever, but her nightlife was something she took “seriously”.  
Clary snorted.

“Okay, I supposed I could find something else.”  
“So, at this dinner you’re going to… Only you and Jace will attend?”  
“I have no idea. Why?”  
“Nothing, just asking…”

*

Jace, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go to this dinner.”  
“What are you talking about? Family time. You’ll be great.”  
“Right, because all I need now is to see mom.”  
“Look, I know it was hard the last time, but Izzy invited us and mom had time to digest that info you threw her way. Everything will be fine.”  
“Invited us? Invited you, you mean.”  
“Well, I think it’s safe to say she’s expecting both of us.”  
“And Clary.”  
“And Clary.”  
“I can’t believe you’ll introduce her to mom and dad. I still can’t believe you’re dating her.”  
“Well, you know what they say: sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between danger and sex appeal.”  
“Who the hell says that? What does that even mean?”, Alec was in shock.  
“People say that. Smart people. Scientists. Economists. A friend on Instagram. It doesn’t matter. Point is: we are getting along just fine, and I think we can do this and be a couple.”

Alec envied Jace so much at that moment. He wished he could have that too.

“Well, good luck to you. I’m not going.”  
“Alec. Don’t be like that. You only leave the house to go to work. All I see is you eating bagels all day. Maybe this will be good. You’ll see Izzy and Max, c’mon. Plus, how many times did I help you when you needed? I need your help with this.”

Jace was so unfair. So unfair. But also, it was true. How many times has Jace consoled his brother, helped him sleep, embraced him during a difficult time? Maybe Alec needed to make an effort.

“Damn it; I hate you.”  
“Thank you!”

*

They were in front of Alec and Jace’s parents a bit later than they expected, they had to deal with work first.

Clary was stunning in a dark green dress, that would go down to her knees. Jace was drooling. She was gorgeous with or without clothes. The three of them were together, but Clary didn’t talk to Alec at all. Not even to say hi. Alec noticed but pretended it didn’t bother him.

Jace knocked on the door, and Maryse opened it enthusiastically. All that faded away as soon as she saw Alec. She was not expecting her oldest son that night. Alec saw that look. The disappointment, the disdain even. That hurt more than anything. Weren’t they a duo? A partnership? Hadn’t Alec helped his family, his mother, over and over every time they needed? He gave everything he could to make them happy, to ensure they would be good and fine and had nothing to worry about. And now Maryse was refusing to do the same for him. She wasn’t trying to reassure him of anything. She was showing, once again, her inability to face life and embrace reality. Alec was about to turn around and leave.

“Jace. Hi. And you must be Clary, nice to meet you.”  
“Hi, nice to meet you too. Jace only told me nice things about you.”

Alec made a noise.

The couple went inside. Alec stayed behind to talk to his mom, but she barely looked at him and went inside, not exchanging a word.

Such a great night already.

Clary met everybody and was happily welcomed.

Izzy and Max went for Alec, asking how he was.  
“The same as always. No, I think we can add ‘terribly miserable’ to my description now.”  
“I’m so sorry, big bro”, Izzy was hugging him.  
“You don’t get to be miserable.” They turned around to see Clary next to them.  
“I’m sorry?”, Alec said.  
“You broke up with Magnus; you can’t be miserable. And I don’t get it; I thought you liked him.”  
“Oh, wait, so this boyfriend thing was serious?”, and that was Robert. The whole family was there, involved in the conversation that somehow went from private to a public affair.  
“Yes, Dad, it was. I mean, it is. And Clary – Alec said facing her – don’t you dare to talk about something you don’t know. That’s none of your business.”  
“Well, it is when you hurt my friend. Magnus saved my mom and-”  
“Yeah, yeah, Magnus wants to save the world, good for him. I can’t-”  
“Dinner is ready.” Oh, Maryse. Maryse was at the living room, pretending the tension wasn’t there, that element between all of them.  
“Mom, not now”, Jace said, tired.  
“Why not? The food will go cold. We will sit and eat and talk and have a pleasant evening”, she was forcing a smile.  
“I’m sorry, talking about your gay and anxious son troubles you, Mom? Am I making you uncomfortable? Am I ruining the perfect family picture you have inside your head, and that exists only there?” Alec was almost screaming now, shaking slightly, as Jace noticed.  
“Alec, calm down”, Izzy whispered in a worried tone, trying to touch his brother again. He didn’t let her get near him.  
“Why? She’s not even looking at me, Iz. Because you can’t, right, mom?”, he was talking to her like they were alone in the room. “Because you can’t”. Mother and son were looking at each other, Maryse uncomfortable.  
“Alec, that’s enough”, Robert’s voice echoed in the living room, snapping Alec out of his hateful gaze at his mother.  
“You’re damn right about that. I don’t need this.”

He made a final effort and kissed Izzy on the cheek, whispering “I’m sorry” before leaving.

He didn’t get far. Because he was panicking and, for the first time, he reached a new level. His view went blurry, and he was slowly losing control over his legs. His hands were tingling. Darkness was swallowing him. He was passing out. No. No.

No.

He managed to sit on the grass next to the gate of his parent’s house. He felt a hand reaching out for him before he fainted.

***

When Alec opened his eyes, things were moving. No, he wasn’t dizzy. Well, he was, but things were literally moving. He was inside a car. He looked up and saw Jace. His head was in his brother’s lap. Clary was there too but in the front seat. They were almost at their house now.

“Hey, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”  
“I’m... better.”

He fainted. The spike was too much for him to handle, so his body took care of him the best it could: shut down his system to restart. It was a protection mechanism. It was a desperate measure, but again, there was a threat – so his body reacted. His body was always reacting. He was so ashamed. Again. Things were not red anymore; they were black now. Why can’t this damn feeling go away?

“We’re almost home now”, Jace reassured him.

Alec closed his eyes again. He saw his mom, ignoring him. He saw his childhood; he saw himself being that kid again, the kid that somehow had to carry his family on his shoulders, that had that responsibility. So much for a young boy to handle. He saw his mom crying and lamenting, and all the things and feelings he suppressed after that just to be able to face his siblings and tell them everything would be okay, sure.

He wished he could talk to that boy and tell him it was okay to be scared. That saving this family wasn’t his job in the first place. That he could cry. He could ask for help and comfort too. Just be a kid. Go play. Breathe.

That he was worth it and enough and everything he did was appreciated.

He opened his eyes again, the car in front of their place.

He went straight to his room. Jace followed him.  
“Do you want some tea?”  
“What happened? Did I just... collapse?  
“Yeah. Clary and I went outside to see where you were and leave with you when we saw you fainting near the gate. I think that was the first time I panicked in my life. Clary was there and was fast to get us an Uber and prevent me from getting mom or dad. She said it was best for us, and for you if they didn’t know about it. The driver helped us getting you inside the car, and he drove like a maniac. You weren’t gone for that long, thankfully, but the guy was legit preoccupied. And honestly, so was I.”  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t have time to do anything. It all happened so fast.”  
“Are you feeling better?”  
“I’m feeling great. Relieved, I think.”

Jace was looking at him unsure, but Alec was looking relaxed like he hadn’t in a while.

“Right. I’ll be back with tea anyway. I think you should get ready to sleep.”  
“Yeah.”  
Jace was leaving his room.  
“Jace?”  
“Hum?”, he turned around looking at his brother, sitting on his bed.  
“Thank you. And thank Clary for me, too.”  
“Sure thing, buddy.”

Alec gave him a tiny smile.

That was the first night, in a long time, that Alec slept well.

***

<...> Clary was typing.

She took a lot longer than usual to reply.

Just that? All that time for a one-word-answer?

What the heck was that? Clary was the queen of 300,000 sentence replies, explaining everything in vivid detail. And now she was laconic. That was weird.

Busy? Busy with what? Do you know who was busy? Magnus. Magnus taking care of his business. Magnus being a Dad. Magnus avoiding his kid’s questions about Alec and why he wasn’t around anymore. He knew he should talk sooner or later, but it was the same as reliving it, which he wasn’t ready to do. He was still suffering. And to be honest, to see Rafe’s sad or pitiful eyes on him was not an option he wanted to explore right now.

When Rafe asked again why Magnus couldn’t get more mugs with Alec, Magnus in desperation just said: “because we will start drinking fresh juices, we don’t need a mug for that, right?”

A+ parenting.

Well, he decided to put that on hold. And he was going to check on Clary that night.

*

When Magnus was home, it was past 11 pm. Rafe was sleeping already, too tired to wait for his Dad, which was good since Mags wanted to talk to Clary alone.

“So, spill.”  
“What?”  
“Whatever is happening. Whatever you’re hiding from me.”  
“I’m not. Why would you think that?”  
“Because I’m not stupid, Clary. Did something happen? Did they mistreat you in any way?”  
“Oh God, no. Actually, I... I was the one that misbehaved. And Jace’s mom... uh, that woman is something.”  
“Wait. What happened? Why did you-“  
Ok, time to do this.  
“Alec.”  
“Alec? What about him?”  
“Alec was there. Jace asked him to be there.”  
“Oh, damn it. No. Why? Jace is a dumbass.”

Magnus was worrying about Alec, even not wanting to.  
“Hold on. What did you do?”, he asked her.  
Hmmm.  
“So, you’re not gonna like this.”

She sat down and told him about the night, about her ignoring Alec (because she was “Magnus’ friend” and Alec hurt him), about the way Maryse welcomed them, showing disappointment as soon as she saw Alec there, how the conversation in the living room quickly escalated to something else. How Maryse ignored all that and pretended to be oblivious to the situation, and how Alec had had enough and just left.

Magnus was listening to all that very carefully.

“And after he left?”  
Oh yeah, the other fun part. She closed her eyes, and she saw Alec falling, his body giving up on him, the regret palpable in her mouth seeing him like that, seeing Jace desperate running to his brother, calling his name, putting Alec’s head in his lap, the tears.

She took a deep breath.

“He fainted outside the house.”  
“WHAT?”  
WHAT?

Did she just say he fainted?  
Shit.

She told him how the rest of the night went. Magnus was pacing in his living room now. Clary was nervous.

“Mags, he’s fine now. Everything is fine. Relax.”

Yeah, except it wasn’t. It wasn’t fine at all.

“Can you stay here with Rafe tonight?”  
“What? Why?”

And Magnus didn’t wait for an answer, stepping out of his house already.

*

Magnus was calling Alec, because he didn’t want to disturb Jace with the ringbell. After a long time, Alec picked up.  
“Magnus?”  
“Hey, Alexander, hmmm... I’m at your door, can you let me in?”  
He didn’t get a reply and was unsure of things again.  
Suddenly, the door opened, and Alec was there, looking like someone who wasn’t quite awake yet.

“Did something happened? Is Rafe okay?”  
Magnus held back a smile.

“Yes, everything is fine. Sorry for showing up like this, can I come in?”  
Alec led them to his room. Magnus thought the place wasn’t as messy as he expected for the only reason that Alec didn’t have a lot of things in there to mess with in the first place.

They both sat on the bed, as far away from each other as possible.

“So...”, Alec started.  
“Why haven’t you told me?”  
“I’m not following.”  
“About the dinner at your parents.”  
“How do you know about-“

Duh. Mental note: to kill Clary (sorry, Jace, it has to be done).

“It was nothing. I’m fine.”  
“You fainted, Alexander, are you kidding me? That’s serious.”  
“I know”, he finally admitted.

Alec was breathing deeply. He was worried for himself, of course.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I wish you would have told me.”  
“Magnus. We’re not... I br...” Words, where are you now? Breathe. Try again.  
“Magnus, that was why I put an end to us. Because that’s not your problem to deal with.”  
“Of course it is, Alexander, I still worry about you. This is not something I can switch on and off any time I want. This is beyond any control.”  
“Apparently, so am I.”

That was a whisper. It was Magnus’ turn to take deep breaths. They were facing each other now, so Magnus went closer and touched Alec’s face, wiping away the tear that was running down his cheek. The touch was too much, and Alec broke down, crying, his hands in front of his face.

Magnus took advantage of that to hugged him, playing with Alec’s hair to calm him down. Alec finally embraced Magnus back, even knowing this was wrong and a bad idea altogether.

The hug extended more than it was needed. When they were getting apart again, Magnus just kissed Alec’s cheek lightly. He didn’t protest, so Magnus did again, the other cheek. Soft, butterfly kisses all over his face.

That wasn’t fair, but Alec was letting that happened because he could use a bit of love now. Just a small dose to get through this.

Magnus finally kissed his lips, and that was all he wanted. To use Magnus’ tongue to help him forget his troubles for a minute. Take him somewhere else. Save his soul, even just for a moment. See how loved he can be, how he can do this.

They were kissing, Alec now grabbing Magnus. He started to lay down, dragging Magnus with him. Everything took a different speed, suddenly. They were desperate. Alec was trying to take Magnus’ jacket off without breaking the kiss. But that had to be done because he needed to take off his shirt as well. Magnus shirt was unbuttoned in seconds, the skin easy to access, and Alec’s tongue was there already. He managed to get Magnus laid on the bed, Alec on top of him. Alec decided that for at least one night this would be his salvation.

He also decided to kiss Magnus one last time before attacking his pants for good. But after that, Magnus made a decision himself. He spoke.

“I’m so glad we’re back together, Alexander, I’ve missed this.”

Wow, hold on. No one is getting back together here, where did he get that idea from?

Alec was getting up, leaving the bed, not touching Magnus anymore. He was shirtless, and his pants were really low, showing his hip bones and a bit more, but the high already gone.

“Magnus, what are you talking about?”  
“Well, we’re doing... This. I thought we were on the same page. I’m here to help you.”  
“Can’t you drop that and enjoy this for 5 minutes and leave?”, Alec said madly.

And leave? Magnus was hurt. Who the hell did Alexander Lightwood think he was?

“I’m sorry, do you think I’m here to be your rebound guy? A one night stand and that I will be gone in the morning? I don’t think you’re following, Alexander. I want to stay with you, I love-“  
“DON’T. Just don’t.”  
“Why can’t you accept that? Why can’t you let me love you, Alexander? Let me be there for you.”  
“No!” That was harsher than he expected. Alec tried to say the following in a soft voice: “I don’t know what to do with it. Magnus, I told you-“  
“I know what you told me, ALEC. I remember that. I remember it all. I also expect you to remember I’m not an affair or someone for your disposal, that you can use whenever you want and throw away later. I’m human too. I have a kid, damn it. And he likes you. That is so unfair! I’m not here to play games or to pretend anything. I don’t have time for this. If I let you in it was my choice, but it is yours to stay, I can’t make that effort for you. And I’m done chasing you around, expecting you to care about me or to “be ready” or whatever. I can’t do this anymore. I left my kid alone tonight to see you, because I was worried. I left my kid for you. And for what, Alec? Tell me? For what?”

Magnus was now getting up too and getting dressed. Alec was silent looking at his ex (?), feeling even worse than before. Why did Magnus have to care so much? Let him be miserable alone, he was used to that now. The familiar pain. He could handle that. Thinking about Rafe, crying, for example, was almost unbearable. He remembered the dream he had a few months back.

“Magnus, I... I’m so... I didn’t mean to...”

“Yeah, I heard all that before. But let’s be real here if you knew it would end up like this, why did we ever start, Alec?

Getting no answer-back, Magnus finished getting ready and was done.  
“I wish you the best, Alec. Good luck with everything.”  
And Alec was in the dark again.


	11. Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A favorite is here!

“I left my kid for you.”  
“I left my kid for you.”

Oh, that known feeling was back. 

Guilt. 

He left his kid, the kid he fought so much for, alone, in the middle of the night. He left him because he was selfish and he thought he could have that. Joy. Obviously, Rafe gave Magnus plenty of joy already, but this was different. What he did tonight had nothing to do with Dad Magnus, it was just Magnus. The man. The hopeful one. 

It was him thinking he could have at all. That he could save everyone around him, save himself. 

Stupidity. 

Alec’s words were echoing in his head, making the tears to run down his face, his thoughts everywhere. Was all this a huge mistake? Was his love always misplaced? Will he always feel misplaced himself? 

He was sure that, in his way, Alec loved him back, but maybe it was impossible. Maybe all those obstacles Alec had to deal with were keeping him trapped inside himself forever, impenetrable, isolated, unreachable. 

Magnus was done.

The Uber he was in stopped in front of his place. He tried to clean his face the best he could before getting in, his makeup a mess.  
Clary was sleeping on the couch. He considered waking her up, but it was pretty late. He went to his room, grabbed a blanket and threw on top of her. 

Next, he went to his son. The stood at the door of Rafe’s room like he wasn’t allowed getting in anymore like he betrayed his kid and deserved to be punished. But nothing happened. The sky didn’t fall on him. Chairman saw him and moved his head from behind Rafe’s legs, opening his eyes lazily. 

Magnus decided to get in. He took off his boots and his jacket and placed himself, carefully, next to his son in his tiny bed. The cat didn’t like that and moved a little, making an annoying sound. Magnus embraced Rafael lovingly and tenderly like the kid was a precious stone he just discovered somehow, a gift sent only to him. 

He kissed his son’s head and played with his hair. 

The kid responded, hugging his dad a bit and coming closer. 

Magnus wanted to cry again, he felt so broken, so ashamed, so... wrong. He embraced his son more. He needed to make sure things were still okay, that he was still a good dad, despite the decisions he made that night. 

He began to sob softly.

Because even fortress can fall apart with the right blow. 

***

It was a Sunday morning, and since there was no Alec, Magnus decided to have a new tradition with Rafe, so they took the boy's bike (that was forgotten until now) and went to the park. It was a sunny day, with that chilly breeze of the morning. 

Rafe was having fun with other kids, while Magnus was sitting nearby on a wooden bench, drinking tea he bought on a coffee shop before getting to the park (the tea was awful, bitter, his own was so much better, he really should have taken the time to prepare himself a good cup). A woman passed by, walking with difficulty, small steps, with the help of a walking stick. Magnus was taken back with memories of his mother. She also needed one of those to walk around, since she had an accident that injured her hip.

Magnus' mom, although fragile to others, was one of those people we could call “a force of nature”. When her husband left her, still pregnant, she gave herself one day to be sad about. She was a woman on a mission. 

Rafe came near Magnus, asking for water. The boy noticed that his dad was looking too much to that lady in particular and asked why was he staring at her. 

“She reminds me of grandma.”  
“Really? You never talked about her.”

That is what Rafe thought. In truth, all those things Magnus kept saying to him over and over, were all his mom’s doing. 

Magnus’ mom had the perfect name: Maharani. Meaning, “she who rules the empire”. She was not only beautiful, sharing the same ebony skin Magnus’ showed daily with so much pride; she was smart, educated, intrepid, and obviously, extra. When she left Indonesia, already single, with her baby boy in her arms, she knew she didn’t have a choice. She needed to be the lion her kid needed to. She worked hard to give Magnus all the chances available. 

But, most importantly, she gave him a lot of life lessons. She worked as a secretary in this school near their house - and she only manages to get that job because she went to college in Indonesia and was well versed in the education atmosphere. It’s not easy to be an immigrant. But Maharani knew her worth, and she dedicated herself to show Magnus that. 

One day, at school, Magnus and another boy got into a fight, and the parents were called. Since Maharani worked in the place already, she got to her son fast, asking what happened. Magnus explained that the boy was making fun of him for his features and, since Magnus did nothing about it, the boy started hitting him repeatedly. Magnus had a black eye, and his ribs were in no good condition, he was sure of it. He was only 10. 

His mom talked to the principal, and they were cleared to go home since the fight was almost at the end of the day.

Outside of the school, his mom was furious. 

“Maggie! What are you doing, son?”  
“I know, I’m sorry, mom, I just…”  
“No, kid, why did you let that bastard hit you?”  
Magnus looked at her mom with doubt. 

“Magnus, honey, I always tell you to treat people well because that’s the right thing to do. But I gotta say something else, something I want you to remember. People treat us the way we teach them how to treat us. If you let that bastard hit you without doing nothing about, you’re saying it’s okay for him to do that, which is not. I don’t like this, but sometimes we have to do something about those individuals. You know why? Because people step on people.”

Magnus was quiet the whole time. He was in so much pain. The boy who attacked him was getting out of school too. Magnus stared at them; the boy had his father by his side. The man was not even touching the boy, but he had undoubtedly a proud smile on his face. 

Mags’ mom approached them. “Excuse me; I think your delinquent son needs to apologize to mine.”  
“Sorry? I don’t think my boy did nothing wrong. You and your son can get lost, lady. Pathetic people”, and that last bit was low, but still audible to Maharani. She didn’t think twice. The man started walking, and she put her walking stick between the man’s legs, causing him to fall to the ground with a loud noise. 

“Well, that was PATHETIC INDEED, don’t you think, Magnus? Now we can go home, C'mon, we can cook after we look at your bruises”, she said happily. 

Magnus was remembering his mom and smiling, inevitably. 

“Well, Rafe, your grandma was... something. She was a woman that did everything with intensity. She used to say that life was too short and too long, and we should know when we were living a moment that was insignificant and when something mattered, and we needed to put our feet down. I don’t know, she was… like a comet, I guess. She came, she was brighter than anything else, and she faded away to quickly…”, he spoke in a low voice, playing with his kid’s hair.

She was diagnosed with stomach cancer after a lot of pain and stubbornly refusal to see a doctor about it. When they found out it was too late. 

He remembered the last days by her side at the hospital. She wasn’t like herself, usually bright and talkative, always with a smart thing to say to him. Now she was like a memory of better days. 

“Did you remember, Maggie, when you were young and started to wear my makeup?”, she had this fondness in her words.   
“Yeah, mom, I thought you were about to yell at me, but you just complained about the colors I was trying out didn’t match at all”, he laughed at that remembrance.   
“Dumb kid. Maggie, remember, who you are is important, you’re going to deal with that forever. So embrace it. Embrace yourself. No one is better than you. Teach p-”  
A cough.   
She was alternating moments of clarity with moments of pure pain and emptiness. Magnus was facing all that alone, and he never thought he would wish to see his mom pass away, but the pain was so unbearable (to both of them) that Magnus was only praying to this whole thing to be over soon. The only time Magnus actually prayed. 

His wish was granted on a cold morning, snow everywhere outside the window. His mom always liked snow, because being from Indonesia, that wasn’t something she regularly saw before. He thought God made it snow that day only to make her a reception. She was holding his hand when the machines indicated that her life was over, although Magnus could still see her brightness when he closed his eyes in front of her body. 

She died when Magnus was only 18. 

*

But Maharani’s spirit was with Magnus. Well, not at first. When you lose your rock, your ground, it’s hard to bounce back. And it clearly took a while for Magnus to do that. 

That’s why he ended up developing that e-commerce company he hated instead of following his passion and explore all the things his mom taught him over the years. She was a healer too, in a way. She healed Magnus’ soul countless times. 

That was also why he started dating Camille, after a not so pleasing one night stand. How could they be so different? How could they be so dysfunctional together? Camille and Magnus were one of those couples that only bring out the worst of each other. Being around them was painful. It was painful to be them, to be honest. 

And when the pregnancy came, Magnus put all his good reasoning aside and went for it, because he wanted a kid. He wanted to have that bond again, to feel like his soul has a home in another body. A sacred connection of safety and love. 

He was missing his mom so much. 

But the pregnancy thing went downhill, and he knew he was making a mistake marrying that woman, a woman that wasn't even nice to him, he was questioning everything. He, the one who saw from experience what real love was, fell into that trap. That simulacrum of love. That pretend game. 

He swore he would do better. Be better. For himself, and after that, for his kid.

Maybe for the one that would stick around to make this family even more complete. 

He closed his eyes for a minute and saw Alec. Alec telling him to leave. Alec being an ass. Alec not loving him back. 

“Dad?”  
Oh, Magnus forgot for a minute where he was. Everything was a mess inside. Outside. Inside out. Upside down. 

“Sorry, Rafe, yeah?”  
“You were talking about grandma, and you stopped.”  
“Right, right”, he breathed and started sharing some of his favorite memories of his mother with Rafe, the boy content to know more about his family.

***

If you never experienced pain so unbearable in your life, you will never understand why Alec did what he did a few days after that night with Magnus. 

He never felt worst. And that was quite a statement, considering all the episodes he had before. 

Perhaps it was safe to say now that all the emotional tsunamis he faced were now piled up on him and collapsing at once, since the moment he saw Magnus’ hurt face leaving his room. He wasn’t dealing with anxiety spikes anymore; he was anxiety itself. 

He was trying to pretend he was okay when Jace asked him if he was because he was tired of being fragile and bother his brother all the time. He only checked with Jace if it was cool to stay home for two, three days tops…before head back to work. Jace agreed, knowing Alec was going through a difficult time. 

Waves were crashing down inside; he was all submerged. He wasn’t thinking; he was feeling hopeless and hollow. There were water and fire and all those feelings consuming his flesh. All alarms were off. He was screams and silence. Alec was drunk from his pain and misery; he needed to make things right and to feel loved and accepted. 

He needed someone to tell him things would be okay and that he was okay. He was enough, and he should look for help instead of fighting this alone. How do you win a war that you fight against yourself every damn day?

Maybe Magnus was right. Perhaps he needed to try new oils and teas. Go to therapy. Exercise. All that crap. 

But now he was trying to fix his heart first. That’s why that afternoon, with no warning or even with his awareness, he took an Uber. He walked to those familiar gates with unsure steps. He stood in front of that door. Of that damn house. After knocking, he was greeted by her. She froze the second she saw him.

He was on the verge of tears, but managed to say two simple words: 

“Hello, mother.”

Instead of shutting the door in his face, Maryse Lightwood let his son get inside her house. Alec chose to go there in the afternoon because he knew his father would be at work and his siblings, at school. He would have plenty of time to talk to his mom, just the two of them. 

She went to the living room, Alec followed. She still hasn’t said a word. She sat down. He did the same, both of them on the couch - although, she would have preferred him to sit in the armchair. 

The living room seemed cold without Izzy and Max there to make him feel welcomed. Home is really not a place; it’s a person. It’s the people you choose. Alec was feeling homeless now, and that house, that place, that… woman in front of him was not helping him feel any warmer. Everything around him feels so… aseptic. He also noticed the picture of him with his siblings, that used to be placed on the coffee table, was now gone. 

“Thank you for having me.”

That sounded like a business visit, so formal. So good to be so close to your parents. 

“What do you want, Alec?”  
Alec, you can do this. Just be honest with her. Tell her you missed her, that you two were a team, that you got her back the whole time before, that now it’s her time to step up and be the parent you need. Tell her you’re worthy of love, that you’re the same, that you are her son (remember that, Maryse?), that you love her despite at all and you need to know if she still loves you too. And accept you. 

See, not much. Go on. 

“Mom, I’m not… in a good place, right now.”  
She sighed. Like she was tired of a conversation that didn’t even happen yet.   
“Alexander, I’m sorry.”

“Alexander”, that was the worst start possible. 

She continued. He was shaking a bit, she never noticed. “You know, when you were little, I took care of you the best I could, I was a present parent, I listen to you, I was open and full of love. I was a great mother, Alec.”  
That was up for debate, let’s be honest.   
“I never said anything different from that.”  
“You didn’t have to. Look at you. What happened to you? Was something I’ve done? Or was something I didn’t do? Because I don’t get it. I raise you well, just like the others. If I have done anything wrong was giving you too much love, because you were my first, my favorite. And maybe I have spoiled you in a way that made you like this like you’re not able to face the world alone.”  
“Mom, please, don't say-”  
‘What made you so weak?”, she asked getting her head down, not facing her son.   
“Mom, I’m not-”  
“And now you come up with that idea of being gay? Are you serious? Why did you choose that?”

Yes, because that’s exactly how it works. People wake up one day and realize that they can choose who they will be attracted to. Then they sign a form and…

WRONG. 

“Mom, damn it, it’s not like that. It’s not something I chose. I am like this, I have always been like this, and it’s okay that-”  
“Oh, the look on your father’s face when I told him. And he said it was my fault, Alec. Your father can’t take responsibility for anything, I have to do everything by myself and still have to listen him criticize me all the time like I was his maid, honestly, I’m so sick of this, no one appreciates the effort I put into this family…” 

There. Maryse Lightwood. That was her being her once again like she always has been. Was she really having that conversation with Alec right now? And what, she expected him to comfort her? No, mom, I was the lousy kid, sorry to be such an embarrassment in your life… What the hell!?

Alec was coming to his senses. Why was he there? Was he expecting a warming hug and a tap on the back? Alec, you know better, don't you? He took all the strength he didn’t even knew he had in him and said:

“Well, Maryse, you can deal with this by yourself, since it’s not my problem. Coming here was me giving you a chance, and it was clearly a mistake. I’m sorry to bother you; it won’t happen again. Have a nice day.”

Try a nice life. 

He looked at his mother like it was the last time like some magic was just revealed to be a cheap and stupid trick, a part of his life now covered with this new paint he could never scratch it off — all those dark colors covering even the corners of his memories. 

The heartbreak. 

He stood up, nodded at her, and left the house steadily and calmly.

After he reached the corner and knowing she couldn’t see him at all, he started running. 

Running for his life. 

***

Ch 95 - Thinking about yourself for once

When Jace was home that night, he never saw Alec. The door of his room was closed; he assumed his brother was sleeping. 

Jace was so tired, he was practically working by himself for a while and the mall was so demanding. So many hours. And they couldn’t afford a person to help them (well, he didn’t know that he was never good with accounting). So he had to manage the best he could. 

And when he got home, he had to have the energy to help and support his brother. He loved Alec, but sometimes that situation can be… exhausting, not only for the one feeling the anxiety but to those around him as well. Jace knew that image of Alec hitting the ground, unconscious, would hunt him forever. That fear of losing someone you love is one of the most powerful and terrifying things to experience. 

Tonight, however, he had plans. He was about to see Clary; he was excited about that. The girl was a bit tense after everything that happened during that family dinner, but Jace reassured her it wasn’t her fault. 

He got dressed quickly, after a shower, and left his house. 

He met her in this cozy little restaurant, with the tackiest decoration ever. It was supposed to be an Italian place, but the decor had mermaids and fish paintings everywhere. The owner should watch a few of Gordon Ramsay’s shows, to get a bit of orientation. 

She was already there waiting for him, gorgeous with a light see-through shirt and a black skirt. 

“Hey, Jace” and she lifted for her seat to kiss him. Not the passionate-take-your-clothes-off one, and, to Jace’s surprise, he was okay with that. It was a kiss that showed that they were intimate in a different way. They were becoming a couple, and Jace was happy with that (not that he would admit it). 

“Hey”, he smiled at her.   
“I just ordered us drinks, I hope it’s okay. I know you’re tired.”  
“Yeah, I am. Thanks.”  
“So, how is Alec?”  
“To be honest, I have no idea. We haven’t spoken today, and I think he was already sleeping when I got home. I can only imagine he is… as usual. Suffering? Dealing with all that horror inside himself? I don’t know. All I can do is watch and listen to him. I don’t know…”, he said facing sadly on the menu. 

All the pasta dishes had some fish with them. Hmmm. What an odd place. 

“And how are you feeling?”, Clary said that after sipping her drink. She asked that like it wasn’t a big deal, but Jace was so accustomed to focus his worries on Alec he never stops to consider how he was feeling about it. Maybe because no one asked him before. 

“I’m… tired. I mean, I love Alec with all my heart and seeing like that is heartbreaking, but is also exhausting for me. I’m always trying to get us to a lighter mood, but it’s hard. It’s hard when you see someone you love in pain, and you are useless. And I feel like that all the time. But also, I feel like I have to be there all the time, you know, always available. Always alert. So, in a way, it’s a void that sucks not only Alec but me along too. I don’t know how to explain. It’s this particular kind of agony, I don’t know how to put it.”  
“Jace, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you both have to go through this” and she squeezed his hand. 

It was just that. A squeeze and a sincere look at him. Like she was interested in him and his well being. She was worried about him and being sympathetic. That woman, that amazing woman, was in fact with Jace. For real. He knew at that moment. 

He felt more in ecstasy from that that he felt during sex (maybe? Okay, not ‘more’. He felt the same ecstasy... in a way. But that counts, no?). 

He kissed her hand. “I know, thank you, Clary. Let’s order.”

Truth to be told, Jace never expected actually to have a relationship. He was too invested in his family and, particularly, in calming Alec down and be his support system, especially after they moved in together. And, of course, he was dreaming about having a successful business. He felt he was failing in everything. 

Well, not everything, the mug business was going better than he expected (to clarify, he hoped to be closed after one month). But people were coming, and he was invested in that now. He was spending a lot of time alone in the kiosk, so he was trying out a few classes and vídeos online to understand more about management skills and knowledge needed to run a business. 

And now he had Clary. Jace was indeed the ‘one night stand’ kinda guy, but Clary challenged him. She didn’t accept all that crap he usually said to other girls. She was setting the rules, and he could obey them or get out. He stayed like the good and addicted puppy he was around her. She also thought it was only fun and games, until one night, when he asked to talk to her. She was sure he was going to end things, but he asked her about her family, her mom, and her stepdad. They talked and talked, in bed, next to each other, fully clothed. He was playing with her hand and her fingers while she remembered the dark days with her dad and the happy memories of her mom and Magnus after that. She explained why she wanted to pursue drama and acting (“I wanna make people forget about their sorrows, even for a while”) and he listened. 

He even gave her a mug. With a picture of him printed on it and “I’m your stud” under the photo. She couldn’t explain how that gorgeous piece of ceramics broke shortly after — what a shame.

Now, they were still having their meal at the restaurant. Jace was talking about “Jace on a cup”.

“I think I need help. I’m so tired and Alec is in no condition of helping me.”  
“So, hire someone”, she suggested eating her pasta with tuna.   
“I can’t. We don’t have money to do that.”  
“Are you sure? How do you know?”  
“Because.”

She was looking at him. 

“Jace, I don’t know how you can do this.”  
“Thank you.”  
“That was not a compliment. But look, Luke is an accountant. Bring your... I don’t know, documents to him. I’m sure he will analyze your situation and tell you if you can hire someone or not. Even someone there part time would be good, right? So you can rest and take care of yourself. Or for me.”

That was such a tempting offer. 

“Do you think he would do that?”  
“Sure. If I ask, he’ll totally do it. Obviously, you would have to meet him... Would that be a problem?”  
“Pfffffff. Dads are my specialty.”

She made a weird face. 

“You know what I meant!”

That was a lie. He never met any of his girlfriends’ parents, mainly because he never had a steady girlfriend before. 

But he played cool because if there’s one thing Jace Lightwood can do is to play it cool. 

Not really.

 

Ch 97 – Awakening

Jace was back from his date with Clary and found, once again, Alec’s bedroom door closed. He needed to talk to his brother so much, for once he was the one needing help. And they needed to discuss that idea of hiring someone else. But He knew Alec wasn’t great now. So he respected that. 

That scenario repeated itself for three days. Day or night, every time he looked at Alec’s room, the door was closed. He started letting food in front of it, to see if Alec would at least get out of there and eat something. 

Sometimes the food was exactly as he left. Other times it wasn’t there, which he interpreted as Alec’s accepting his offer. That was the only sign he got from his brother. That he was alive somehow, Jace knew that there was nothing he could do about it, Alec was facing his own battle. 

Jace could only wait for him and hope for the best. 

*

After those three days, Jace asked Clary to set a meeting with her stepdad to help him figure out the numbers of “Jace on a cup”. 

For the first time, he was trying to be responsible for his business. He knew it was time to get their shit together. 

He had to take his paw out of that nail. We all have our paws stuck somewhere. You know, that familiar, known place, that is not always cozy, but it’s comforting somehow. Our refugees can be diverse as the stars in the sky, and each of us knows exactly what they are. 

Letting go out that is scary, it can lead to something so much worse. But what if, instead of hoping for the worst case possible, we could, for once, actually hoped for the best one? What if we could believe in better days once in a while? What if we could give us time to heal, to grow, to learn?

It was a new and exciting perspective, and Jace finally thought it was his time to do it. 

To be in charge of his own life and to do something well for once, to show people he wasn’t just a pretty face (he was also a pretty pair of legs, abs... by the way, he didn’t have magical hips, but his tongue, uh, his tongue alone should have its own TED Talk, *eternal winks*. Ok, sorry, that’s not the point). He was able to do so much more. And he knew he would help Alec like that too, not being another worrying factor in the equation that was Alec Lightwood’s life. 

He was happy. He grabbed his things and head to Clary’s home as fast as he could. 

He was ready for a new chapter. 

A chapter full of mugs, apparently, but a new chapter nonetheless. 

***

“Hi, dear, I’m so glad you could make it. Come on in. And hey, you!”, and Magnus was facing Paul. The boy and his mom came to spend the day with Magnus and Rafe. It was a Saturday afternoon, and Magnus left Ragnor in charge of the store to do this. 

Paul’s mom was never a super close friend of Magnus, but she supported him many times at school because other parents have an opinion about him and they weren’t shy to share it. Every time she heard something about it - because those comments sometimes happened while Magnus was there, talking to her on the patio or saying goodbye to his son – she would interfere. And she would defend him. Plus, their kids adore each other. Paul is Rafe’s best friend, which makes Magnus happy because he knows Paul comes from an understanding family. 

Now, Magnus felt like he could get closer to Paul’s mom, maybe make a real-life friend. He also needed her knowledge. She was a psychologist. He needed advice. 

Paul entered Magnus’ house and, like magic, there was Rafe, embracing him.   
“Let’s play with Chairman!”, screamed Rafe, heading to his room with Paul. 

“You have a nice place”, the woman said sitting on the couch. Magnus gave her peppermint tea and offered some pastries he bought to received them.   
“But I swear I can cook and we’ll have a good snack for the kids later”, he said with a smile. 

They started talking. Paul’s mom told him about her life: she was a widow (he had no idea), her husband died when Paul was just 2. It was a shock, and she took a long time to recover, which she said she still hasn’t. Only then Magnus noticed that she had a ring hanging on a necklace she had with her all the time. She was a bit lonely after that. It was too hard to face her old life, a life that included her husband. It was a constant reminder or something she could no longer have, so she moved to NY because of a job opportunity and the chance to rebuild her life and focus on her son.

Magnus also told her about himself. That woman understood lost. And pain. And growing from that to something better. Magnus felt comfortable around her, and the conversation was easy between them. She was funny and smart, but also one of those people that didn’t hold back her thoughts or ideas. She was honest in the best way possible. 

They were talking for hours, the boys playing in Rafe’s room and refusing food, because, well, they are kids and still don’t know that is good in life. 

The parents, on the other hand, were eating like no tomorrow. 

“So... may I ask you something?”  
“Sure.”  
“What happened to your boyfriend?”  
“Oh. How do you know about-“  
“Rafe. Last time he was at our house he took this white mug, and he didn’t want to watch Dora. I thought the boy was broken. And in a way he was, he told me about... Alec? Is that his name? (Magnus nodded) Well, Rafe is not dealing with whatever happened very well. We think kids don’t get what’s happening around them, but they do. You better talk to him, you know, before he starts to get anxious and-“  
“Don’t even start talking about anxious!”  
“Why?”  
“I need wine to talk about that, wait.” 

And Magnus went to the kitchen, coming from there with 2 glasses and a bottle of wine. 

The woman listened to the short version of Magnus’ story, his relationship with Alec and how his boyfriend (hmmm, ex-boyfriend?) was dealing with his anxiety. 

“And how are you feeling?”  
“Honestly? I’m mad!”  
“Why?”  
“Because I opened up for nothing, as usual. My mom told me so many times that I should teach people how to treat me and...”  
“And you got a divorce when things weren’t alright with your wife, didn’t you? And you put an end to your relationship with Alec when you feel hurt. It looks like you’re doing what your mom told you to.”  
“Maybe.”

He never thought about the situation like that. She could be right. 

“So, why are you still mad?”  
“I let Rafe like him. I let him get into our lives and I can take this, but Rafe is just a kid. He still thinks it’s his fault that Alec is not around anymore, I know that. And I can’t even be mad at Alec, which makes me just angrier...”  
“Why can’t you be mad?”  
“Because of his... condition. He’s not doing on purpose, but still.”  
“Magnus, for whatever reason, you felt hurt, you open up and let yourself be vulnerable and that wasn’t reciprocated. That hurts. Of course, you can be mad. That sucks. We think we need permission to feel the way we feel, and honestly, we don’t. If you feel hurt in any way, that’s all you need to know and acknowledge, right?”

Man, that woman was a saint. I mean, who says that? She was a psychologist, and she knew how to handle this situation. But Magnus was impressed anyway. He never thought he could genuinely be hurt about all this, because Alec never wanted to do this, right? But last time they spoke Alec was a jerk. And why? Because Magnus tried to help? Tried to get him back? Magnus was bigger than that, thank you. You can be miserable all you want, Alec, because this guy here doesn’t care at-

“But do you love him, right?”

Damn it.   
Yeah, there’s that. But love is something you can get over, you can forget, you can move on from. Why would Magnus stick around to see Alec burn every time an episode happened? Why would Magnus let his kid to be involved with that scenario since it wasn’t a necessary thing? He could find someone better. More balanced. Someone who knew how to behave in social circumstances that likes kids, that was amazing in bed (Damn it, Alec), someone with the stretch of an Olympic athlete. Someone who also enjoyed talking about the most random facts and drinking tons of tea, like both of them, did. You know, a person that had all Alec’s features and qualities but wasn’t him. Someone... taller, maybe, just because. 

Someone who wanted this in the first place. 

Alec who.

“Yes.”

For a brief second, Magnus swore he could hear his mom’s voice in his head, a mix of a lament and a reproval: “Oh, Maggie”. 

“Oh, Maggie, you’re a dumb, kid.”

That was the whole thing he actually heard. 

Mother, can you please...

“But there’s no point. Here’s not willing to do the effort.”  
“Okay, I’m gonna say something here I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s the wine. And I’m not in my office, this is us being friends, right?”  
“Sure.”  
“I know what I just said to you about feeling mad and all, but on the other hand, I don’t think it’s fair to say that the guy is not putting an effort in this.”  
“Excuse me?”  
She laughed.   
“I’m sorry, but it’s true. I have a few patients with anxiety disorder, which seems Alec’s case, and Magnus, it’s really hard for them. Some of my patients can’t even talk on the phone without having a meltdown. For them, there’s a real difficulty in dealing with certain things that are so simple for us. He’s not nervous, hor anxious... he has anxiety. It’s different. Did Alec ever describe to you how he was feeling or how his anxiety manifested?”  
“Yes, actually. I asked, and we talked about it a few times. It was quite confusing sometimes, but usually just sounded awful. He talked about colors and about opposite feelings of being fast and slow, of being suffocating and underwater and about losing control of himself...”  
That does seem pretty bad, no?

“So, he feels all that and still tried to be in a relationship with you, despite all the obstacles his own body and mind were putting him through.”

Silence. 

Magnus drank all the wine in his glass at once. 

“I’m saying this not to make you feel bad, but to give you perspective. You have all the right in the world to be upset, of course. You put your heart on the line, that’s risky. But you knew his situation, he never lied to you about that, so... what were you expecting from him? And, most importantly, what were you expecting from yourself by going in this relationship?”

To save him. To save him like he couldn’t save his mom. To save Alec in a way Magnus could never save himself. 

“You know, Magnus, there’s a difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is seeing someone in pain and say ‘it’s not that bad, I’ve seen worse’. Empathy is ‘I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you’. Just that, no pressure, no comparisons, no need to ‘fix’ anything. No judgment, which I know it’s hard. But put yourself in his shoes for a second. If it was with you, I don’t know, if you were dealing with something like that, or worse, with something bad with Rafe, how would you feel if your boyfriend was also there asking you to be with him or to give him more than you could...? Imagine someone feeling like it’s drowning, Magnus, this is serious. And being scared of not only hurt the one you have feelings for, but also a child. Wouldn’t you have freaked out too?”

Talking about new perspectives. 

“But then what? Should I persist on that? Why?”  
“Because that’s what love is, isn’t it? To be there. If you feel it’s worthy, of course. Think about it; there’s no need to jump to conclusions here.”

Magnus was silent, and conveniently the kids finally asked for some food. 

Paul and his mom were there for a little longer, but Paul was tired now, it was time to go home. Chairman was exhausted. He could sleep for a whole week, which he normally did, but you know. 

The kids said their goodbyes. 

“Magnus, this was lovely. I hope we can do it more often, maybe my place next time.”  
“Absolutely.”  
“And I’m sorry if I said something, you know... If I crossed the line with my opinions.”  
“Nonsense, my dear, it was all much needed. Thank you so much for being here for us.”  
“It was my pleasure, Magnus. Bye, dear.”

They hugged. 

“Bye, Catarina, thank you again.”


	12. How to fix a broken heart

Magnus was in his bed, too lazy to move. He was going through his situation with Alec over and over... He was still thinking about Catarina’s words. “To be there. If you feel it’s worth”. How do you know it’s worthy? How can you tell the difference?

How can a broken heart tell, after all the ache?

Suddenly he smiled. He closed his eyes and were there again, like magic. In the tiny apartment, he shared with his mom when he was younger. He spent the whole day out, something untypical of him. His mom was in the kitchen, making soup. It was a cold day. Snow all over. When Magnus entered the place, he still had snowflakes in his hair. He greeted his mom, as always, and went to the bathroom. 

A few minutes later, they were having dinner. Maharani was waiting for Magnus to say something, anything. 

The wait was worth it. After finishing his meal, Magnus was shy but asked his mom about the subject that was eating him alive. 

“Mom?”  
“Hmm?”  
“How... hmmm... How do you... How do you fix a broken heart?”  
Maharani looked at his son and sighed deeply, showing the understanding only someone that has been through that situation could demonstrate. The “I’ve been there, done that” kind of sigh. 

“Oh, Maggie, what happened?”  
Well, what happened? Magnus was in love with his friend, at least that was what he thought, and he decided to come clean about it, confessing his feelings. The other boy looked at Magnus like he had a disease. The number of things he said to Magnus was more than enough for the boy cry for a decade. He was devastated. It was his first “love attempt,” and he failed miserably. 

“Oh Maggie, my boy, come here”, she said waving her hands, indicating a huge “mama bear hug” about to happen. Magnus accepted that eagerly. He started crying holding his mom. 

“You know, I’ll be honest with you, Maggie. Hmm, let’s do this. Put your hand on top of your chest.”  
Magnus was looking at his mom with a weird gaze, the tears still running down his face. But he did as she asks him. 

“Do you feel that? That’s your heart, in one piece. Beating for you. Still. Still beating for you and making sure you’re alive and well despite at all. Do you feel it?”  
Magnus nodded.   
“See, I personally don’t believe in this idea of ‘broken heart’. You feel broken, I know that, and I’m so sorry I can’t wash your pain away, son. Unfortunately, you’ll still face a lot of it in your life. A lot of pain. Just because that’s how it is. Pain is part of life and, you know, we can always learn something from it, I think. But the point here, my son, is that, no matter how defeated, broken or unwanted you’re feeling, your heart is still there, making all that hard work for you. In one piece, whole. So, every time you feel like things are too much, that there’s much pain around, you need to put your hand on top of your chest, like reaching for your heart, and remember that it’s still beating for you. You’re still alive; you’re still okay. As long as you’re breathing, Maggie, there’s hope, and there’s a chance, got it?”

Magnus was listening to that like it was some secret from the elderly, from the past, something he knew was important and precious and that, maybe at that point, he couldn’t fully understand. His mom had her hand on top of his, both of them on his chest, calming him. 

“Thanks, mom.”  
“No problem, kid. I think it’s time for some healing tea, don’t you think?”  
“Healing tea?”  
“Yeah, peppermint.”  
“Peppermint is a healing tea?”  
“Not really, I just like the flavor a lot”, she said laughing. 

Magnus opened his eyes, still smiling. He could almost taste the tea they had that night as well. The hand on the chest was something he did often. He did it with himself in the nights after his mom was no longer with him, never feeling so scared in his life. He did it with Rafe when the boy was so tiny, fragile and brittle at the beginning of their relationship. He did with Alec the first time they kissed, in the bathroom of his house. 

He did that not only because it calmed him down, but also because it reminded him of his mom and her words, her love, her wisdom. It was a way of invoking her in life. It was a way to remind himself of what was important. And that, despite at all, he would make it, because his heart was there, beating for him. 

And as long as he was breathing, there was hope. 

And a chance.


	13. Sing of the moon

He opened his eyes, but there was nothing to see except darkness. There was water everywhere. Water, dark, salty water. An ocean of particles and feelings and emotions he couldn’t grab. 

He tried to breathe but it was impossible, and he felt the water going through his nose and his throat, hurting him. It was cold. It was dead cold. But it was also so hot, this feeling of being burned, of not controlling his own body, his own emotions. He was on fire. 

His movements were in slow motion, and yet, so fast he couldn’t keep up. 

He looked down and saw nothing. He tried to go up, swimming and moving his legs and arms as much as he could, but they were heavy and didn’t respond well to his commands. Was he going up? He had no idea. He was fighting. 

Suddenly a force pulled him down, like an obscure creature from the deep sea had just spotted him and decided he should stay there forever. 

No.

Scream.

Cry. 

Nothing.

He was trying. There were moments when he thought about giving up, he thought he wouldn’t make it. He didn’t have any idea why was he fighting anymore, it would be easier to give in, to surrender and to stop this pain and this darkness around him. This wall of nothing and everything compressing him. 

But he fought. He fought for days. He fought for years. He was desperate. 

He was alone. 

Facing all his fears, ugliness and weaknesses. 

He fought. 

After a time he didn’t know anymore - a time only the heart could measure, and the mind could compress and stretch -, he felt he was close to the surface. Suddenly, his fingers broke the barrier, and he felt the wind and the air going through them. He lived for the first time. 

Before these feelings could get deeper into him, a wave came, from nowhere, and he was underwater again, the fire there, how was that fire burning him? Where all those colors came from?

He drowned. 

The process began all over, endless, tiring like he was nothing and a superior force knew better what to do with him. How to play with him. How to break him. 

But something changed - inside of him. Because when he felt his fingers outside the water for the first time, he felt a new feeling, he had a new answer. 

He was fighting, yes, but for himself, for the first time. 

It was for himself first. 

When he felt that breeze, for that brief moment, he realized something oblivious to him until that point. 

This was a wave; this was a flood, it was the ocean itself. But even the ocean recedes. Even fires can be put to an end. 

This, this was survivable. 

And somehow, despite all the odds against him, he would make it.

***

Alec had insomnia. Another side effect of his condition now. To calm himself down, he went for walks. He left his house and started to wander around, like a flaneur, drifting in the city lights. 

He would walk and think, think and walk. Walk until exhaustion. He needed to be tired, not to be functioning, to stop the turmoil of everything happening inside. He needed air. He needed to find himself again. 

He would leave his house, closing his bedroom door, so Jace would think he was sleeping. He came back home pretty late and, if he was lucky, he could nap for an hour or two. Then the process started again. 

Alec hit rock bottom, he knew it. But even that being the most excruciating experience he had ever felt in his life like everything was dark and lifeless around and inside, it also brought him some comfort. Some clarity. It couldn’t get any worse. He was already there, in that... hole. Stuck.

But eventually, that thing happening to him, that weird... entity... was now letting go of him slowly, the claws lose over him little by little. He was going back to himself, after a profound experience of detachment. 

Now, there he was, a bunch of pieces to be glued together. 

After a few more days, he was sitting on the couch of his house, waiting for Jace to be home. 

“Alec!”, his brother screamed, hugging him immediately, involuntary tears running down his face. “You’re back.”

He was. 

*

They ordered dinner, and they finally talked. Jace told him about the last few days and his encounter with Clary’s stepdad, Luke. 

“And how that go?”  
“Super. I thought about giving him a mug with a funny remark.”  
“Oh no.”  
“Calm down; I didn’t. I brought him a bottle of scotch instead.”  
“Hey, good move.”  
“Yeah, until I explained to him that I had that waiting to drink after Clary exhausted me from all the crazy sex and I ended up alone in the gutter.”

Alec was looking at his brother astonished.

“Sometimes I can’t believe we’re related at all.”  
“Don’t worry. Clary panicked for a second and told him I was joking and that I had a peculiar sense of humor.”  
“Peculiar... that’s a way to describe it. And after that?”  
“After that things were good. I had dinner at her house and met her mom too. They’re a nice little family. And I gave Luke everything we had on our business; he’s going to help us! Maybe we can hire someone part-time and get help.”

Yeah, about that.

“Talking about help. I was thinking... I... I think I’ll get help too”, Alec said a bit shy.  
“Oh, really?”, Jace said holding his sushi in the air, halfway to his mouth. “What made you change your mind? You never listened to me before about that.”

So Alec had to tell his younger brother about that painful situation with Magnus in his room. 

“Oh, Alec, no, bro!” Jace looked sad like someone had just stolen his food. 

And, worst, Alec told him about his lovely conversation with his mom. And how he felt next. And how he was drowning and alone in a dry land, all in once, for the past days. 

“She did what? SHE DID WHAT?”, he screamed, sushis flying from his lap to face the ground. “You know what, I’m done with her. If she can’t accept you, I won’t talk to her anymore.”  
“Jace, you can’t do that. She’s your mom.”  
“Yeah, and yours too, although she seems to ignore that for the moment. Sorry, but I won’t let that be. Alec, you need help, not that bullshit. This is so ridiculous, I’m gonna tell Izzy too, you’ll see.”  
“Please, don’t.”  
“Why not? Izzy is on your side, same as me, no matter what. You know that.”  
“I do, and I love you too for that, but this is between , and Izzy doesn’t need to hate her too.”

Jace was furious, pacing in the living room. Alec was sitting on their couch, facing the ground and the food in there. He was tired. 

“Look, I won’t tell Izzy, but you can bet your ass I’m done with her. Until she apologizes to you, I’m done with mom.”

Alec gave him a thankful look. Jace could be a bit hard to handle sometimes, but he means well. They love each other and support each other above all, and that was a comforting feeling to Alec. 

Jace was calmer now. He sat back on the couch again. But Alec knew he was still worried about everything because Jace didn’t make a single comment about the food he wasted. So things were serious. 

“So, you’ll get help. What does that mean exactly?”, he finally asked after a moment of silence between them. 

“I think I’ll go see a therapist? Or a psychologist, you know, something like that. I need to talk to someone and get my shit together. I mean, I was... I was hurt and all, but I was awful to Magnus, cruel, something he didn’t deserve at all. And that attempt with mom, I mean, that was pure desperation on my part. I was running around like an idiot, thinking I could do it by myself, thinking I could live like this and that was just life, you know? But there’s gotta be more than this. More than doubt, sorrow, and freak out all the time. And I need to have more to offer than... this”, he finalized pointing to himself. 

“Alec...”

“I know what you’re going to say, Jace. I... I need to be better, you know? You always told me I could have a happy life and all, and maybe it’s time to go after that. Otherwise, I won’t make it. And I know I won’t get a cure or anything, but I gotta face the facts, face reality. To get better, I need help. I need to take this seriously in the first place. Me. Not you, not mom, not... Magnus. I need to see how important this is, right?”

“Right”, was the only thing Jace could say. He put his arm around Alec’s shoulders. 

“So... does that mean that you’re going to apologize to Mags?”

“What? No. No, I’m done. I’m done hurting him. Don’t you think? That he had enough of me? I don't even dare to face him and apologize. I know I was in a bad place, but still. So, for now, it’s better to start fresh. He’ll find somebody else and be happy, and that’s fine by me.”

“Really? If Magnus gets a new boyfriend, a really hot one, that Rafe adores and that is also really good in bed-“

“Jace, your point?”

“See, you don’t even like me saying it. I think you should reconsider your relationship situation.”

“I can’t. There’s no relationship to consider anymore”, Alec said, facing the ground again.


	14. I dive in you like water

Good news! 

Luke, unlike Jace, was a genius and realized they had money to hire help. So Amen to that. 

Jace was in charge of finding someone to work on “Jace on a cup”. All the candidates (few, few candidates) that made a remark about the name of the kiosk or the drawing of Jace inside a cup were automatically discarded. People have no respect. (Or Jace was just an idiot, it was hard to tell sometimes, because honestly, that was not a valid reason not to hire someone, Jace!)

Jace chose, at first, a guy named Jonathan, but he was the worst employee ever. When he was talking with Jace about Alec (they didn’t meet) and explaining a bit about anxiety, the guy said: “I bet your brother is doing all that crap just for attention. Some people can’t help themselves and like to be victims of their own choices. I know a lot of people like Alex.”

“It’s Alec”, Jace corrected him. 

“Yeah, right. Whatever.”

Jonathan was fired within a week (If you ask me, one week was a lot of time already to have him there). Jace was sick of people disregarding the matter as if it was a “made up” condition. He knew first hand how anxiety (and mental illness in general) were a serious subject, a subject that deserves attention, love, and support for the ones around the person dealing with that. To have someone working with him that said the whole thing was “crap for attention” was disrespectful with his own story was an insult to his brother, and to all people struggling every day to live. 

They are struggling, putting a real effort out there, trying their best. Sometimes things were hard – which was also okay. People can have bad days too. It was about keep going despite all the difficulty. It was about giving yourself time to recover before going back to the fight again. 

How can someone that never experienced something remotely similar to that even think it was okay to judge this condition? 

You know what you can do, Jonathan? You can shut up, thank you. And get lost. 

Bye, boy. 

Finally, Jace found someone decent: this gorgeous and super fun girl, Maia. She was studying at uni but needed the money desperately since her parents were only partially helping her with her expenses. And the part-time job was perfect for her. 

Jace explained to her, briefly, about Alec, telling her he was going through some personal things, but would be back to business in no time. She never asked anything about that. 

Almost three weeks after all that mess with Magnus and his mom, Alec was back at the mall. He met Maia, and they hit it off immediately, because, like Jace, she was... really open about everything. 

They arranged her work hours according to her uni schedule, the three of them making notes about it and creating a work schedule for all of them. 

“Oh, I also can’t be here Tuesdays and Thursdays, at least not all afternoon, I have... my therapy appointment, but I can be here early or work at night to compensate that”, Alec was a bit apprehensive to share that information with someone he barely knew, but it was time to face things, right? There was nothing to be ashamed of. 

“Shut the front door; you go to therapy? Me too!”, Maia was super excited about that, hitting Alec in the arm like she was greeting him for both of them wearing the same blouse or something. 

“Really?”

“Pfff, obvs! Depression here, you know”, she was pointing to her chest, almost cheerful. “But I’m so much better now; you have no idea. Therapy really helps! Why are you going?”

“Anxiety.”

“Cool”. 

Alec laughed. That was not the usual response to that statement. 

“You’ll see how it will be good for you. You can talk shit about everyone, and the doc. - I call her ‘doc.’, just because my therapist hates it - just listens to you, no judgment. It’s heaven. Maybe you don’t even need medication; maybe you need to let it out whatever you have inside”, she hit him in the chest now. 

That girl was so physical!

Alec touched his chest and remembered Magnus and that gesture he did so many times to calm Alec down. A half smile appeared on his face. 

“Are you okay?”, she asked, noticing that he still held his hand on his chest. “I’m not that strong.”

“No, I’m okay. So (he tried to change the subject)... do you talk shit about everyone? That means you will talk about us in your session?”

“Well, I have a few ideas about that awful drawing of Jace in that cup. Makes no sense! First time I saw it I thought it was a girl in there.”

“I know, it’s horrible. But don’t tell him that. That was the reason he fired the last guy. At least was what he told me, so... save it for therapy”, and he winked at her. 

***

Alec was going to therapy twice a week, at least at the beginning, because he had a ton of things to let it out. He talked and talked, and although his therapist interrupted him occasionally to clarify something or ask a question, he would spend that precious hour speaking freely, talking with no remorse about his mom, about his fears and regrets, about his anger, an anger that sometimes clouded all in front of him. He told her about his siblings, about Jace and his support, about his family, about his work, about himself. 

About the main reason that brought him there. 

She asked him how he was dealing with his anxiety so far. 

“Well, bad, considering I had to come here”, he joked. She didn’t laugh. 

“Jace was helping me. And Magnus too, but things were difficult between us, so I ended.”

“Who’s Magnus?”

What a good question. Was Magnus now... his mistake? His regret? 

His homesickness. 

Magnus was the one that tried to help, and Alec pushed away like he always did. No, not really, ‘cause he never let things go that far as it was with Magnus. And Rafe. He missed their Sunday mornings, their little traditions, the tea time before bed with the boy, the play time after that with Magnus, the lazy mornings in bed when, sometimes, Rafe would come to wake them up and ended up sleeping between them for a while, until his love for Dora forced Alec to get up and join him on their hunt for bagels and a lot of Dora episodes next. 

He was missing Magnus too much, but he knew it was beyond repair. 

Alec noticed that Magnus was not using the escalator near their kiosk anymore to reach for his store. He was using the other one, far away from them, across the mall. They weren’t seeing each other anymore or bumping into each other. 

Alec was going to the first yoga class in the morning, in the mall, before heading to work. Magnus was going to the same class, at night. Alec was also making his lunch and eating at the kiosk, when he could, to avoid walking around the mall too much. He only visited the place near “Jace on a cup” to get tea. He was drinking tea like crazy, and Jace and Maia were sure he would explode eventually. 

Alec didn’t answer his therapist the first time she asked about Magnus. 

On another session, his name came up again. 

“You mentioned him before, who is he?”

“Magnus? Magnus is...”

He thought about one response — one truth. 

“Love.”

Because Alec had love and lost. 

And sometimes we gotta lost something to find something else back. 

Even if that something is ourselves. 

***

Jace and Clary were a solid pair. Not only Jace was going to her house regularly, to dinner or Sunday lunches (when Alec and Maia were responsible for “Jace on a cup”), she was at the boys house a lot as well. 

At first, she was embarrassed, because of that awful situation with Alec’s parents. She apologizes, maybe, 97 times already. Alec told her it was fine and that he was happy that Magnus had such a loyal friend. 

They were having dinner, Alec, Jace, Clary, and Maia, in the boys’ place. It was Saturday night, way beyond midnight, and they were exhausted. 

They ordered pizza and were having wine. Maia was meeting Clary for the first time, and they seemed to be getting along. If Jace wasn’t already in a relationship with Clary, Alec knew he would try to hook his brother up with Maia, because that girl was awesome. She was advertising their business any way she could at the mall, calling kids to see their mugs about Pokemon and Disney movies. 

Jace and Alec were impressed. 

“What? Don’t look at me like that; soon you two will be working for me, watch me.”

They did not doubt that. 

But Jace made his choice and Alec should respect that. Maia was becoming a friend, and he was glad to have her around, because she was funny and, most importantly, she gets him in a way that not even Jace could. They were sharing a lot of therapy talk as well, which made Alec felt better about his sessions. 

“Well, I know why you are single”, Maia joked at Alec, that eye roll at her, “So, how you two started dating?”, Maia asked holding a massive slice of pizza. 

“in a way, because of Alec”, Jace said holding a proud smile on his face. 

“And Mags!”, Clary replied, immediately regretting her words. “Oh, sorry, Alec.”

“No, it’s okay. You can talk about Magnus, he’s... your friend”, the man clarified. 

“Who’s Magnus?”, Maia questioned all of them. 

Silence. Why was everybody asking that nowadays?

“Alec’s ex”, Jace clarified. 

“Ohhh. And how was he?”

“Nice.”

“Hot.”

That was Clary and Jace, in that order. 

Maia laughed, and Alec was drinking apparently half of the wine bottle all by himself now. 

“Well, if he was nice and hot, why is he your ex?”, she asked Alec now. 

“Because... Because I screwed things up, that’s why.”

“And can’t you fixed it?”

“Nope. Next topic, please.”

They all could see the sadness in Alec’s face, so they moved on to talk about something else. 

Later, Alec was in the kitchen, doing the dishes, when Clary came to talk to him. 

“You know, he misses you.”

“Who? Magnus?”, Alec tried to sound casual. 

“No. I mean, I bet he does, but I’m talking about Rafe. He asked me about you the other day.”

“I miss him too. Is he okay?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think he’s watching Dora anymore.”

“What? Is he sick?”

She smiled, sad. “No. I think... maybe. Maybe he’s heartbroken.”

“That can’t be it.”

“I think you know Rafe enough by now to know how he is and how he was attached to you, so, trust me, he misses you.”

Clary touched his shoulder and went back to Jace and Maia, in the living room. 

Alec was looking at the dishes, plates, mugs and all that floating inside the sink. He thought of Rafe. 

And everything they went through together. 

In the end, he realized what he did: he killed Dora. For Rafe. 

For good. 

***

Among the many different things Magnus Bane liked in his life, one of his favorites was the smell of sandalwood which, as it happened, was the scent that hit his nose the moment he opened his store in the morning. Once he was inside, he would always take a moment to inhale deeply, slowly letting the air out of his lungs. It was a ritual he was happy to perform each day.

Except now that smell was not only his smell anymore. Or his kids’ smell. It was also Alec’s. Alec’s intoxicating aroma – and that was too much to handle. Because he was missing his ex, even if he was still sad about the whole thing. And he knew Rafe was missing him too.

Magnus, a mature man, a father, an entrepreneur, was avoiding talking to his 5-year-old kid about the end of his relationship.

Way to go, champ.

In a span of a moment, Magnus was out of ‘Magnus’ delight’. It was stupid, apparently, but he just needed to check on things.

He felt like everything was happening with someone else. Someone else was on the escalator. And walking towards ‘Jace on a cup’. And it was hopeful to see Alec.

Instead, a girl was there.

“Who are you?”, Magnus asked unceremoniously.  
“Excuse me?”, Maia replied with a look that Magnus knew well. The ‘I’m about to punch you’ look.  
“Sorry, let me try that again. Hmmm... Is Alec here? Or Jace?”  
“And who wants to know?”  
“Magnus.”  
“Oh, reeeeeeally?”, and Magnus saw this tone of... interest that wasn’t there before. She left the kiosk and walked around him. She was inspecting him. He was silent.

“Okay. Not bad. I can see the appeal.”

“Hey, lady, sorry, but who are you again?”  
“Oh, right, I’m Maia, I work here, nice to meet you”, and they shook hands. “You’re Alec’s ex, correct?”

Oh, the discomfort.

“Is Alec here? Or Jace?”  
“Jace is late, but should be almost here, and Alec is working later today because of therapy.”  
“Therapy?”  
“Yeah.”

And that was all she said.

“Okay. Well, I’ll come back later, thank you”, and he was going back to the escalator when he heard someone calling out his name.

He turned around, and he never felt so happy to see Jace in his life.

They hugged, in that big hall of the mall.

“Come to my store, let’s have some tea”, Magnus offered in a cheerful tone.  
Jace went first to Maia, to tell her that he would be right back. She only nodded. “I’ll bring you tea”, he promised.  
“You can bring Magnus’ lost brother to me too, ya know?”  
“I DO KNOW! RIGHT? I still don’t know how Alec managed-“  
“Jace! Alec is gorgeous, what are you talking about? Him being gay is something I lament every day before bed.”

Oh God, what did she meant by “lament” in that context? Jace didn’t know if she was joking or not. Damn it, they were so alike. That’s how Alec felt talking to him? That must be confusing.

“Okay, right... I guess. I’ll be right back.”

Jace was in ‘Magnus’ delight’ and a few minutes later, they were having peppermint tea. Healing tea.

“So, Jace, how’s everything?”  
“If you wanna know about Alec, you can just ask me; you know that.”

Magnus sighed.

“Okay. Straight to the point. Right. So, how’s Alec? That beautiful and a bit hostile girl, Maia, mentioned therapy...?”  
“Maia is something, isn’t she? But she’s a godsend, she’s being so good to Alec, you have no idea. They’re good friends and she-“  
“Jace. About Alec. And therapy. Please.”  
“Yeah yeah, so, after our mom practically disowned Alec and-“  
“Oh God, what? Why?”  
“Oh right, you don’t know. Well, Alec told me how he was a jerk to you, so he went to our mom to try to make things right.”  
“And things didn’t go so well...”  
“Well? Ha. Alec was M.I.A. for days for me. Like, literally. I didn’t know if he was alive... he told me he went through hell and he experienced one of the worst crisis of his life. I never saw him like that. Devastated doesn’t even cover the situation he was in.”  
“Oh, Jace.”  
“And mom is not talking to him at all. It’s like she’s ignoring his existence. Like all he went through for her, for us, was in vain. She’s not talking about him at all and Iz told me she took all the pictures of him that were hanging on the wall. I swear to God, the woman is my mother, but I honestly feel a bit of hate for her now. Alec doesn’t need that crap, you know? He was drowning in himself already.”

Jace was glad to let those feelings out. He was trying to hold everything together around Alec and Clary, but he was pissed. From the day he learned about his mother's behavior, he never approached her again. It was a promise he made, and he would keep it.

“And therapy?”  
“Damn it, that is such a good tea. Alec was right to say you were magical with your hands...”, and Magnus' eye rolled at that. “Sooo, after Alec was almost feeling like a human being again, he decided to ask for help. I still can’t believe that I swear, I was so happy, he never considered that before. He only accepted his life would be miserable forever and that’s it. But now it was different. He is going to therapy twice a week. And he actually likes it. There’s a lot of work ahead, but maybe for the first time he believes things will be better.”  
“Jace, this is excellent news. I’m so happy for him.”  
“I am too.”

Jace was drinking his tea, waiting. He knew Magnus was about to ask for more.  
And he did.

“Hmmm... And, by any chance, he mentioned my name during this healing process?”  
“Mags, I like you. So I’ll tell you how Alec sees it and how I see it. From Alec’s point of view, you two are done. Not because he doesn’t like you, but because he thinks he’s gone way too far and hurt you way too much. But if you’re here giving me tea and asking about him, I think that, as always, I’m right. Meaning, you should at least talk to each other and see how he feels now. I know he misses you. He was even telling me the plot of a Dora episode the other day. And you know what, that’s not interesting AT ALL.”

Magnus laughed because he was missing Dora too. That girl was a sorceress, he was sure of it.

“But”, Jace continued, “if you want this to have any change, you gotta go to him because he won’t come to you. I know him. I know his anxiety. He won’t come to you. I don’t know how comfortable you are with that idea, but you’re the one that should make that move.”

To be honest, Magnus was waiting for something like this. He knew Alec enough.

Was he willing to make that move?

To swim in those waters with Alec?

Magnus didn’t have a decision to make, because he never felt like it was a choice or a challenge. It was a certainty.

He loves Alec. He couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to. Because Alec made him happy, even with his anxiety and all the demons inside him, Alec was caring; he warned Magnus this wouldn’t be easy. He tried to protect his feelings as much as possible because Alec knew he was the last person anyone would bet on.

And despite all that, Magnus kept betting on him, on that ticket, like it was made of gold and hold this precious prize only he could have access to.

The prize was morning bagels. Tea in bed. Late talks. Holding hands and lazy kisses. Time with them and Rafe. Time with them and Alec’s family.  
Time to let that good feeling grow between them.  
He knew that.

Wasn’t that something we should fight for?

Magnus was used to be the steady person. Reliable. Mature. The ‘putting everybody else’ first kind of guy. Someone who could read what everyone around him needed, most of the times, ignoring what he needed the most.

But he was a person too. And he was also tired. He needed to stop putting the needs of others first and start putting his own as a priority in his life, for once.

He knew what he was about to do was risky. It was his last move, his last chance. He was feeling a bit ridiculous. That was because he felt so vulnerable, a position he wasn’t used to be in. He was a fortress. He was done playing the strong one.

If love was about taking a risk, he was about to take the biggest of all. Because sometimes you gotta put it an effort for both of you so that the other one can see that their effort is needed, is valid too.

Magnus was about to face that ocean. He could feel the coldness that emanated from it. All the colors deep beneath the surface. The clouds far away in the horizon – a promise of a sunny day? Or a storm ready to released on him? He didn’t know. What he did know is that it was time to face it, to be hit by the waves, to drown even. To reach out, mostly.

Mentally, he was barefoot; he was walking in the direction of that amount of blue and green that was about to engulf him.

It was his choice.

And he was glad about it.

He felt the freezing temperature hit him to the bones. He felt chills. He was scared. It was all cold and dark.  
But he felt like he could make it.  
He knew it.  
He wasn’t alone.

In a way, he felt safe.

He was hopeful.

That’s why he had a smile on his face when he saw Alec after all those days after the man opened the door of his house to see who was knocking that early in the morning.


	15. I woke up in the waves

“Magnus? Oh God, did something happen to Rafe?”  
That was the concerning number 1 in Alec’s head, apparently.  
“No, no, no such thing. Rafe is fine. I need to talk to you, can I?”, he said pointing to the inside of Alec’s house.  
“Yeah”, Alec said suspiciously.

Magnus left Jace alone in the store and decided it was time to fix things. He asked Jace to be there until Ragnor would show up.  
“Man, I know nothing about tea and candles and stuff.”  
“Jace, I trust you. You can do this. And everything has a price tag; you’ll be fine. I need to go. Please, don’t destroy my place, okay? Tell Ragnor I’ll be right back.”

And he went straight to Alec’s house.  
Of course, he didn’t need to be all dramatic like that. But honestly, fuck it, he was Magnus Bane, and he would be dramatic and extra.

He was now sitting on Alec’s couch. Alec went to his room to put a shirt on. He was back quickly.

“Magnus, is everything okay? Why are you here?”  
“I’m here because I spoke to Jace.”  
“Oh God, is he dead?”  
“What? No. What?”  
“Sorry, I was... just wondering. With Jace, I never know.”  
“Right.”

Alec had no idea what to do. He was barely awake; he wasn’t prepared to see Magnus now. Or ever again.

“Do you want water or something?”  
“Yes, please. Tea, if you have it.”  
“Only peppermint.”  
“That’s perfect.”

Alec made tea for them. He drank his in his Dora mug. Magnus smiled fondly at that.

“I can get Rafe a new Dora mug instead of that sad white one he chose the other day”, Alec offered.  
“He’s not watching Dora anymore, so maybe we don’t need to worry about that for now.”

We.

“Yeah, I heard about that. What happened?”  
“You happened.”

Alec was not expecting that answer.

“Magnus, I-“  
“No. This time you’ll listen to me. Shut up and listen”, and with that Alec just nodded and sat on the couch, next to Magnus.

“Well, Alexander, I want you to know that you hurt me deeply. More than once, if you think about it. Not only that, you made my kid to like you. And after that, you walked away. You literally left him there in the middle of our living room like it was nothing. You don’t do that to people. You just don’t. Especially to kids. Especially to the ones that love you.”  
“Magnus, I-“  
“I told you to shut up, remember? So shut up. I’m talking.”

Alec was not ready to deal with all this.

“Alexander, I know you did all that because you were scared and you thought you weren’t worthy of us. Maybe you think you’re too broken for this. But I’m here to tell you that you’re not. And that I’m here for you. Because I love you (Alec was about to interrupt him again), BUT I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE IF YOU SPEAK NOW.”

He was silent.

Magnus was recomposing himself.

“You know, I’m a parent. And when we are in that position, everything seems so tricky to do. Everything can lead to ‘traumatized kid’, ‘not enough loved kid’, ‘crying kid’... the possibilities are endless. And with that, you ended up forgetting about yourself and your needs. You forget that you are a human being, a complex individual and, even with your kid being a big part of your life, it can’t be your whole life. And I forgot that for a long time. I dedicated my life to Rafe and my business, but with you things were different. I was vulnerable around you, I let my guard down, and even with all the pain that came along, it was worth it. Because you were there with me. So, I know you’re struggling and drowning and stuff, but I’m here to ask you for one more chance. To let you know you don’t have to face this alone. And that I do not promise a lifeboat or anything, but I’m asking you to let me swim with you because we might survive a little longer that way.”

Alec was listening to all that facing the ground because Magnus’ words were so hard for him to hear now.

Alec was looking for help, yes, but he was still feeling sad for everything he did to Magnus. How was Magnus there, asking again to be together with him was something he couldn’t wrap his head around it.

“Mags, how can you say such thing? I only hurt you, you can’t be serious about this. Think about yourself for a minute here, what you’re asking is absurd.”  
“No, it’s not. And, believe me, I am thinking about myself here. That’s me being selfish. Selfish like never before, because for once I’m only thinking about what I want, and I want you. That’s it. It’s simple.”  
“No, Magnus, it’s not. What if I hurt you again?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe you will; maybe you won’t. But love is not a perfect thing. We’ll learn together. As long as you want this as much as I want this, we’ll figure out, won’t we?”

Alec was truly conflicted.

Because he wanted to be with Magnus, sure, but he knew other episodes would come up eventually. How could he put Magnus through that again? It was so unfair.

“Magnus, you don’t know how it is.”  
“I do know. Are you serious now? Alexander, I know because I was there with you. These past few months I was there, as I am now. I’ve been through that with you, and it was painful and difficult. But I still love you. And I’m still here to tell you I’m standing by your side. Because that’s what we do when we love. We support each other.”

For once, Magnus was not offering salvation. Because you can’t do that to someone dealing with a mental situation, those people can’t be “saved”. They were like that dog with the paw on the nail. They were the dog and the nail. All connected. What people should understand is that the nail will always be there, the paw will never be truly free of that pain. But it is manageable. And you, as someone supporting the person in pain, just have to be there, to show that you care and that the pain is not everything there is in life. You must be that blue light that brings calm and peace and love.

Alec was looking at Magnus’ eyes. He started crying, and Magnus went closer to him.

“I can’t do that to you, Mags. Or to Rafe.”

“Tell me, Alexander, tell me you don’t want to be with me. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me it was all just a game to you or something like that and I’ll leave for good.”

“I can’t say that.”  
“And why is that?”

Alec was a dam, and Magnus’ words were like cracks in his structure. He was breaking.

He was breaking, and suddenly, he was telling what he never dared to say to Magnus before.

He breathed heavily.

“Because I love you, too.”

Magnus was smiling. He had tears in his eyes now.

“Good then. That’s a damn good start”, he said moving even closer to Alec, who was laughing a little now, wiping his tears.

Magnus was leaning in Alec’s direction like he did the first time he tried to kiss the man in his son’s room. This time Alec didn’t run. He stayed.

“Of course I love you. And it was never a game to me. It was serious since day one. It was serious since the day I asked you to be my boyfriend. It was serious since the day you helped me in your bathroom and accepted me. It was serious even during our first yoga class together, when you were just next to me, and I was fantasizing about you anyway. I think in a way, it was always too serious for me.”

Magnus was about to reply, but he decided to show Alec his appreciation. He rubbed his thumb on top of Alec’s lips, leaning closer and closer, Alec closing his eyes immediately, even before he felt Magnus’ lips on his.

Magnus was now entirely underwater. He was swimming without knowing the direction he was supposed to go. His clothes were heavy against his body, and he was fighting. He was scared, afraid, desperate because the open sea was a place that showed us how small we are, how vulnerable. He was terrified to see those walls of water swallow him whole. But he felt it — a hand. A hand reached out to him, fingers were, one by one, wrapping around his arm. He wasn’t alone. He felt himself being pulled up; he felt warm, things were slowly brighter. He swam he didn’t know for how long. But they reached the surface again.

He wasn’t alone.

Alec was there.

Sharing his ocean with him.


	16. The Mug

Alec was once again at The Bane’s residence. The day before he talked to Magnus about a lot of things and Magnus did the same. He was open and as Magnus said “he let Magnus love him” and all. They decided they should give this another try since it seemed something both of them wanted.

Because Alec finally admitted his feelings and understood that he wasn’t a burden. He was a person dealing with something serious and that demanded patience, attention, care and love. Love Magnus was willing to give him. And that he was finally ready to accept.

Magnus, for his part, was trusting Alec with his most precious things: his son and his heart. But now he knew Alec was there to make that effort, the effort to be open and to be the man Magnus’ family wanted.

Because it was just that.

Mags’ mom once told him she didn’t believe in this “soul mate crap” people keep selling to us. We choose the ones we want to stick around. There’s no magic sign; there’s no predestination. There are only two people minded into the same goal. “And that person becomes our soul mate over time, Maggie. That’s the magic no one tell you about”, she said smiling, shaking her walking stick in his direction. “And if they’re dicks, you can always ask them to grab their tea and leave, because who has the time, you know?”

That woman was so wise, honestly.

So, that day Alec and Magnus talked talked talked. And Alec asked to talked to Rafe too, the next night, to get the record straight with the kid. To (*sigh*) restore the kid’s faith in Dora.

It was only fair.

Oh, and he asked a favor from Mags as well.

Now, Alec was there, a bag in hand, in front of the Banes. Magnus opened the door for him, and he immediately saw Rafe playing with Chairman and his legos on the living room floor, on top of a fluffy rug.

Magnus was apprehensive, but Alec, for the first time, put his hand on top of his boyfriend’s chest, and looked at him as saying “I got this, it will be fine”. Manus shooked his head.

Alec gave the bag to his boyfriend and walked in Rafe’s direction, sitting right next to the kid.

“Hi, Rafe.”

The boy answered without looking at Alec, still playing: “Hi, Alec.”

“How are you?”  
“I’m okay.”  
“Good. Hmmm, so, Rafe I like to talk to you for a minute.”

The boy just made “uhum”, still avoiding Alec.

“You know, Rafe, I talked to your dad, and I realize I never talked to you... about, well, me liking your dad. I really like him, and I’m here to tell you that I’m here to stay.”  
The boy continued playing like Alec wasn’t there at all.  
The man tried again.

“Rafe, are you listening to me?”

Finally, the boy faced the man.

And what he said broke Alec’s heart.

“Will you leave us again?”

Us. Leave us. Not just Magnus. Rafe as well. The kid felt left behind too, and of course he should feel like this, Alec left him there, alone and confused, in the living room, that morning (it seemed years now) when he heard Magnus talking on the phone with Ragnor.

They talked after, Alec and Rafe, but not really. Not about this. Not about what the boy was feeling. How it hurt him too. How Alec hurt him.

“No, Rafe, I won’t. I’m so sorry I left you the other day, it was my mistake, and I’m so so so so sorry about that. But I’m here to ask you to forgive me.”

“Will you be here with Dad and me?”  
“As much as possible, yes.” Alec waited. The boy was assessing him. “How did you feel after I left that day, Rafe?”  
“Sad, I guess. Dad always told me to be nice to people and to do nice things for nice people and... you still left us”, and his attention was back to his toys.

Well, Alec, you’re a genius or what?

Honestly, Alec was on the verge of tears. If the only regret could kill you.

“Rafe, come here”, he said, and the boy went to him, shyly. Alec placed the boy in his lap.

“Look, Rafe, I left, but that was not your fault. Do you hear me? That was not your fault at all. I was the one with... problems to deal with. You did nothing wrong. You’re one the most wonderful boys I have ever met, and I’m so happy to know you. You and your Dad. I... love your Dad, Rafe and it was never my intention to hurt him.”  
“You love Dad?”  
“Yes.”  
“Do you love me too?”

Alec was smiling now.

“Yes, Rafe, I love you, too”, he said placing a kiss on the boy’s head.  
“And Dora?”

Okay, this is out of hand now.

“Maybe love is a strong word for Dora.”  
“I’ll make you change your mind, don’t worry.”

Oh boi.

“So, are we good? Does that mean you forgive me?”  
“Do you promise you will never leave us again?”  
“I promise.”  
“Pinky promise?”, he said offering his tiny finger to Alec.

And they did. They pinky promise.

“Okay.”  
“Okay? So, do you forgive me?”  
“I think so. Yeah. Just don’t make Dad cry again, deal?”  
“Deal.”

Rafe hugged Alec tight. Magnus was watching everything from a safe distance, still in the living room. He already made Alec break the promise he just made to Rafe because Magnus was crying watching that scene. Silently, he was praying for the second time in his life, for Alec to kept his promise – to Rafe. And to him.

That night they ate, talked and guessed what they watched...

When it was bedtime, Rafe asked if he could sleep with Magnus in his room. Magnus said yes. Alec went to prepared them tea, while Magnus was bathing Rafe.

The boy was ready to sleep. When Alec brought them their tea, he had a surprise for the kid.

“So, Rafe, I know your clumsy dad broke your Dora mug so-“  
“YOU HAVE ANOTHER DORA MUG FOR ME? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SAY YES!”, and the boy was jumping up and down his Dad’s bed.

Magnus and Alec only laughed. Alec was holding a tray with three mugs. 

“Not really. Here, take one.”

And he got closer to the kid.

Rafe approached him, crawling on top of the bed. Alec sat there, waiting for Rafe to get his mug. He touched the object and turned, to see a customized mug. Not Dora (OMG, I’m so happy it’s not Dora, aren’t you?).

Not Dora at all.

It was a picture. Of himself. On Alec’s lap. They were both smiling, looking straight to the camera, next to a somewhat stupid looking Magnus facing them. They were at the park.

“Oh Dad, look, we’re in the mug. We’re in the mug! Like Dora!”, and the boy was laughing like no tomorrow. An honest, happy and full laugh only a kid can give you concerning a mug.

But it was not about the mug.

It was about them. And how that mug was now a confirmation of Alec’s effort. Of Alec’s will to make this work.

Of maybe having them as his family.

That was a real proof that he wanted to stay.

Rafe was thrilled, he left the bed and gave Alec another hug. “Thank you, Alec. I really like it.”  
“As much as the Dora one?”  
“Hmmm... Almost”, and he laughed, making Alec tickle him.  
“That was your white mug. I hope it’s okay that I added that picture in there.”  
“Yeah. I like it better that way.”  
“Me too”, Alec said, placing another kiss on the little boy’s head.

Magnus was emotional again, watching them from the bed.

“Okay, you two, enough. Rafe, bedtime. Grab your tea and come here.”

He grabbed two mugs, one for him and one for Magnus. He gave one to his dad. They were all the same.

You know what they say, “new mugs to new beginnings.”  
(Ok, no one says that, but we could start a new tradition here, no?)

Rafe laid next to his Dad, both of them drinking tea. Alec was about to go to the kitchen when Rafe said, low voice:

“Where are you going?”

A bit of panic was definitely there.

“Oh, just to take off my shoes to join you.”

Rafe only smiled. Alec did as he said and now Rafe was between Magnus and Alec. Magnus was telling him a story; he wasn’t paying attention, he was staring at his new mug.

“This is so cool, thanks, Alec!”, he said before sleeping.

Actually, right before sleeping, he said one other thing: “You will be here with me, right?”, looking at Alec.

“Of course”, Alec said. The three of them just laid there, the boy sleeping peacefully between them. They didn’t exchange a word that night until they fell asleep. Alec and Magnus were holding hands above Rafe’s little body the whole time.


	17. Maintaining the loved ones alive

Many years later, Rafe would found that exact mug – with the picture of his parents and himself - buried in the kitchen cabinet, among a lot of mugs and other things that were out of use over the years, since their house was always full of mugs and infusers, especially after Rafe's parents’ merged their businesses together.

The idea came from Jace.

[I know, I'm shocked too.]

But one day it hit him like lightning. Alec was still working with him on the mug business, and they were talking about opening new kiosks. He was researching for things related to mugs that they could add to their portfolio to expand their brand, "Jace on a cup" (they never changed the name, *sigh*). Tea infusers and other things came up in his research, and he finally noticed that Magnus sells tea and they sell mugs. Why don't they put those things together, no?

And, another shock, no one thought of that before. Magnus and Alec liked the idea ("of course you like it. I didn't go to business school for nothing", Jace replied, feeling the smartest man alive) and eventually they were doing this together, like a huge family business. In their store, tea became quite a complex and rich experience, and they have everything you need to enjoy it from the beginning till the end. As the manager of the stores (they opened three more over the years), Jace implemented a few events to draw people in. They had classes to teach people how to blend tea and get the best flavors out of it, classes about aromatherapy and the power of essential oils, and free yoga classes every month, to built a closer community and a support system to those who needed it, never losing sight of the objective Magnus had since day 1 with his store.

To heal and to help.

Like his mom taught him.

Like it was his calling.

*

Rafe was going to college now, his girlfriend helping him pack his stuff. Going through a few things in the kitchen, to make sure he got everything he needed before leaving, he found the mug. He used that for a long time, until, you know, puberty hit him, and he thought the whole mug thing was ridiculous.

Teenagers. [Narrator is eye rolling, FYI.]

But his heart skipped a bit when he saw the object.

Jenna, Raph’s girlfriend, was in love with that mug immediately.

“Jesus, what is that? Is that you? Owwwwwww, look at you, tiny Rafe. How cute.”  
“Can you stop?”  
“No, you’re too adorable!”  
“I know! I was amazing.”  
“Oh God, you and your uncle Jace are hanging out way too much.”  
“I also know that sorry.”  
“Hey... I know you don’t like talking about it, but... will you see your grandma anytime soon since you’re moving out?”  
“My Nana is dead; you know that.”  
“I’m not talking about her. I’m talking about Maryse.”  
“Jenna, really. How many times do I have to tell you? That woman was never my grandma. She chose not to be. Do you know how many Christmas and holidays my Paps was there, holding his cell phone like we didn’t notice, waiting for her to reach out and talk to him? How anxious and guilty he felt over the years? She was never there. She was never there when he was panicking. It was just Dad and me helping him and learning how to handle everything. She was never there, Jenna. Or Robert. They didn’t care about their son or his family, so, honestly, the only grandma worth mentioning is unfortunately not among us anymore. Okay?”  
“Okay, sorry.”  
“It’s okay. I know your family is different, you all like... love each other and stuff. Even your grandma, and that’s wonderful. But trust me, love was something that was never short around here. Besides Dad and Paps, there was uncles and aunts everywhere. We didn’t miss them at uncle Jace and aunt Clary’s wedding too, so... everything is okay, right?”  
“Right.”

Alec's anxiety never left, even with all the therapy, exercise, tea and love in the world he got from his family. He would still panic eventually. Even in front of Rafe sometimes, which led them to another series of essential talks in their house. But they had a support system. And even when panicking or having trouble breathing and palpitations for the most random reasons, Alec knew he wasn't alone, and, most importantly, that his family understood him: his siblings, his partner, and his son.

Magnus was happy to see how, over the years, Alec was becoming that missing piece he waited for so long, not just for him, but to Rafe as well. Mags was worried about Alec being more and more a father figure to Rafe because he didn't want Alec to feel overwhelmed with the responsibility. They talked a lot about it and, as always, they did things as a team, not putting all in Alec's hands, something he was grateful for, or in Magnus’. They also waited a few years until Alec finally moved in with the Banes, making their family an official thing. It all worked since Jace saw that as an opportunity to ask Clary to move in with him.

Jenna hugged Rafe. He was still holding the mug. She was looking at it now:

“So. Are you taking this with you?”  
“What do you think?”  
“I think you’re too cute, damn it. You should take it.”  
“To college? Really?”  
“Rafe, you’ll be away from your family for months. Trust me; you will be glad to have that with you.”  
“Hmmm, maybe you’re right. After all, it’s an adorable version of me and my dads, c’mon. How can people resist us?”  
“Seriously. Stop hanging out with your uncle.”  
“I will, sorry. He’s just so funny.”  
“No, he’s not.”

They heard a honk outside the house. Jace and Clary were waiting for them with a bunch of “Rafe’s crap” inside their car. Magnus and Alec were in the other car, with an old and not at his best Chairman Meow. It was a family event. Izzy and Max would join them later to celebrate this important moment in Rafe’s life. Jace said Alec and Magnus should be happy to be able to have sex in every corner of their house again, making Rafe actually to punch him in the arm.

The last thing Rafe grabbed before leaving the house he grew up in for good was the mug of him and his parents, smiling in that playground.

He was about to step outside when he turned around and gave the place one last look. His eyes were full of tears. His girlfriend went to him.

“Are you okay?”

He placed his hand on his own chest, took a deep breath and, before kissing her, said:  
“Yeah. Still beating. (He smiled at her.) Everything will be just fine.”

She smiled back at him. He was ready.

Jenna walked outside, followed by Rafe, who closed the door behind himself, leaving his old house behind.

He went to his parents’ car, after his girlfriend. Alec looked at him with a proud smile only a parent can give you. A parent that loves you.  
Rafe smiled back. He reached the car, a mug in his right hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of 'The Mug'.   
> Thank you so much for reading this story; it means so much to me.   
> I hope you liked it. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave a comment if you wanna chat. 
> 
> Lots of love!


End file.
